Goodbye 2004

Here we are.. another New Year's Eve. It doesn't feel like too long ago that I was reflecting on 2003. I have gotten to that point in my life where years are no longer a long, interminable series of seasons. In fact, they are now going by so quickly that they're running together. What happened this year?

We rang in the year with friends at our house and plentiful champagne. Neil learned how to do "the butt" that night under the expert tutelage of Topher and Chris. (O.K. that does seem like a long time ago.)

We visited Dustin in Chico and played lots of disc golf. We threw a party for my mom's 50th birthday. We adopted our dogs. Barbie got lost and found. Rachel and Brian got married. Jenn and Bill got married. Neil and I both turned 26. We went to Portland. Howard Dean screamed. I went to D.C. twice and Neil traveled to both political conventions. I won some awards at work. I got a laptop and an iPod. :) Dustin went to Italy. My family fell apart and began to be rebuilt.

I'm sure there's more...Janet Jackson had a wardrobe malfunction, the Red Sox won the World Series, people rioted at a Piston's and Pacer's game, Bush won the White House, Martha went to prison, Scott Peterson was convicted...More than 150,000 people died in the tsunamis.

Overall, I liked 2004. It was a year of great personal growth and some hardship, but -- as usual -- I am better for it.

In 2005, I hope to be stronger in all ways. I hope to be less prone to procrastination and less likely to give in to temptation.

Tonight we're headed out with Chris and Sarah for the 2nd annual Thai food dinner. Later, we're going to a wine bar with our new friends Brian and Kelly. And tomorrow, the slate will be blank again and the world will have another chance for a fresh start. I will definitely be taking advantage of that chance.

Happy 2005!

Tsunami

Last night at the gym I decided to watch the news instead of listening to my iPod and after only about two minutes, I found myself crying on the Precor. My thighs were burning in that pleasant way lets me know I am using my muscles, I was already slightly out of breath and then suddenly, I was crying. I don't know what triggered the tears, but somewhere between seeing tiny little dead bodies of children and sobbing, screaming parents, I lost it.

The thing about these giant killer waves is that we can't blame humans for them. They just happened. And because of where they were vacationing or where they lived, more than 80,000 people died in a few instants.

And then here I am in the desert southwest. I get to go meet friends for lunch and watch TV and go to the gym and walk my dogs like nothing is wrong. And nothing is... here. But why am I so privileged? A week ago, I would have been jealous of those tourists who were vacationing on the beach in far away places that I've always wanted to visit.

Entire countries have been nearly wiped out, swallowed up by the sea. And I want to help. I don't want to send money...mostly because I don't have it. I want to go in person and help with my own two hands... not sure how practical that is or what I would really have to offer, but when I see those pictures on TV, I just want to pitch in.

I am reminded of September 11th. Even though it was completely different circumstances and it was on a much smaller scale, I remember the waiting. I remember the pictures of the missing that were on every wall and fence and lamp post in New York City and I remember the hoping that the death count would be reduced, that people would be found alive.

That little Swedish boy who was found in the jungle in Thailand completely broke my heart. It is amazing that he was found and rescued and reunited by family, but his mom is still missing. Today he was reunited with his dad who said of the boy's rescuer: "She has saved his life, but also my soul because I couldn't survive if I lost them both."

It's little stories like these that trickle out of the disaster zones that make it all seem more real and more devastating. Of course, the media is doing an excellent job tugging at our hearts -- but even with all of the pictures they have been showing, I still can't make it seem real. I can't imagine those waves and the power and force they must have had. How did water kill all those people. Water, one of the most essential ingredients for human life...

It is all so tragic and baffling and perhaps most of all, it is humbling. We think that we control the world...humans. We fight wars and launch attacks. We build things and destroy things. We cultivate plants in our attempt to control nature. We study the earth and weather patterns. We modify DNA and practice selective breeding. It is easy to see why we are all fooled into thinking we're in charge. But really, we have no say when it comes to the big stuff. Nobody knew that earthquake was coming with it's minion waves. And even if someone did know, there was nothing we could do to stop it. (although warning the people lying on the beach would have been nice...)

Blog? What Blog?

So, for the last couple of weeks, I have been a very bad blogger. Basically, whenever I might have been blogging I was in the kitchen at work eating holiday sweets. That, or I was out socializing at holiday parties. I am slowly coming out of the sugar coma today (although I'm currently eating an orange chocolate cookie... don't want to go into withdrawal).

But seriously, I was swept away by the "season". Christmas was a little different this year. (Yes, I am Jewish, but we still have our holiday traditions... ) My dad is in Italy with my brother, so they were both conspicuously missing. I didn't see quite as many old friends as I am accustomed to seeing. It was absolutely freezing (below zero with the wind) and that made the annual Christmas Eve walk a little less enjoyable. But, the friends I did see were great and it felt good, as always, to be with them and laugh with them and remember old times and catch up on their lives. I also enjoyed time relaxing with my mom and Neil and my grandma and making an 8-hour fire in my parents' fireplace was a highlight...

Now I am back at work. No plans for New Years except watching some movies with Neil.

Advice: Avoid "The Life Aquatic". Maybe rent it on video if you're a big Bill Murray fan, but otherwise, I recommend seeing anything else.

Nothing Else Like It

To counter last week's post about how materialistic I am, I would like to say that there is little else in the world that feels better than helping other people. I have always known this, but sometimes it is good to be reminded of it.

Neil has a co-worker whose family just moved here and soon after the move, his wife had a massive medical emergency while on the way to visit her terminally ill father. She had to have major surgery and her husband had to take off work to help her. In the meantime the woman's father died. All of the combined expenses made it so that the family couldn't afford Christmas and they have four children! So, Neil, being the big-hearted person that he is, asked his co-worker to write out a list of gifts the kids wanted for Christmas. He did and we're going to help them celebrate Christmas.

This morning I sent an e-mail to my own co-workers about the situation and what we're trying to do and already four people have offered to help us. People's generosity is always so astounding. And it just feels really good to be doing something that will hopefully make a big difference to a family.

If everyone helped one friend or acquaintance once in a while, so many more people would have what they need. It will be a couple hundred dollars to us, but it means Christmas for the family and it feels really good to be able to help out.

You Must Change Your Life

What is it about the poet Rainer Maria Rilke that keeps captivating me recently? I keep stumbling across random lines of his poetry without their context and finding myself being moved by them. Really moved. For the last 24 hours, this last line of "Archaic Torso of Apollo" has been echoing in my head. I have actually read this poem before, but I was reminded of it yesterday while reading an essay be a fellow Bennington alum. (A very good essay, I might add.)

I don't think that my life needs a complete makeover, but I do think that it always needs to be changing. I should always strive to become a better version of myself, to be more complete, to be happier, to contribute more.

I must change my life.




Here's the poem:

Archaic Torso of Apollo

We do not know his unheard of head,
in which the seeing of his eyes ripened. But
his trunk still glows like a thousand candles,
in which his looking, only turned down slightly,

continues to shine. Otherwise the thrust of the
breast wouldn't blind you, and from the light twist
of the loins a smile wouldn't flow into
that center where the generative power thrived.

Otherwise this stone would stand half disfigured
under the transparent fall of the shoulders,
and wouldn't shimmer like the skin of a wild animal;

it wouldn't be breaking out, like a star, on
all its sides: for there is no place on this stone,
that does not see you. You must change your life.

Dick Clark

I almost forgot. I saw on the front page of today's paper that the worst has happened...Dick Clark had a stroke and had to ask Regis Philbin to fill in on "Dick Clark's New Year's Rockin' Eve 2005."

I have always said that things are right in the world because I can count on seeing Dick on TV each New Years Eve. He has literally been on TV for New Years my entire life.

This is either a really bad sign, or a good one... or maybe it isn't a sign at all, but I still think it's sad. I don't like it when traditions end.

Introspection

After staying home all day yesterday nursing a horrible headache (which felt like a little man was in my head trying to poke my eyes out from the back) I went back to work today.

It's always when I am not feeling quite myself that I become the most introspective. Not sure why this is... maybe because I have too much time to think when I am hiding my head under the covers to avoid the light and subsequent pain caused by it?

In any case, yesterday I was thinking about high school. Specifically, I was thinking about how I used to be kind of a bad ass. Maybe not everyone I knew at the time saw me that way, but that was how I saw myself. I was just the right mix of goody goody high school student and the skanky cigarette smoker you might find in the high school bathroom.

I liked boys who wore leather and had piercings and I preferred that these boys have bleached blonde hair. They needed to ride a skateboard, motorcycle or drive their car excessively fast. Most of these boys were smart, but just didn't act smart all the time. (A tricky distinction.)

I liked to leave my house and go hang out at places that felt dangerous. I probably didn't think of it that way at the time, but we had parties in the woods and parties at places where nobody over the age of 16 and a half was home. Then we all drove home in the middle of the night. I liked to go to concerts at this alternative performance space. To get in you had to walk through a fog of pot smoke and cigarettes. I liked it that I knew people at places like that. I had a boyfriend who used to sneak in my window at night. And even thought I didn’t like cigarettes, I liked it that I knew how to smoke them and I liked to show off my skills at parties.

