I have had too much sun. If this happened at the beginning of the summer when I was over eager to go out and soak up the rays after a long cold winter, I would not be so angry at myself, but it happened only a week after my fiance forgot to put sunscreen on the bottom half of his leg and got a second degree burn on his ankle and lower calf. It happened the day after we went to the mall where I forced him to buy new lightweight pants to wear instead of shorts since the doctor said he shouldn't have any sun for three weeks. That's right, this sunburn was so bad that he went to a doctor. (where they prescribed him an anti-inflammatory -- good and Vicaden -- bad. We did not fill the prescription for four days worth of the ADDICTIVE pain-killer that the doctor prescribed for a SUNBURN. This is the same family physician who tried to get Neil to take Zoloft, an anxiety drug, after asking him a million questions about anxiety disorders even though Neil didn't think he needed such drugs nor did he think he had any anxiety issues.) Anyway, the sun. I live in the desert. I should know about the sun. But today, instead of sunscreen, I put on a hat and then stood outside for three hours playing basketball, mini golf and riding on bumper boats... all fun activities... Now my cheeks are hot and burning and I have a farmer tan on my arms (which will look incredible with my HALTER wedding dress) and I am shivering and feel exhausted because that is what sun does to me... Needless to say, I am feeling particularity brilliant this evening.

to make matters worse, I have way too much to accomplish in the next 48 hours... So much that I don't even want to list it for fear that just making the list will cause mental breakdown. And... Andy didn't get the job that I so wanted him to get.

I didn't get out of bed until 11:21. This is a completely despicable act from my point of view. There was no way I needed nearly 11 hours of sleep last night. But I didn't set an alarm and so had no clue that I was sleeping through the morning. Lately, Neil and I have been waking up early and going to the gym and then coming home and having time to do things. When I wake up early I rarely feel pressured or guilty. Right now I feel guilty and stressed because not enough of my writing is done and I don't feel like writing but I only have about five hours until the day is over and I did this to myself... What a waste of a Wednesday.

Last night Neil and I went to our third dance lesson where we danced the fox trot to several versions of the song we will play for our first dance and then we danced swing to Michael Jackson. As I was repeating "slow slow quick quick" in my head, I couldn't help but think about Jackson and how completely insane he is... But when we dance, I always have so much fun. We came home feeling exhilarated with tired legs and I don't know what could be a better feeling than that...

I am tired. I have been waking up every day before seven to either work or workout and have been enjoying the mornings when I do not work because I get to accomplish so many things before noon... However, despite all these accomplishments, I still have done nothing to further my school work. I have been reading magazines instead of books, making wedding phone calls instead of writing. Now I have exactly two weeks until the packet must be mailed to my professor and I am nowhere close to even starting... Being a procrastinator (while it is sometimes enjoyable) is not fun right now at all.

my wedding is in a month and two weeks...about. And that is unbelievable. Recently I have spent an unnecessarily large amount of time checking our online registries to see what presents people are getting us. It is exciting. It's like I was allowed to go on a shopping spree... I picked out everything I wanted and now people are giving it to me... What a feeling... Meanwhile, as people purchase us expensive blenders and sheet sets, we are broke. The bookstore has been cutting back hours and I haven't been complaining because the less time spent there the better, but it leaves me with very small paychecks. Money is the biggest source of stress... money and school. I was reading my friend's blog today and he wrote about how well he avoids writing even though that is what he likes to do. It made me feel better not to be alone.

Caves and the Fourth of July

On June 30, our one year anniversary of our engagement, Neil and I went to Carlsbad caverns in southern new Mexico and walked down a path into one of the world's largest underground caves. We walked down a steep hill and into the mouth of the cave where we could smell bat guano and the 100+ degree temperature dropped as we descended until it was about 54 degrees. I had been to Carlsbad before and been in the same cave when I was ten or eleven, but I didn't appreciate it then the way I do now. It is incredible. It has taken hundreds of thousands of years for all of the mineral formations in the cave to form and scientists are finding possible cures to cancer in some of the bacteria that lives only in pools of water found in the caves. Despite the fact that Neil took us the wrong way and we got there two hours later than planned, it was a great day and a perfect way to celebrate our engagement. Nothing like a good adventure.

