Introspection

After staying home all day yesterday nursing a horrible headache (which felt like a little man was in my head trying to poke my eyes out from the back) I went back to work today.

It's always when I am not feeling quite myself that I become the most introspective. Not sure why this is... maybe because I have too much time to think when I am hiding my head under the covers to avoid the light and subsequent pain caused by it?

In any case, yesterday I was thinking about high school. Specifically, I was thinking about how I used to be kind of a bad ass. Maybe not everyone I knew at the time saw me that way, but that was how I saw myself. I was just the right mix of goody goody high school student and the skanky cigarette smoker you might find in the high school bathroom.

I liked boys who wore leather and had piercings and I preferred that these boys have bleached blonde hair. They needed to ride a skateboard, motorcycle or drive their car excessively fast. Most of these boys were smart, but just didn't act smart all the time. (A tricky distinction.)

I liked to leave my house and go hang out at places that felt dangerous. I probably didn't think of it that way at the time, but we had parties in the woods and parties at places where nobody over the age of 16 and a half was home. Then we all drove home in the middle of the night. I liked to go to concerts at this alternative performance space. To get in you had to walk through a fog of pot smoke and cigarettes. I liked it that I knew people at places like that. I had a boyfriend who used to sneak in my window at night. And even thought I didn’t like cigarettes, I liked it that I knew how to smoke them and I liked to show off my skills at parties.

I really liked breaking the rules and getting away with it. (But not rules that would hurt other people.)Perhaps it was that whole "invincible youth" thing I was feeling. I thought less about consequences and more about the moment. I wanted to have adventures, to feel music, to be free, to be loved, to always be with my friends.

Things are different now. It has been about nine years since I was suffering from senioritis and while I am still me, I am a lot different.

I am a tamer version of my former self. I think I am still striving for the same things, to have adventures, to feel music, to be free, to be loved, to always be with my friends. But I am not wild anymore and I'm wondering; was that slightly crazy girl in high school the imposter? Or am I?

Did I sell out because I got married and moved to a neighborhood with matching houses? Or because I took a job that's good -- but not my dream job. Or because I don't like to go out drinking and can't stand to be around smoke? I can't remember the last time I broke a rule or law (unless you count speeding, but I got caught and had to go to driving school). But maybe the biggest change is that I don't crave the danger that I used to -- at least not on that uncontrollable visceral level. Sometimes I think it would be fun, to go back out to the edge and feel that kind of alive that I used to feel, but I can always reason myself out of this.

What I really think is that this means I am older. I am not that bad ass anymore, but I'm sure it's still in me. Maybe you can only feel that intoxicated with your own youth for a short time -- there is a window of time during which you can take advantage of it. If that is the case, I am grateful that I saw the opening and seized it. Sure, I did some stupid things, we all did, but I lived to tell about it and I have those experiences to keep. Now, I get to discover new and better ways to be alive.