I really liked breaking the rules and getting away with it. (But not rules that would hurt other people.)Perhaps it was that whole "invincible youth" thing I was feeling. I thought less about consequences and more about the moment. I wanted to have adventures, to feel music, to be free, to be loved, to always be with my friends.

Things are different now. It has been about nine years since I was suffering from senioritis and while I am still me, I am a lot different.

I am a tamer version of my former self. I think I am still striving for the same things, to have adventures, to feel music, to be free, to be loved, to always be with my friends. But I am not wild anymore and I'm wondering; was that slightly crazy girl in high school the imposter? Or am I?

Did I sell out because I got married and moved to a neighborhood with matching houses? Or because I took a job that's good -- but not my dream job. Or because I don't like to go out drinking and can't stand to be around smoke? I can't remember the last time I broke a rule or law (unless you count speeding, but I got caught and had to go to driving school). But maybe the biggest change is that I don't crave the danger that I used to -- at least not on that uncontrollable visceral level. Sometimes I think it would be fun, to go back out to the edge and feel that kind of alive that I used to feel, but I can always reason myself out of this.

What I really think is that this means I am older. I am not that bad ass anymore, but I'm sure it's still in me. Maybe you can only feel that intoxicated with your own youth for a short time -- there is a window of time during which you can take advantage of it. If that is the case, I am grateful that I saw the opening and seized it. Sure, I did some stupid things, we all did, but I lived to tell about it and I have those experiences to keep. Now, I get to discover new and better ways to be alive.

Work on Sunday

I am at work on Sunday.

Wireless Wonderfulness

My new laptop arrived on Monday. For at least a year, maybe two, I have been obsessing over owning a laptop. My wish list (which is an actual list written in a notebook) has had. "laptop, ipod (40G) and front-loading washing machine" on it for a long long time. Now I have two out of three! And really, if we are going to be moving in a year, it doesn't make a ton of sense to get a new washing machine yet.

Anyways, the laptop is awesome and wonderful. It's small and speedy and I already have all of my important files and programs on it. It can play and record CD's and DVD's. It has plenty of ports and hard drive storage and...it has wireless internet. We don't have wireless internet or high speed internet at our house, but somebody nearby does and I can choose between two networks when signing on to my computer at home.

I discovered this fact Monday night while installing software and transfering files. Yes, I realize that this is not a good thing to take advantage of. Whoever administrates those networks can see if I am on them and they can look at things on my computer and they could also get really mad. Oh, and there is probably something illegal about it too. So it's not a long-term solution, but it's awesome for the time being. It's the speediest internet access I've ever had in my own home. Now I am asking myself how on earth I went so long with only a dial-up connection. But I am taking steps to get back to my old cutting-edge self.

Now we need a flat-screen high-resolution TV, Tivo, some new stereo equipment that is hooked up to the TV, a Blackberry for Neil, perhaps some satellite radio...

As much fun as all of this stuff is, and as thrilled as I am to have a laptop and an iPod, I also find myself wishing I didn't always wind up wanting things the way I do. I am materialistic. I wish I weren't, but I don't really see how it is practical not to be. You can't live in this society and then denounce consumerism and commercialism. If I were living off the land in the mountains someplace, then of course I would not need the clothes from Banana Republic or the iPod, or even that washing machine. I also wouldn't need to be entertained. I wouldn't go to movies, I wouldn't be compelled to own DVD's and so on. But, I do live here and I want to enjoy myself. Maybe it's a balance....a balance between having these things and letting these things fulfill you emotionally and spiritually. While I do indulge in retail therapy on occasion, I don't confuse satisfying my materialistic whims with fulfilling my soul. So, at least I have that going for me.

I got this note from the Universe the other day and really liked it. Maybe now I understand why?

Simply put, Jodi, the reason there are things you want, that have not yet appeared in your life, is because you're just not used to thinking of yourself with them. Sorry, kind of wish it was more complicated. Just keep practicing.

Birthday

Today is Patty P.'s birthday and so, I dedicate this post to her.

Happy Birthday!

Hope everyone has a good weekend.

Better?

For unknown reasons, I seem to be feeling a bit better about life today. Perhaps it's because it's sunny outside and I went to the gym last night, and my new laptop was shipped today so it should arrive soon.

I think it's interesting that Tom Ridge is quitting. The New York Times said today that he will be best remembered for "playing with colors". That made me giggle. I don't really have any rancor for Mr. Ridge. I just think he's pretty lame. But, I have gained a tad of respect for him since he had the good sense to resign from the evil empire.

In sad news, tonight is the last night that Tom Brokaw will be on NBC Nightly News. I wonder what he will say at the end of the broadcast. He can't possibly say, "I'll see you back here tomorrow night." Will he say, "I'll see you later." or maybe "I won't be seeing you." I am going to have to do my best to watch...I really don't like it that he's retiring, but I am sure I'll get over it.

I'm off to drink some green tea. Someday soon I will have some good and interesting things to post about...

Top Word of the Year

Did you know that the most searched-for word on Merriam-Webster online in 2004 was (drum roll please) Blog? How funny. I didn't even know Blog was in the dictionary.

Here is the official definition:

Blog - noun [short for Weblog ] (1999) : a Web site that contains an
online personal journal with reflections, comments, and often
hyperlinks provided by the writer.

Hmm. Good to know.

Well, Thanksgiving was ok. I survived and the food was good. There was ample weirdness, but also some goodness, so it all kind of balanced out to be neutral. If this isn't making any sense, I apologize. I am just not quite ready to get into family stuff on this site.

Speaking of which, I have absolutely no idea who actually reads this thing. Yes, I know that I have a few non-commenting friends who read it and some of you e-mail me about things on here once in a while, but where did those thousand hits come from? How do people even find my site? And how does one achieve the kind of fame in the blog world where the people who run Blogger notice your blog and list it on the Blogs of Note list? I am not sure I want that kind of recognition... but I am just wondering.

I am also wondering if humans used to hibernate in the winter. Or at least hunker down more because, without fail, when the days start getting shorter, I have this urge to eat a bunch and curl up in flannel and sleep. A co-worker was just telling me that he read something that basically said we used to keep much shorter hours in the winter, but artificial lights have messed everything up. If this is true, at least there's a more scientific explanation for my laziness than me just being lazy.

I think I will end this random random post with a bit of advice I received from my little brother (the smartest person I know.)


"Keep your head up and take care of you. You can only control how you act, so do it. Take lessons from others and make yourself a better life. Act like the person you know you are, and if people see you doing well -- really truly happy -- they will be inspired by you and do the same for themselves. These little things will sort themselves out. Things will change and the unexpected will be the same. People will grow, or shrink as they chose. It is up to each one of us to take care of ourselves as well as our family. So use your energy for something productive and don’t get all hung up on the problems."

Obviously this advice is about some family crap we're going through, but it can really apply to so much and it helped snap me out of a funk today (the advice, lunch with Nancy and some cheery TV-related e-mails from Sean.) So thanks Dustin and thanks to my friends for being there. I am off to be like myself and get my butt to the gym.

That Fat Time of Year

Why is it that at the holidays, the one time of year when I see old friends and lots of family, I am always the fattest? It doesn't seem to matter how well I try to eat or how much I exercise. As soon as it begins to get chilly outside, the fat just piles onto my body and by the time Christmas Eve rolls around, I am plump.

I don't mean to say that I'm fat. I know that I'm not. But, I go between two or three pants sizes each year and I am at the top end right now and some are beginning to feel snug. This is not good. Something must be done. But what? Extreme liquid diet? Psychotic workout regime? Or maybe exactly what I am already doing, but I have to keep doing it for three or four more weeks to see any results whatsoever.

The worst thing about weight gain: You can eat like a lunatic and gain five pounds in a long weekend and then it takes a month of good eating and exercise to get rid of them.

Anyways, I am going to roll myself to my parents' house tomorrow morning to begin cooking the feast...And after that, it's back to protein shakes and fresh fruit. Wish me luck.

Driving School

On Saturday, I had to spend six hours in driver improvement school. It was in a meeting room at a Comfort Inn, which, based on my experience, was not at all comfortable.

There were a bunch of other poor saps like myself who were there because of speeding tickets that they did not want on their driving records. Then we had a handful of scary men with lots of tattoos and slight beer bellies who had that badder-than-shit attitude that really tells the world they're scared, but they think they're tough.

Anyways, I survived and remained awake the whole time. (The girl next to me wasn't so lucky and nodded off several times.)

Here are some things I learned:

1) Five people die in intersections for every one person who dies on the interstate.
2) Even Listerine can set off a vehicle interlock device.
3) If you aren't drunk (above the legal limit of .08 blood alcohol content) but you had a glass of wine with dinner and someone rear ends you, even if it wasn't your fault, if a police officer smells alcohol on your breath, you can get a ticket for driving under the influence. (Drunk people get driving while intoxicated tickets.)
4) Your tires should be no more than 18 inches from the curb when parallel parking.
5) Railroad signs are the only traffic signs that are round.
6) I should never ever get caught speeding again if I don't want my brain to be further subjected to the mind-numbing torture that is driver improvement school.

Thanksgiving is coming. Right now, while I do have lots to be thankful for, I also have a lot of grievances and questions. I'm a bit apprehensive of this approaching holiday. I just hope it goes more smoothly than I am predicting it will.