For the fourth, we went home to see my family and celebrate my grandma's 80th birthday. I can't believe she is 80. Age sneaks up on us. I have been wanting to be older most of my life...I wanted to be 10 so I could have a double-digit age... I wanted to be 12 so I could have my bat mitzvah, 15 so I could drive, 17 so I could go to rated r movies, 18 so I could gamble and get credit cards and vote, 21 so I could drink. And all this time I have been willing time forward...closer to the end of my life and my parents and grandparents' lives. And I never realized it before.
for my grandma's birthday...we ate. And I saw my brother and parents and in sum, it was good. I love my family and feel lucky when I get to be with them...
in a hurry... gotta post this now.

hmm... I suppose I should only write something here if I have something to say and today, I am not sure I do. Had to wake up at 6:30 for the second day in a row to get to work at the bookstore by 7 a.m. both mornings I arrived almost on time only to be locked out with a couple other poor fools who showed up on time... The managers were both at least 15 minutes late. This morning, I got to put new cookbooks on the shelves which was fun because I got to see all the incredible meals I could make and eat if I bought the books. But then I remembered my weight loss effort and it got a little depressing...
this afternoon, once I escaped work, I played tennis with Neil. It was like 3:30 and must have been over 100 degrees. We played for a good 30 minutes before there was too much sweat dripping down my forehead for me to continue. My face was deep cherry red for a good hour after we came inside too. Neil was worried about me. I told him I think that's just what happens to me when I get really really hot... I don't really handle heat well at all.
tomorrow is the one year anniversary of my engagement to Neil...We are trying to come up with something cool to do to mark the day. I am amazed that it's been a year already.

Well, if I intended to make a regular thing out of this blog stuff, I was not successful. It seems that once my job ended and I didn't have to sit in front of a computer all day, I just didn't. I sat down at night to write for school and avoided this machine like the plague the rest of the time. Now I work at Barnes and noble which has been an incredibly humbling experience, but at least the people are nice... Actually I have met more intelligent people at the bookstore than at my previous job. But there is nothing like the way customers look at cashiers to make you feel small. I want to tell them that I have a degree from a good university and am working toward a masters and that they should stop judging people...But usually I just smile and ask if they'd like a bag for their books.

tonight it rained incredibly hard and despite the day's earlier temperature of over 100, for a while it hailed here. Huge hail that melted almost instantly once it hit the pavement. The streets were flooded and I loved it. After dinner it smelled like wet dirt and gardenias, that damp earth smell that I have always loved and is all too rare here. I feel refreshed.

One day and seven hours left. I think I am going to make it. My desk is nearly completely cleaned off and I do not feel sad at all. It is actually refreshing. I would be on top of the world right now if it weren't for the fact that I have a packet due for school and it has to be in NYC on Feb 1 -- this Friday. I have been working on it and trying to make it good, but everything I write comes out stilted and just bad. It is so frustrating. Now I only have tonight, tomorrow night and all day Wednesday to make something redeeming come out of my brain and onto the page. I feel like I need to go to some spa someplace and get a spiritual deep cleaning. I am so stuck in this newspaper mindframe and everything I write comes out clipped and shallow. I have all these interesting ideas and for some reason, I am no longer capable of writing them down. Maybe I am thinking about too many things I am supposed to do in my writing... Maybe I am too concerned about impressing my professor? I don't know. I am sure that by Thursday morning, I will take something to the post office and mail it to my prof in NY. I just hope that it will have some redeeming qualities. I need inspiration.

Here I am, posting for the second time... maybe this will become a habit after all. So, I have 6.5 more days of work before freedom. I am looking forward to spending my days reading and writing for grad. school and not being stressed out and overworked. I am already envisioning a routine where I wake up each morning and go to the gym (something I haven't done in months) then come home to write all morning for school and read all afternoon. Maybe in the evening I will cook dinner for my fiance...maybe not. But the point is, I can if i want to. I'll also be looking for a part-time job to help out with rent, but 15 hours a week will seem like nothing compared to the 40+ I have been working....

This is very strange. I am writing a journal to nobody or everybody and putting it online so that any random human can stumble upon it. This is not something I ever imagined I would do...but here I am. I quit my job and my friend Andy talked me into chronicling my post-job adventures... I am still working, however, so I do not have any adventures yet -- unless you count my trip into my boss's office on Tuesday morning with three signed copies of my resignation letter an adventure. That was probably one of the most terrifying moments of my life. When I realized how frightened I was to leave this job that I was not enjoying, I knew that what I was doing was a good idea. Why on earth did I let myself get so trapped and become so unhappy? I guess it's like being in a bad relationship...you have to do it, have to go through that kind of misery so that you know what to avoid in the future.

My last day is the 29th. I can't wait.