Jane Smiley

In high school, I had to read Jane Smiley's A Thousand Acres. I hated it. I don't remember why, or even much of what the book was about... but I had a lingering dislike for the author until this afternoon when I finally read an article my dad forwarded to me last week.

Jane Smiley is answering the question: "Why do Americans hate the Democrats?"

The following string of quotes have made me see Jane Smiley in a new light.

"The election results reflect the decision of the right wing to cultivate and exploit ignorance in the citizenry...The error that progressives have consistently committed over the years is to underestimate the vitality of ignorance in America. Listen to what the red state citizens say about themselves, the songs they write, and the sermons they flock to. They know who they are-they are full of original sin and they have a taste for violence. The blue state citizens make the Rousseauvian mistake of thinking humans are essentially good, and so they never realize when they are about to be slugged from behind."

Brilliant! I know many others have said the same thing in different ways, but I am impressed by my old enemy. To read the rest of her column go here.

Death By Meeting

In the past two days I have been to five meetings. When I finally make it back to my desk after another epic meeting, it takes me a good 30 minutes to figure out what on earth I was working so hard to accomplish before I was so rudely interrupted. For the most part, meetings are the downfall of all productivity.

To make matters worse. At today's first meeting, a woman who I have met several times said "Jodi, I think we've e-mailed, but never met...Nice to finally meet you." I didn't correct her because she had me so confused that I began to think I hadn't actually met her at all.

Then at today's second meeting I did the same thing to a woman that I had met before. It slowly dawned on me during the meeting that I had met her and I felt like a huge jerk.

In the meantime, my personal life seems to be, for the most part, unraveling and it's making me really really sad – which doesn't lend to productivity. Luckily I have Neil and some friends to help me weather the storm.

Strep

Last week I didn't feel great. My throat felt weird and one of my tonsils was really big, along with both glands on the side of my throat...So, at the urging of my boss, I went to the doctor. Going to the doctor is not like is used to be. Now that I am on an HMO health plan, I have to wait for at least an hour in the waiting room and a half-hour in the exam room before seeing a doctor; I believe the waiting time is mandated... Last week was even worse than normal and I had to wait for about two hours before I saw the doctor. Then, of course, she does the most cursory exam, swabs my throat a couple times and sends me on my way with a prescription I am not to fill unless I get a call from her office. I was done within seven minutes from the minute she walked in the door.

Even in this very brief time, the doctor was able to make me feel like I was a hypochondriac. She does this every time – even when I am shivering with a 102 degree fever. It's amazing. They must have taught her this skill along with "bedside manner" in medical school. Anyways, last week, the doctor said "I'll swab your throat to be sure it's not strep, but it doesn't look like strep to me. It actually looks like some food is stuck in your tonsil and it has caused a little infection. No big deal. Go home and gargle salt water."

So, I left feeling dumb and exhausted (both from my long stay in the waiting room and the fact that I was sick.) I spent the rest of Thursday laying low at home and returned to work Friday. I felt a little off all weekend, but figured it was just my body fighting the foreign particle in my tonsil (which the doctor so helpfully drew a picture of so that I could see how it really has lots of crevasses in it and it's not smooth.) I went to work on Monday feeling ok and blamed the lack of energy on the cloudiness and then Tuesday morning, I got a phone call from the doctor asking if I "went ahead and filled the antibiotic prescription."

I explained that I hadn't and she suggested I do it since my throat culture came back positive for STREP! She said it's a different kind of strep, but I should take the antibiotics to be sure to get rid of it.

While I was glad for the explanation for my exhaustion and general malaise, I was and remain a tad annoyed that it took from last Thursday until this Tuesday (that's six days) to let me know that the throat culture was positive. Also annoying: The fact that the doctor sent me home feeling like I was crazy and dumb when actually, I had strep.

So, I am now on antibiotics and seem to be slowly emerging from the haze. It's really too bad that I have to be afraid of my health care provider. HMOs are the devil.

Old Friends

This week I have been spending a lot of time downloading music from my cd's to the computer and then uploading them onto my iPod. Everyone predicted this would be the case if I ever got an iPod because: a) I am musically obsessed and b) I own an obscene number of cds.

In the process of scouring my CD collection for music suitable to be on my iPod, I came across an old cd that some friends of mine made in high school. Their band was called The Creation Band and they were really good. Surprisingly, they weren't just good back then because I was in high school and all the other garage bands were terrible. This band was really good. The members were all a little too obsessed with reggae culture as some privileged white adolescent boys tend to become during high school -- but we could forgive them because they were good friends and they were talented musicians – we got over the dreadlocks and fake Jamaican accents.

The summer after high school while I was working two jobs and preparing for college, The Creation Band went on tour. I believe that is when they recorded their album. When I left for college, I had a tape of the album and I played and played it as a way to stay connected to my friends and to avoid becoming too homesick. In fact, I played it so much that the ribbon wore out and I could only listen to a few songs at the beginning of the tape and a few songs at the end. My sophomore roommate became enamored with one of the band members because she thought he had a sexy voice. I thought she was slightly insane, but we kept listening until it became really obvious that the tape was not going to work anymore.

During the spring of my senior year in college, the band's trombone player, my first boyfriend and subsequently one of my really good friends, Carl, died of a brain tumor. Sometime shortly after I flew home to speak at his memorial, I received a CD in the mail from his parents. It was the Creation Band album. I was thrilled since I had reluctantly retired the tape two years earlier. Of course, the music was something different now... it was music to listen to if I wanted to cry. I would find the tracks that featured Carl playing his trombone and crank them up and sob. This weepy stage lasted a while and the CD went into storage...until this week.

Out of the five or six band members that I was friends with in high school, today I am in touch with one. I know that one of the guitarists moved to Spain recently and I ran into the lead singer at a gas station in Santa Fe not too long ago. He looked different and the same...mostly older. I was thrilled to see him and we chatted for a little while. It wasn't a terrible encounter, you know one of those awkward conversations with tons of silent pauses, but it also could have gone more smoothly. We didn't fall back into the old familiar rhythms of conversation...and I suppose that doesn't happen with too many people. Friendships that pick up right where they left off despite the distance of time and space are few and far between.

I used to mourn these faded friendships. In high school, you love your friends fast and hard. They are family. I still miss the people who have drifted away from me… And today, when I listened to the Creation Band CD for the first time in four years, I felt like I got some of those friends back in a small way, at least for a moment. The Creation Band has turned into a happy memory of old friends and past times, a connection to who we were back then…I am so grateful to have this music that can take me back.

Clouds

Yesterday I went walking at lunch with my new iPod. It was totally unseasonable weather -- I think the high was around 72 degrees -- and the sun was shining and the wind was blowing ever-so slightly which made the beautifully-colored leaves slowly drift from the trees. The grass was still green and it was just a perfect day. Add to that how exciting it was to be walking around with my iPod that I had just loaded up with 278 songs and how nice it was to have that alone time to just think. I didn't want to go inside at the end of the walk. I could have kept walking all afternoon. I love having moments like that, having my own personal adventure and creating a moment to savor by doing something as simple as taking a long walk with good music.

Today, it's cloudy. I went walking with a coworker and we got rained on a little bit. I feel good after today's walk, but I was happy to be back in the office in my turtleneck sweater and corduroys. Strange how much of a difference weather can make on my mood. When it's sunny and the sky is blue and infinite, I feel like everything is possible. When it's cloudy, I feel like curling up with a book, lighting candles, wearing flannel PJ's...you get the idea. Both moods can be good, but I'd prefer an abundance of sunny days. Here's hoping for no clouds tomorrow.

Sorry Everybody

I am completely in love with this site. Basically hundreds and hundreds of people have taken apology pictures and posted them here. Mostly it's Americans apologizing to the rest of the world, but there are also people from Canada, Spain, Finland, France, Australia and others with little signs of their own accepting our apologies. It's so cheesy and pathetic, but at the same time it's absolutely perfect. I am really moved by the number of people who took the time to write out a sign and take a picture holding it and post their pictures on the internet. It makes a really powerful statement. I hope lots of people around the world get the chance to check the site out.

I couldn't have said it better

"The big danger is one of hubris. There's a tendency after you win your second term to think you're invulnerable. You're not just king of the mountain, you've mastered the mountain. That can often lead to mistakes of excessive pride."
David R. Gergen, former presidential adviser

The above quote is the quote of the day from the New York Times daily e-mail. It so clearly expresses one of my biggest fears about the recent reelection of W. The thing is, we were already witnessing mistakes of excessive pride when Bush hadn't even been elected by the popular majority. Now, since he was elected by the majority, he is running around saying he has "political capital" to burn. This is terrifying.

I saw on the news last night that a school district in Wisconsin (I think its Wisconsin) is having a serious discussion about teaching creationism in the schools alongside evolution. God help us.

Meanwhile, in Jodiland, things are ok. I had a good weekend that included seeing The Incredibles (awesome), attending a UNM basketball game that we thought was going to be a football game (long story), having a belated birthday lunch with my dad and grandma and Neil in Santa Fe (fun), going to a book signing by Zsolt my old ballet and piano teacher who has since contracted a debilitating disease and is now confined to a wheelchair and wrote a book about living and dying (I cried), received an iPod for my birthday from my parents (very exciting) and ate an entirely too large dinner at the Steaksmith.

My great-aunt Irma is really ill and my mom flew to Michigan with Irma's daughter (my cousin) Pam. So she missed my birthday lunch. But hopefully she's helping everyone cope and making things better for Irma in her last days. Ugh.

Best Headline

The hilarious headline of the day from CNN.com: Some Kerry supporters glum after loss.

The article itself is about how shrinks in blue states got a spike in business after the election. Which is somehow funny to me... maybe because it's so obvious? What? Kerry supporters are glum? Who could imagine that?

I will admit feeling glum about staring down the barrel of another four years with Bush as president, but I'm doing better. It is not a death sentence. Instead, it's a new reason for us to fight as hard as we can. We have to protect our rights and work to keep our country a place that values difference and individual freedoms. If we all give up and go into a Prozac haze, or worse a pit of despair, who knows what kind of country we'll wake up to in four years.

Anyways, in New Mexico, we still don't know if we're red or blue, but it's sunny out and I can see the mountains out my window and I am feeling less and less glum as I begin to think about ways I can make a difference in the next four years.

Task number one: Cheer up and continue to stand for what I believe in.

A quote from Howard Dean that really sums up what happened and what needs to happen next:

"Tens of millions of us are disappointed today because we put so much of ourselves into this election. We donated money, we talked to friends, we knocked on doors. We invested ourselves in the political process.

That process does not end today. These are not short-term investments. We will only create lasting change if that sense of obligation and responsibility becomes a permanent part of our lives.

Martin Luther King, Jr. said, 'Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter. '

We will not be silent. "

Disaster

It happened. My worst fear was realized and George W. Bush was re-elected. But as if that wasn't bad enough, Republicans also kept the majority in the House and the Senate. And the icing on the cake? Eleven states approved constitutional amendments banning gay marriage. ELEVEN.

I am an underrepresented minority. This is terrifying to me because Bush is so obviously the worst president we have had in the history of this country. It is so incredibly clear to me that Bush is evil, that he does not have the country's best interest at heart, that he is using his power to better himself, not his country. And yet, millions more Americans voted for him than they did for John Kerry.

The pollsters say it all comes down to moral values... which is really a secret code for "conservative Christian values." Bush may not read the newspapers, he may have lied to the nation and world about the reasons for going into Iraq, he may have supported acts with misleading names like the "Clear Skies Initiative" and "No Child Left Behind" which actually increase pollution and leave children WAY behind, he may make decisions based on the voices in his head that he believes are coming from god, but it doesn't matter to the majority of Americans. They don't care that he gives tax breaks to the very very rich and is in bed with big business (Halliburton anyone?). They don’t care that he has driven our nation into deep deep debt. All they cared about when they stepped inside those voting booths yesterday was that Bush shared their "values" (actually beliefs that limit the freedom of others...e.g. abortion is bad, gays are bad). Oh, and Bush says God a lot and, if you believe him, then you know that God chose him to be president.

"Of course, well, if GOD says so..."

Needless to say, this is not the most stellar of birthdays... but it's also not the worst. Life will go on. Four years will pass. I hope that some of those Supreme Court justices will hang on for another four years. I hope that the erosion of our civil liberties will cease. I know it's a cliché, but I am considering moving away from here...maybe not permanently, but just until things start to turn around. Although, if all the people who think like me leave, we'll be essentially surrendering our country to those red people in the red states.

I don't have all the answers, but I feel like my balloon has been deflated and like there's a rain cloud hovering overhead.

The Big Day

People are voting. I wish I could simultaneously knock on the door of every American voter and encourage everyone to vote for John Kerry. This is SO important!

Instead, I am a spectator.

Tonight, I will go home and watch enough cable news for the next four years of my life. Hopefully, by the time I go to sleep, I will know who the president is. If not, I will wake ups tomorrow and watch some more cable news. It's like staring at a terrible car accident, or not being able to turn off a crime drama because you need to see the end. Only, I am a woman obsessed with politics.

Despite being a tad nervous about the outcome, I do like the excitement that is in the air. I like the fact that all of the voting Americans are going to be having a shared experience today, that so many people are going to the polls to exercise their right to vote and to make their voices heard. And that so many Americans are engaged in this process. We have thousands and thousands of new voters this year and I suppose that is one of the positive outcomes of all the political rancor we've been subjected to (or a part of) for so many months and years. Even though we are so polarized and have been fighting for so long, maybe (and I know it's a big maybe) this election will bring people together in the end? Whatever happens, there seems to be a calm hovering above the United States right now. Is it the calm before the storm of lawyers and partisan wrangling? Or maybe it's the calm after the storm of negative ads and campaigning we've endured for the past year. Perhaps it's just the calm between storms...

j.g.s Election Prediction: Despite, or perhaps because of, the fact that I am way too informed about this race, I can't even begin to make a prediction...

Hero of the Day

Today's hero is Eminem. I saw him on Saturday Night Live this weekend performing his new song "Mosh" which is awesome and makes a great statement and will hopefully reach people who are less inclined to go out and vote and encourage them to go to their polling place tomorrow. The song is best when heard while watching the video...Mosh

Tomorrow is the big day. Clinton was in town yesterday to rally the party faithful. It was cool to see him at the rally. He made a clear and compelling case for John Kerry. He told the crowd that Kerry wants to increase the number of troops in Iraq, he wants to double the size of the U.S. Special Forces, he is committed to succeeding in Iraq and for these reasons, he will be better for our national security than George "God made me president" Bush.

I have no idea what is going to happen tomorrow. I am not letting myself get too hopeful, but I am also not going to start believing that Bush is going to be re-elected. I'm looking forward to watching the drama unfold tomorrow and I sincerely hope that the outcome will be a good one.

Quote of the Day

From Maureen Dowd's New York Times Op-Ed piece:

"President Bush is like one of the blissfully ignorant teenagers in "Friday the 13th'' movies, spouting slogans like "Freedom is on the march'' while Freddy Krueger is in the closet, ready to claw his skin off."

Happy Halloween!

Alone

I have come to believe that most people go through life disguising their aloneness by surrounding themselves with family and friends and so on. However, despite the fact that I have family and friends and Neil, there are moments (like today, for instance) when all of that falls away and I am reminded that I really am alone .

It's hard to say exactly what makes one of these moments occur. Maybe it is in part because I live so far away from most of my friends and because I haven't seen Neil a lot lately and because I've never lived near my extended family and because my little brother is in Italy and my mom is working so much it takes her three days to return my phone calls and when she does she only has three minutes to talk and because my dad is really absorbed with his own crap and maybe not the best-equipped to help me cope with mine...

But anyways, I just realized a few minutes ago, for what was probably the 4 millionth time in my life, that I am really alone. Hopefully the illusion that I am not alone will rebuild itself soon, because this feeling is always terrifying...

Hmm...

First of all, I tried to update last week to write about this awesome event I went to with Nancy on Wednesday night called First Fiction 2004. Basically five authors who recently published their first novels came to Albuquerque and read from their books at a bar downtown. It was very very cool and inspiring and it just felt good to be around a bunch of literary people for a bit...It made me long for the long days at Bennington and the faculty and student readings and endless literary discussions over every single meal. I had some more profound things to say about the whole experience last week, but then my entire post was deleted. So for now, that's all I've got.

So, today, I had to look up a teen author who submitted an article to me and then vanished. We want to publish it but need her photo and her address so we can pay her blah blah blah... After exhausting everything else, I decided to Google her and lo and behold, there she was. I found her blog and it had a different e-mail address on it and, gasp, a phone number. So, my problem may be solved. But then I began to wonder how easy it would be to find me. I typed in my first and last name and sure enough, the first link to me came up from a newspaper article about credit unions in which I was quoted but the second was this blog. Now, I thought I had done a good job of hiding the blog, or at least not attaching it to my whole name... apparently not. I got sloppy and put my name on the little copyright line at the bottom of the blog. (I changed it this afternoon to only show my initials, but might be stuck in Google's search engine for a long time to come). It's not like I am publishing nuclear secrets on here or anything, but I also like to maintain some degree of anonymity... so that someone looking me up can't type in my name in Google, stumble upon my blog and learn way more about me than I want them to know. Not sure what to do to resolve this dilemma. Can I contact Google and ask to be removed? When will their little monkeys come across my now name-free page again and update their files? Augh.

Meanwhile, Neil is out of town and has been since Saturday morning. It's lonely without him. I am really looking forward to some quality husband time sometime soon.

And finally a consumer warning, DO NOT sign up for alarm service with Protect America. They are an evil company with many tricks and traps in their contracts and with salesmen who lie to get business. Long long story, but take my word for it.

The Countdown

Two weeks from right now, polls will be closing on the east coast and people here will be waiting in lines to vote and I imagine the country will be on pins and needles. The "experts" are saying that we may not know who won the presidential election until Nov. 3 or even later. Nov. 3 happens to be my birthday. For my sake and the sake of my country, I really hope the election has been decided by Wednesday morning two weeks from now. If Kerry wins, that will be an extra b-day present for me, but even if Bush wins, having an election that doesn't have to go through litigation and doesn't leave the country even more divided than it already is would be of infinite value to the United States and, I imagine it will make my birthday more pleasant.

However, if we still don't know who the next president will be on my 26th birthday, maybe there will be rioting? Maybe news crews from around the world will be camped outside the Bernalillo County Clerk's office. (The clerk declared last week that the absentee ballots, of which there are expected to be more than 75,000, may not be counted until late Nov. 3rd.)Maybe it will be declared a national holiday because everyone will need to stay home and flip between CNN and MSNBC (and FOX for those conservatives among us) to watch people look at hanging chads or to find out where the missing ballot boxes have gone. I certainly don't wish for any of the aforementioned chaos, however, I believe all of it is entirely possible. Bush and Kerry lawyers could end up brawling outside courthouses and in front of cameras. The candidates could be forced to seek shelter in underground bunkers. We really just have no idea what is in store. The newspapers are saying that polls show a tie and that spells disaster. Maybe we'll split into two nations?

What a headache. I am so glad it's almost over.

Quick Bits

* In China they call the Milky Way the Silver River. I like that...it seems very magical and beautiful. I heard a man being interviewed on the radio about the planets and stars and he said that astronomy terms are always very understandable. Spots on the sun are called sun spots; places in the universe with no light are called black holes etc. He said this makes the science accessible to people in a way other areas of science are not. I thought that was interesting and true. But I still did miserably in my Earth as a Planet class in college.

* I heard this line today from the poet Rainer Maria Rilke: "...be patient toward all that is unsolved in your heart and try to love the questions themselves like locked rooms and like books that are written in a very foreign tongue. Do not now seek the answers, which cannot be given you because you would not be able to live them. And the point is, to live everything. Live the questions now."

I am not prepared to intelligently write about the Rilke quote, but to say that I agree with it and it helped me gain a little perspective in the midst of a crazy week.

* We had fun with Neil's dad and sister last weekend. They liked the balloons and we enjoyed them even though we went two weekends in a row. Sunday we rode bikes to the zoo and saw a baby gorilla in a nursery with a diaper and a baby kangaroo in its mom's pouch. Very cool.

* I have been helping coordinate a visit from the U.S. Department of Treasury to one of our credit unions and then to a financial education program we help teach. The visit is tomorrow and I am petrified that it will be turned into a campaign speech for the administration. Why else would they be coming to this swing state at this time? My dad suggests I get up and interrupt if the speech by the Assistant Secretary begins to go awry. However, if I want to keep my job, that may not be a viable option. In the meantime, I am exhausted and behind on other work because I'm helping with all of this crazy Treasury stuff. Tomorrow, I report to work at 6:30 a.m. to drive to Santa Fe for the first event.

* Friday begins weekend 3 with house guests. Neil's mom rescheduled her visit for this coming weekend. Looking forward to seeing her, but if I don't get some down time to recharge soon, I don't know what will happen.

* The last presidential debate begins in a couple hours. I am having political nightmares already. I'm tempted to tune out the debate and watch a movie instead, but I'll probably watch because I want to be able to talk about it tomorrow. It's all so nerve-wracking...

These balloons are HUGE... 

A balloon and the moon. Cool picture I took at the Albuquerque International Balloon Fiesta. 

Ahhhhh...

Perhaps the best thing about living where I do is that for a week in October, weather permitting, I get to drive to work every day and look up at the sky to see hundreds of hot air balloons. Despite the simplicity of it, there's really nothing like a sky full of brightly colored balloons.

This morning was a great one. I got to look at balloons the entire way to work... I probably risked crashing several times, but I managed to arrive at work unscathed and now, I am watching balloons float by my window. At any one time between 30 and 50 balloons are framed by the wall of windows in my office. A few minutes ago a big Yellow and red balloon landed in the field across from our office and we got to watch the chase crew arrive and help the pilots fold the giant balloon and pack it into a trailer on their SUV. Of course, not much work has been accomplished thus far, but soon, the air will get too warm, all the balloons will come down and it will be as if it were another normal day. I am just grateful for the momentary joy these balloons have brought me on an otherwise normal Wednesday.

My family has told me that in the fall of 1996, when my grandpa was being rushed in an ambulance to the heart hospital a few days before he died, the balloons were in the sky and he had a great time watching them out the back window of his ambulance. I like to think about that at this time of year when I miss him the most. And now that I live here and can witness this extraordinary event every fall, I always do it with my grandpa in mind. I'm watching the balloons for him too.

Balloons

This weekend began the Albuquerque International Balloon Fiesta and Neil, Scott and I were on Balloon Fiesta Field at 6:15 Saturday morning to see the more than 700 balloons take flight. It was perfect weather and the balloons were awesome. Scott was visiting from Chicago which was fun. We hadn't seen him since Jenn's wedding in Iowa and then we only got to see him a little.

So the weekend was nice, but I'm exhausted. We had a dinner party Friday night in Scott's honor... or something like that... and there were about 14 people over. Our dogs didn't know what to do with themselves. At first they were barking at everyone they saw, but then they started to enjoy all the attention. It was a good experiment in dog socialization... and it was nice to get friends together and laugh.

I am happy that John Kerry won the debate (and he so clearly did). I'm glad he went up in the polls and I hope this trend continues until Election Day.

It is less than a month until we know who will run the country for the next four years. AND it's less than a month until my birthday! Both, very important events...

More house guests arrive Thursday and we do another round of Balloon Fiesta. I'm looking forward to it, but I'm also looking forward to getting some sleep in between now and then.

The Meaning of Music

I have always been moved by music. I realize that sounds cheesy, but it's true. Music and writing speak to me. I've heard many songs in my life that express exactly what I'm feeling at the time I'm hearing them. Usually these songs become my favorites. I buy the CD and play the song over and over again. I sing at top volume -- grateful that I can finally so artfully express my current state of being... even if I am borrowing someone else's artful expression...I suspect that this is not something unique to me...but that it's actually sort of a universal product of the human condition... we're always looking for things that speak to us, that say something about our experience. This is why the stories on This American Life are always so compelling...it's actually a requirement that any stories aired reflect something about the broader human condition, not just the author's funny story. Maybe this is also one reason why people obsess over actors and other celebrities... because said celebrities have somehow expressed something their fans only wish they could have expressed. Anyway, I digress.

Music.

This morning, I rediscovered Finoa Apple's "Paper Bag." This was the song from her second CD that I instantly fell in love with. It was 1999. I was in the middle of my senior year of college and while I was in love with Neil, I was close enough to the times of romantic despair (many involving Neil) and I was still figuring out who I was and what I was about and this song was so smart and... well...artfully expressed, that I was hooked.

"Hunger hurts and I want him so bad, oh it kills, cuz I know I'm a mess he don't want to clean up. I've got to fold cuz these hands are too shaky to hold. Hunger hurts, but starving works when it costs too much to love."

So, this morning, on my way to work, I put the CD in my car stereo and cranked the volume and sang Paper Bag, and even though I relate much less to Fiona Apple's particular dilemma at this point in my life than when I first heard the song, it was still awesome. I belted it out in my loudest i'm-alone-in-the-car-and-i-don't-care-how-i-sound voice and it felt great. Once you have been impacted by a song, it's sort of like a gift you get to keep with you for the rest of your life. When I'm 78, I imagine I'll still be able to put Paper Bag in the stereo and sing at top volume. The songs of my life are a part of me and pieced together, I think they might tell an interesting story.

The Joy of Fall and Being a Tourist in Washington

I have been walking around all day feeling very happy. Even thought it is Monday and I had to battle with and almost fire our printer and I am staring down the barrel of an incredibly hectic week, I have been feeling really happy and I think it's because it's fall. There's a crisp chill in the air and some leaves are turning yellow and Halloween and Thanksgiving are approaching and I couldn't be happier.

I love fall. Neil and I got to drink hot chocolate in our living room last night and not feel ridiculous. Had we done this a couple weeks earlier when it was still in the 80s outside, we would have been very silly.

Fall means being able to be cozy in my house while wearing pjs and slippers. Fall means the International Balloon Fiesta (which starts this weekend), and it means that we get to carve pumpkins soon and that I can take walks with co-workers at lunch without boiling alive and melting into the pavement.

D.C. last week didn't feel a bit like fall. It was in the 80's every day. Overall the trip was a success. We met with our legislators; they liked the umbrellas and seemed convinced of the virtues of our industry. I also got to do some touristy things this time, unlike my trip in June. I went to some of the monuments at night -- very cool. Shopped in Georgetown -- nothing amazing. Went out in Adams Morgan -- fun. Got into the Native American Museum which just opened last Tuesday -- incredibly cool. And, visited the panda bears at the National Zoo -- wonderful.
Much of the time I was serving as tour guide for some of the people on the trip. That was frustrating at times, but not terrible.

Observations:

1. Within about a three mile radius of the Capitol Building black suits are required. Some women accessorize said black suits with things like colored shirts or scarves, but even that could be frowned on.

2. The police are fond of shutting down roads willy-nilly. I realize this is probably because of the massive number of important people in Washington D.C. at any given time... but it's ridiculous.

3. Everybody in D.C. is interested in politics, including cab drivers who are too interested and try to shove politics down the throats of innocent passengers.

Could I live in the District sometime? I think I could. I don't know how long I'd last there, but it has a lot to offer and it could be a lot of fun.

Apples, Honey and Heading to The District

Yesterday was Rosh Hashanah -- the Jewish new year. We are now in the year 5765 (I'm pretty sure about that). So, in honor of this day, I spent three and a half hours in temple yesterday. When I was little I used to hate the high holidays. They were the only two days of the year that I was guaranteed to have my little but in a pew at synagogue and be dressed up (usually in uncomfortable tights) and suffer. To me, those few hours were excruciating. But for the last few years, it really hasn't been so bad. It's actually nice to celebrate the new year. And since we're living in New Mexico, I get to go to the same temple I went to as a kid and it feels like home in a strange way...even if I didn't really enjoy my time there growing up. For the next ten days I am supposed to think very hard about the things I did wrong last year and I'm supposed to act like a model citizen so that I get written into the book of life for this coming year. Pretty heavy stuff...

A Rosh Hashanah tradition is eating apples dipped in honey to symbolize a sweet new year. Last night after dinner, my mom, dad, grandma and Neil and I sat around in my parents' living room and ate apples and honey. They were so good...and I couldn't figure out if they were actually amazing apples with amazing honey or if part of the reason they tasted so good was the company I was with and the tradition we were keeping.

On Monday, I am headed for the District. (I think this name for Washington D.C. is really amusing and have been overusing it lately) I sent my 25 umbrellas off with UPS a couple days ago and now have to figure out how to squeeze about 10 glorified tote bags in my suitcase. Ah the joys of planning an event. Today I have been fielding "What do I wear" calls. Hopefully, I will not get arrested for my weapon-like umbrellas, nor will I be eaten alive by any of the trip participants and I will return home alive and well Thursday night.

New Music Alert: The Postal Service's album Give Up is awesome. (Please note, the first track is titled "The District Sleeps Alone" and District is, in fact, referring to Washington D.C.)

Umbrellas and Poor Planning

Next week I am going to Washington D.C. for the national Hike the Hill for credit unions. Fifteen people from New Mexico will be with our group and thousands of others from around the country will descend on the District as well. Our little group will be visiting our five legislators. (Other states have to make 15 or 20 visits and we only make five – yay for living in an under-populated state.)

As part of our visit to their offices, where we explain to them or their staffers how credit unions are different from banks and why we have a not-for-profit structure and deserve the tax-exempt status we are granted at the state and federal level, we always bring a gift. In June, we had little backpacks with pens and playing cards inside. This time, I decided to go all-out and order umbrellas with my company's new name and logo printed on them. Credit unions have been referred to as financial umbrellas for our members (shielding members from the financial storms of life – no, I am not kidding… that’s a bit too good to make up) so I thought it was clever idea. I looked through countless catalogues of promotional items and settled on some big heavy-duty umbrellas. They're not quite as large as golf umbrellas, but they're also far from the little cheap fold-up umbrellas.

So, I have had this large box of umbrellas in my office for a few weeks now and it only just dawned on me that we might not even be able to get them through security at the congressional office buildings. Each umbrella has a long metal point on top and they could easily double as weapons. Not only might they be banned by security, but I also have to carry them around the city with me. (Please note that we are giving two umbrellas to each office.) Some of the days we have meetings with two different legislative offices with lunch in between and a meeting beforehand. That means I could be carrying four large umbrellas from 8 a.m. until I drop the last one off at 3p.m. And I could be dropping it off in the trash can at the security station instead of in the arms of a New Mexico lawmaker...

Way to go Jodi... My bright idea has turned into a potential nightmare... not to mention the fact that I have to get these things on the airplane with me... Oh the joys of post-9/11 life (and poor planning).

Old Man Gloom

This year was the 80th anniversary of the burning of Zozobra, a large puppet (60 feet tall, I believe) that is supposed to carry away all the gloom from the previous year as it goes up in flames. Every year, the Kiwanis Club in Santa Fe coordinates the event, builds the paper puppet and then sets him on fire on a hill above a large park. Over the years, the display has become more and more elaborate with increasingly sophisticated fireworks and other pyrotechnics. There are little kids dressed in sheets that dance around before the fires are lit and are supposed to represent the gloom that's about to be torched... then there are various dancers including one dressed in red (the fire dancer) who comes out and symbolically sets Zozobra on fire. While all the dancing is taking place, the puppet moans and groans and flails his arms around and the crowd chants, "Burn him! Burn him!" "Que Viva La Fiesta!" "Que Viva" and other less friendly things like "Burn the Motherfucker". When I was in high school, my friends and I used to yell, "Burn the puppet!" to be funny. Looking back, it really doesn't seem that funny at all...
After all the chanting and dancing, fireworks go off and Zozobra starts on fire.

I realize that this all probably sounds a little bizarre... but growing up with it as part of my tradition, I didn't realize how strange it was. In fact, it didn't seem strange at all. When I was little, my family would have a picnic on the field before dark and then hang around to watch the burning. Then in high school I went every year. When college came along, I also went every year because my school didn't start until a week or two after Zozobra. A small group of friends was usually still in town and we'd get together and go watch. But before last Thursday, I hadn't been to Zozobra in a long time. I'm pretty sure that the last time I watched Old Man Gloom burn, I was with my friend Carl who was battling a cancerous tumor in his brain and, at that point, winning. That was the last time I really got to hang out with him. I saw him briefly that winter over Christmas and then, in the spring, he died. But that year at Zozobra, we were all so alive as we watched our glooms go up in smoke and I drove him home and a group of friends talked and played music and everything was right in the world.

This year -- which I believe is five years after the Zozobra I attended with Carl -- was Neil's inaugural trip to Zozobra. It was very exciting...perhaps more so for me than Neil since I'd been wanting to drag him to the crazy pagan ritual for years. I think he had fun...Other than a fight breaking out in the crowd near us (the police broke it up right away) and Neil saying at one point, "I don't know how you grew up here," (this comment might have been fueled by the abundance of scantily-clad girls and gangster-looking guys on the field with us) he seemed to enjoy it. I enjoyed it too...at one point, when the crowd was at its craziest, I really missed Carl. I got that feeling I sometimes do when buried in a crowd, that all-alone feeling, even though I couldn't be further from alone...and I really missed my friend. But then I snapped out of it and started shouting and I held onto Neil a little tighter and let myself be swept up in the moment as Zozobra's mouth started spewing flames and he moaned and the crowd laughed and cheered as last year's gloom was incinerated, wiping the slate clean for the year to come.

And here are some Aspens just beginning to change colors... 

Fireworks go off and the fire dancer dances in front of Zozobra. He's probably moaning a lot at this point. 

Neil and me with Zozobra in the background. 

Thought I should share some pictures from our Labor Day Weekend hike in the Santa Fe Mountains... Here's one of the forest floor. 

Oh, My Goodness ... Politics

Ok, so it's Saturday and I have spent the bulk of my day so far e-mailing friends about politics. I love politics, and I love political debate. I find great value in hearing other peoples' opinions and in expressing my own, as each time I make a political argument, it helps me to further clarify where I stand on issues. But right now I am exhausted.

I have one friend who was a liberal in every sense of the word, right down to vegetarianism and use of things like organic soap, who has now decided she supports Bush. We have lately been e-mailing each other articles we seem to think will convince the other person to switch sides... no luck so far. Then, I have two friends from other states who do my job for their states (we met at a conference) One of the friends thinks like I do and the other doesn't. They have consumed the bulk of my morning with witty political banter. Finally, I have a good friend who has found herself on the fence due to a lack of any good candidates but she is worried I might be mad or disapprove of her current political dilemma.

These three conversations probably caused me to write about 20 e-mails today alone about politics. While I am a little exhausted from it all... and I sometimes get frustrated when people don't see things the way I do, mostly, I am really thankful that I have such smart, inquisitive people in my life who can discuss politics in a civilized and intelligent way. And, I am invigorated by all of the great debate.

This morning’s manifesto – an incomplete, hastily typed out snippet of my politics:

I was just discussing this with a friend over dinner last night who said she doesn't like either candidate. While I don't think Kerry is the best thing ever, I do know a few things:
1) He will protect our environment more than the current administration
2) He will protect my rights as a woman
3) He won't make any federal laws outlawing equal rights for different groups (e.g. a law banning gay marriage)
4) He has good ideas about ways to improve both education and health care
So, in essence, Kerry is, or purports to be, the candidate who has my top priorities at heart and who thinks more like I do.

As for safety from terrorists, I am for it. I don't like terrorists. I don't want to be attacked. But, I have not seen, heard or read any compelling evidence that a Bush administration will do anything better than a Kerry administration in terms of protecting our nation. If we're going to be attacked, we'll be attacked. As for Iraq, I am not at all convinced that overthrowing Sadam made us any safer in terms of terrorists. In fact, it may have only increased the ire of people in that part of the world and inspired more people previously on the edge to lean toward fanaticism. I DO think that Sadam is evil and that eventually that country will be better off without him, but I am angry at the president and his team for misleading us and congress and our allies into starting that war and I strongly believe that our nations resources could have been better spent finishing what we started in Afghanistan and working on finding Osama Bin Laden and others like him who would do harm to our country.

Additionally, I think it's so sad that the U.S. went from being so well-loved internationally to having our athletes repeatedly booed at the Olympics last month and I believe that Kerry can help repair our international image... the stronger the international community, the better off we will be combating terrorism here and abroad.

Overly Ambitious

This past Labor Day weekend was a weekend of over-inflated ambition. Allow me to elaborate:

On Saturday, Neil and I went on an anniversary hike. Ever since we moved here almost two years ago I have been wanting to hike with him in the Santa Fe Mountains. So I decided I would pick a hike and we'd finally do it. We woke up early, drove to Santa Fe and dropped the dogs off at my parents' house. Then we drove another 30 minutes to the top of the ski basin where the trail started. Our goal: get to an alpine meadow called Puerto Nambe and have a picnic... then possibly continue another mile or so to Spirit Lake. The distance to the lake: 5 miles. The altitude: 10,300 feet to 11,070 feet. Heh. The twist: it was a rare cloudy and drizzly day in Santa Fe.

So, we started the hike which kicks off with half a mile of very steep switchbacks. With the higher altitude and the cold air, we were huffing and puffing after the first switchback. But we pressed on. The hike was actually beautiful. The rainy weather made it feel like we were someplace more tropical and something about the dim sunlight made all of the forest's greens look deeper and more lush. The aspens were just starting to change and had little spots of yellow in their otherwise green leaves. After the switchbacks, the hike evened out and was much more tolerable. We crossed at least three rivers. (I call them rivers; Neil -- the Portland native -- calls them streams or creeks. I say it all depends on your perspective.)Then when we thought we were in the thick of the mountains, we came across about seven cows that had clearly lost their way while grazing and somehow ended up nearly on top of a mountain. We had a standoff until Neil remembered that cows are generally terrified of humans and will just move when you walk toward them. We did and they cleared out and we laughed and took a picture -- cows in the mountains...

Finally, we got to the meadow which was huge and beautiful and brought back memories of my childhood when I camped there on a backpacking trip. But right as we sat down on a rock for a picnic it started pouring. Neil was wearing shorts and a t-shirt with his rain jacket and I wasn't doing much better in my thin pants and damp sweatshirt, so we started to be really cold and after scarfing our peanut butter sandwiches (mine had jelly, too) we quickly abandoned plans to go to the lake and headed back to the car. It rained nearly the entire way back and we were slightly miserable, especially since we really didn't get to rest at all before turning back. We got to the car about 4.5 hours after starting our journey and we had walked 8.5 miles and climbed about 750 feet. I definitely felt badass for making it...but we both agreed that it may have been smart to choose a slightly less serious hike for our pleasant anniversary celebration.

Sunday: The excess continues. After a fun time at the state fair where we saw baby goats and visited the petting zoo and almost bought another rabbit and ate some junk food and saw some junk-peddlers demonstrating things like salsa makers and magic mops, we went home and had a nap. When we woke up, we decided it was time to go to the grocery store and buy some green chile. It's chile season and most grocery stores are selling burlap sacks of chile and roasting it for free in the parking lot. A bag of chile only costs $9.99 and Neil and I decided we needed the large bag since the idea is to get all the chile you will need for the year, have it roasted, take it home, peel it and then freeze it for later use. So, we had the high school kid in the parking lot toss our chile into the big round roaster and watched as he fired it up and then turned the crank, rolling our chile around and around until it was scorched and smelled amazing. He threw it all into a big plastic garbage bag and we took it home in the back of the pickup truck. Then, we spent the next 3 and a half hours peeling and slicing the chile. It is not an easy process as some chiles are roasted better than others and the ones that are only partially roasted are nearly impossible to peel. You also have to be careful not to touch your eyes or nose or anything else sensitive while peeling because you will burn yourself. We peeled and peeled and the pile of chile in our sink didn't shrink until about midnight when we finally saw a glimpse of the sink's stainless steel at the bottom. By then our feet and backs hurt and our finger tips were burning like they were being held in flames. Around 12:30 we finished the job. I put all the freezer bags of chile in the bottom drawer of our freezer and we laughed hysterically because we probably have enough chile for three years. Neil remarked that he now understood why one woman in line for roasting only had a small plastic produce bag full of chile and the two of us went to sleep gripping ice packs in our hands to stop the burning.

On Monday, we continued our tradition. We went on a bike ride that was long but not too long but it involved a large hill-climb at the end and...we forgot our water bottles and it was hot. I was convinced I'd be walking up the big hill at the end, but other than about ten paces at the beginning when I was trying to get into my toe clips after getting off the bike at the stoplight, I made it up the whole hill... I was a bit slow, but I made it. And we got home and felt like we'd accomplished something.

I am not sure if there are any lessons to be learned from this weekend's excess... something like my eyes are bigger than my stomach or don't bite off more than I can chew.... but not related to eating??? Or maybe the real lesson is that I should continue to try to do things that are a little beyond what I think I can do because this weekend that strategy worked perfectly for me and Neil and I felt more alive than I have in quite a while.

This is the funniest picture taken of me this summer. I wanted to post it in my Blogger profile but cannot, for the life of me, figure out how to do that....Britten and I are jumping up and down because we were barefoot and the bricks on the ground were really hot. It's shortly before Rachel's wedding. 

Devil Duckies

I have five tiny little rubber duckies with horns on their heads lining the top of my flat screen monitor at work. They're called Devil Duckies... and they come in assorted colors. I have purple, red, blue, yellow and green. I gave orange to my dad because he likes ducks. I keep these little ducks in my office because they make me laugh and they're cute in that mischievous way that little evil things are....

Sometimes when we have important people come into the office, I take the ducks down just in case they might offend someone who is deeply religious... or something. But things with the duckies got a little more complicated when my co-worker’s children started visiting the office frequently and talking about religion...

Flash back to two weeks ago...My newest co-worker and I were working on a children's newsletter and she included an activity in the newsletter that gave instructions for making slime. We thought we should test them out to make sure they worked so she bought various supplies including Elmer's glue and laundry detergent and we prepared to make the concoction when, two of our other co-workers children showed up. They were just back from camp (church camp) and were very excited to help us make slime. We were thrilled to have real kids to test out our slime recipe and we started the project... Sometime toward the end of our slime-making experiment (it really worked, by the way) the little girl asked us if we were Christians.

Whenever this type of question is aimed directly at me I get very uncomfortable. I am not exactly sure why I feel ashamed to be Jewish, or that it is something to hide, but I do. I suppose I have had enough people look at me strangely or act uncomfortable upon receiving the news that I have learned not to volunteer the information. But what do you do when you are blatantly asked: Are you a Christian? So, I said no and told the kids that I am Jewish. You could see little gears churning in their heads and the little girl started talking about how Jesus was Jewish and so on. I had to explain that I believe in the Old Testament, not the new one. She said, "Well, I believe in the whole bible." Then she started saying things like, "I know another JEW. We live next to a JEW." Later, when I was back in my office feeling slightly uncomfortable by her unwitting prejudice, she came back in and invited me to her birthday party that weekend. "Let's see, there will be one other JEW there," she said, as if that was very important to me, as if I couldn't socialize with people who weren't Jewish. I knew that she didn't mean anything she was saying maliciously, but it didn't help make me any more comfortable with the way she kept screaming JEW when she was around me. I went home and told Neil about it and we both agreed that perhaps this experience with me would help my co-worker's daughter to be more understanding later in life.

Flash forward to this week when our office received another visit from the same kids. The little girl came straight into my office (home of the devil duckies) and started raiding my drawer. She had done this before and somehow talked me into giving her half of my pens so today I was prepared. She picked up a purple pen that I really like and I said, "That's my favorite pen," in an effort to deter her from asking for it.

"What? That's your HEBREW pen?" she said.

My stomach sank. "No, that's my favorite pen."

"Oh, I thought you said HEBREW pen."

Awkward pause.

Little girl: "Those ducks are evil!"

Me: mind racing. Oh no, now they are going to think all Jews are devil worshipers or something... Aaak what do I say... "Oh, no, they're not evil; they're just cute little mischievous ducks."

The older brother, who was also in my office, sort of looked at me sideways and left my office. The little girl stayed and asked if she could braid my hair. I said OK since it was the end of the work day. But instead of braiding my hair, she gave me two pig tails on the very top of my head. Some coworkers walked by and laughed and as soon as she left my office, I took them out and didn't think anything of it... but when I related the story to Neil he got a concerned look, "Jodi, she gave you horns."

I don't think the horn imagery was deliberate... but I do wonder if I have failed to do my part as one of two Jewish people this little girl knows. It is difficult to suddenly become the spokesperson for a religion you barely practice...a culture you know you're a part of, but would be hard-pressed to accurately explain. I am not qualified to be one of two Jewish people that little girl has met. I have devil duckies in my office. She probably thinks I am going to hell…and I keep wondering if I have failed her by not setting a better example.

Mid-Week Anniversary Rambling

It's my second anniversary today... (And Neil's too, of course). It feels strange that we've been married for two years already. I have no idea how that is possible... but here we are on Sept. 1 again, so it must be true.

Neil is, thank goodness, flying away from New York and the Republican Convention as I type...Interestingly; his journalistic non-partisan assessment of the RNC compared to the DNC is that the RNC was infinitely more lame. I, of course, was pleased to hear that. But it looks like Bush is still going to get the post-convention bounce in the polls... I have no idea what's going to happen in 62 days on Election Day, but it promises to be exciting.

Tonight we're going to eat sushi and then I might take Neil to see Garden State, my new favorite movie. I saw it last weekend with my mom and grandma and cousin Pam and we all loved it. Neil doesn't always love the same movies I do... in fact, he doesn't often love any movies, but I have a feeling he'll like this one... It is by far the best movie I have seen in a long long time...

I'm off to celebrate!

Because I Am Too Lazy To Type It All Out Again

Jodi says:
so i got woken up before 6 by the fire alarm beeping for low battery
and we just changed the battery last week
and neil's gone
and it was the alarm at the top of our living room ceiling...(very high)

Britten says:
ugh.
what did you do?
call your landlord? hee hee.

Jodi says:
and the dogs were shaking and whining... sensitive ears..

Jodi says:
yeah... i actually did and they were no help...
but i got the ladder out of the garage (heavy dirty icky)

Britten says:
did you get a ladder?

Britten says:
oh -- yeah.

Jodi says:
and took the battery out

Britten says:
fun

Jodi says:
and it kept beeping

Britten says:
yuck.

Britten says:
ARGH!

Jodi says:
and we didn't have any more batteries
and i was late for a staff meeting

Britten says:
oh my.
sounds like a not-so-fun morning.

Jodi says:
so i got the dogs, put them in their crate and put the crate in the closet and shut all three doors between the closet and the living room

Jodi says:
and shut boo boo's room

Britten says:
poor boo boo!

Jodi says:
and then went to work... and after my lunch meeting i went home and got the ladder out AGAIN

Britten says:
oh my

Jodi says:
and put a new battery in that i bought on my way home (even thought the previous battery had been new too)

Britten says:
geepers.

Jodi says:
so, please cross your fingers that it stops and I don't have to collect my pets and move to a hotel.

Britten says:
My fingers are crossed.

Jodi says:
oh, and because of all the chaos, i forgot to wear my wedding ring for the first time in two years!

Britten says:
ACK!

Jodi says:
and my watch and earrings
and i felt naked
and i didn't eat breakfast either

Jodi says:
it sucked SOOO much.

Britten says:
my goodness.

Jodi says:
i can't wait to start over tomorrow morning.

Far far away...

My little brother Dustin (who is actually quite a bit bigger than me at this stage in our lives, but used to be small -- see photo below) is flying away from me right now. He's somewhere on his way to Europe where he'll meet up with a group of college students and begin his nine-month adventure in Italy. I am really excited for him. But at the same time I'm a little sad that he's going to be so far away for so long.

I am not sure why it is better when he's in California at school. Maybe it's because I know he'll be coming home for holidays, or because I know it only takes a day or part of a day to get to him? And the time difference is only an hour instead of eight. There's something about the knowledge that if I really need to, I can get to him for a hug without major inconvenience and delay... because sometimes the best thing in the world is a hug from my little brother, or a shared laugh -- in person.

He was supposed to come by my house at 4:30 this morning to say goodbye, but was running late and called instead. I mumbled some incomprehensible stuff...the regular have fun, be safe, e-mail me as soon as you get there... and he said to have fun with my dogs and say bye to Neil and we hung up. I'm a little sad that I didn't get to see him -- get a few hugs to tide me over until next summer.

But mostly, I am thrilled about the experience he's going to have and the things he's going to learn. I am envious of him because I always wanted to study abroad and didn't because I was too afraid of missing out on something... and I admire him for taking the brave step and going.

So, I might worry a little. And I'll probably have a few times that I want to call him and can't because of the time difference and I'll certainly miss him a lot, but mostly, I am proud of him.

I always know this, but I suppose the reality of nine months without him just made me feel it more than usual: I have a really incredible little brother.

My brother and me a million years ago... 

Catching Up

The Big News of the day:

After weeks of worrying about my teeth and imagining that I had at least eight cavities and would be needing serious gum surgery, I went to the dentist today and not only was everyone there really nice (unlike previous dentists) but they also said I have great teeth with no cavities! Strange how a good dentist visit made me so elated...

Where I have been:

Portland.

We visited Neil's family and friends for nine days which was a bit too long. We had at least four different social engagements daily and came home thoroughly exhausted and it was a tough trip at times because we were spread so thin... but overall, it was successful. We saw at least 50 relatives and 20 friends (including three of my personal friends). We spent a day on the Oregon Coast with Neil's mom and Grandma and Aunt. We went to the COOLEST dog store ever www.lexidog.com. We spent six hours biking and kayaking with Neil's dad in a self-made biathlon (semi-torturous at the time, but rewarding in the end). And, we met Neil’s best friend's baby, possibly the cutest baby I've ever met.

We got home Sunday and my parents were at our house with our dogs, who we missed a ton. Apparently, the dogs had a great socialization experience while we were away. They bonded with my parents (mostly my mom) and then went to a kennel for five days where they charmed all the employees (and didn't bite anyone).

Last night was the much-anticipated Dave Matthews Band concert. My fan club membership got us sixth row seats and it was amazing. Also amazing is how little sleep I have had over the last 12 days. Oregon consisted of about 6 hours of sleep a night on an air mattress and since then, I have not been doing much better. I thought I was going to fall asleep while having my teeth cleaned. But the chalkboard-esque scraping ensured that I didn't.

The concert brought up those pesky feelings that I should quit my job and follow my every whim in an effort to live the most fulfilling/authentic/quality life I can. Something about being surrounded by and filled with really good live music makes me feel more alive than I do in my day to day life... Other things bring about this feeling too: using my body (the biking and kayaking biathlon for example) being in nature, being with friends and family, reading something really well-written and thought-provoking, writing something I feel proud of (most recently my John Kerry essay, even if NPR didn't want it), traveling, seeing new things, meeting new people...I think there are some more... but at the moment, the exhaustion is taking over.

I'm Alive

Just in case anyone was wondering...

The Touch

The following is an essay I wrote with the hopes of getting it on the radio...possibly as commentary on NPR's Morning edition. I submitted a shorter version to NPR and haven't heard anything back... so here it is in its entirety:

I am new to the role of political supporter. As a newspaper journalist, I met or was in the same room as many prominent politicians. I covered events with Bill and Hillary Clinton, Laura Bush and others and while I may have been more excited about reporting on certain events, I never let it show. Now that I no longer need to remain impartial and am free to support candidates of my choice, I have a little trouble getting into it. At rallies I can’t bring myself to cheer or even hold a sign up for very long. I remain uneasy about making political donations and posting political bumper stickers on my car. And so, when I waited outside a Catholic church in Albuquerque, New Mexico’s Old Town this Sunday and to catch a glimpse of Senator John Kerry, I really didn’t know what I was in for.

Supporters were cordoned off behind ropes across the street from the church, and as I stood in the crowd, I longed for a press pass and notebook so I could get a better seat and not have to be a part of this giddy group. Despite the oppressive heat, the Kerry supporters were oozing enthusiasm. Their dedication impressed me and I thought about how surreal it would be to emerge from mass to see a few hundred people who all wanted something from you – a smile, an autograph, a handshake.

As I stood there watching various gray-haired congregants exit the church, I wondered whether I might miss Senator Kerry. Maybe I wouldn’t recognize him. Or maybe he’d walk out and disappear before I could catch sight of him. But there was no missing the Senator. He emerged and the crowd started cheering, and even in person, he looked larger than life. The New Mexico sunshine was helping – casting perfect light down onto the candidate. It was the kind of lighting that makes everyone look great and he was basking in it as he walked across the street toward the crowd.

Senator Kerry works the crowd with both hands, his eyes, and his mouth. While he’s shaking with his right hand, he’s looking at someone else and talking to yet another person -- maximizing his impact on the crowd with the tools he has. Occasionally, his left hand reaches out as well, one more point of contact, one more way to please his public and possibly get some votes.

By the time he works his way down to our end of the street he’s sweating in the heat. His wife Teresa has stopped right in front of me and is talking with a family like she knows them. I overhear something about them having met in Arizona, business cards are exchanged and I unashamedly stare at the woman who could be the first lady. She is more beautiful in person than on television or in the various newspaper photographs I’ve seen.

Kerry is moving more slowly. As he gets closer, the crowd cheers louder. “Help is on the way! Help is on he way!” drowning out the handful of Bush supporters that have shown up and mixed in. I think about how at a Bush event in New Mexico, everyone attending has to sign a form saying they will vote for the president…so they probably don’t get many hecklers. And even though I don’t like what they’re saying, I’m glad the Bush supporters are here.

And then, Kerry is upon us. Despite protests from my intellect, my body kicks into adrenaline mode and I start panicking about what I’ll say if I get to shake his hand. I wipe my palm on my jeans to make sure it’s dry. And laugh at myself. I had been wondering why all these people wanted so badly to touch this man. But now as he is a few paces away, it becomes clear to me. Or at least as clear as it can be. I want to touch him for so many reasons: I want to wish him luck; I want to be able to tell my grandchildren someday that I shook hands with the president on a campaign stop in Albuquerque; and then on some other much more basic level, I want a piece of him, a moment of his attention. I want to have a few seconds in time that I share with this man who is carrying the hopes and dreams of so many – including myself – on his shoulders.

I take a deep breath, stick out my hand and make contact. He grasps my hand in less of a handshake and more of a thumb war grip, or the first in a series of short grips and touches making up a secret handshake.

“I really hope you win,” I say loudly, but probably not quite loud enough. I’m looking at him, but even though I’ve got his hand, his eyes have already moved on down the line. “Thank you!” he says, but he probably wasn’t talking to me, so I stop looking at his face, shift my eyes to his hand locked with mine and let go.