Absent
I've been quiet lately. No real reason. Maybe a combination of things, including, being really busy and being a little sad. Sometimes things go on in life that are too much of a bummer to write a blog post about. I guess that's what's been going on lately...
Last night I had a work event that I helped plan and the governor showed up. He had been on the front page of the paper that morning the headline was something like, "Report: Governor Will Run For President". When he arrived at the event, the band I hired played "Hail to the Chief" which was hilarious, but could have really pissed the governor off. Thank goodness it didn't.
The gov. gave a nice speech about my industry and the people I work with and then headed out. But not before meeting me and making some silly jokes at Neil's expense. He was nice and funny and much less bossy and uncivilized than I had heard he can be. I figure a few more friendly encounters and he'll be ready to hire me to help run his presidential campaign.
Fact: Despite all the rumors and accusations of bullying, if offered the chance to work for the governor of my home state, I would jump at it. Why? Because it would be good experience, a great change, probably higher pay than I receive right now, he's a democrat and usually stands for things I can get behind, and his bossy ways are part of politics. So, Mr. Governor, sign me up.
In the meantime, I am happily getting a good amount of praise for the success of last night's event. Whewh.
Neil and I are going to a fondu place for dessert on Friday night in celebration of Valentine's Day. I'm looking forward to that and to a quiet weekend during which I hope to get our house clean (at last), see Million Dollar Baby and relax until I am too bored to relax anymore.
Only two more days to go...
Wednesday, February 09, 2005
Thursday, February 03, 2005
Three Cheers for Booing
The State of the Union last night made me want to vomit. The problem with George W. is that he has speech writers who help him sound smart and sound like you should agree with him, when, if you know anything about anything, you know that he's full of crap.
I couldn't believe that he mentioned his "Clear Skies" initiative and said how much it would help when there has been so much published about how it will actually weaken regulations protecting our environment. And I was really pissed when he had that nice Iraqi voter there to tug on my heart strings. I am glad she got to vote and that she has blue ink on her finger, but I do not think it was my country's job to make it so she could vote nor do I appreciate being manipulated like that.
I am so happy that the Democrats booed W. while he spoke about Social Security and his view that it is doomed for bankruptcy. (I have to admit that the booing took place during a 20-minute hiatus during which I turned the TV off in disgust until Neil came home and made me turn it on again.) I am sorry that I missed the booing...apparently it was the first time in modern history that such displeasure was expressed during a president's State of the Union address... normally, they all just clap like puppets until it's over.
I am really trying not to, but it's very very tempting to tune out politics all together right now. It's all so disheartening. I have to remember that it's important to know my enemy and I need to stay engaged, even if it seems hopeless...
The State of the Union last night made me want to vomit. The problem with George W. is that he has speech writers who help him sound smart and sound like you should agree with him, when, if you know anything about anything, you know that he's full of crap.
I couldn't believe that he mentioned his "Clear Skies" initiative and said how much it would help when there has been so much published about how it will actually weaken regulations protecting our environment. And I was really pissed when he had that nice Iraqi voter there to tug on my heart strings. I am glad she got to vote and that she has blue ink on her finger, but I do not think it was my country's job to make it so she could vote nor do I appreciate being manipulated like that.
I am so happy that the Democrats booed W. while he spoke about Social Security and his view that it is doomed for bankruptcy. (I have to admit that the booing took place during a 20-minute hiatus during which I turned the TV off in disgust until Neil came home and made me turn it on again.) I am sorry that I missed the booing...apparently it was the first time in modern history that such displeasure was expressed during a president's State of the Union address... normally, they all just clap like puppets until it's over.
I am really trying not to, but it's very very tempting to tune out politics all together right now. It's all so disheartening. I have to remember that it's important to know my enemy and I need to stay engaged, even if it seems hopeless...
Wednesday, February 02, 2005
Jell-O Pudding Pops
Oooh, it's February. Neil and I have been married for two years and five months as of yesterday. And today, that little groundhog popped out of his hole and saw his shadow. But perhaps most importantly, today is the day that I typed "Jell-O Pudding Pop" into Google and learned that my beloved popsicles are being made again!!!! In fact, I can buy them right here in my own city at any Albertson's.
This may seem trivial, insignificant and even ridiculous... but this is a BIG deal. My whole childhood, I got to eat a pudding pop every time I went to my grandma and grandpa's house. My grandpa would buy them two or three boxes at a time and their freezer was always full of them. I used to watch Bill Cosby on TV in his bad sweaters surrounded by little kids as he peddled the popsicles and I felt very cool, because I was in on the Jell-O Pudding Pop craze's gound floor. I had been eating them from the beginning.
In 1996, I went to college and my grandpa died that fall. I miss him all the time. A couple of years ago, I thought about Jell-O Pudding Pops. I don't know how I had forgotten about them, or when I ate my last one. Somehow they just disappeared from my life without me noticing. But when I remembered them, I went searching, thinking that eating one might bring my Grandpa back for a minute or two. No luck, they had gone out of production.
But, apparently, other people were craving a pudding pop too and they have been brought back! So, in honor of my grandpa, and my years-long craving, I am going to get to an Albertson's ASAP and get myself a box of frozen pudding-ey goodness.
Oooh, it's February. Neil and I have been married for two years and five months as of yesterday. And today, that little groundhog popped out of his hole and saw his shadow. But perhaps most importantly, today is the day that I typed "Jell-O Pudding Pop" into Google and learned that my beloved popsicles are being made again!!!! In fact, I can buy them right here in my own city at any Albertson's.
This may seem trivial, insignificant and even ridiculous... but this is a BIG deal. My whole childhood, I got to eat a pudding pop every time I went to my grandma and grandpa's house. My grandpa would buy them two or three boxes at a time and their freezer was always full of them. I used to watch Bill Cosby on TV in his bad sweaters surrounded by little kids as he peddled the popsicles and I felt very cool, because I was in on the Jell-O Pudding Pop craze's gound floor. I had been eating them from the beginning.
In 1996, I went to college and my grandpa died that fall. I miss him all the time. A couple of years ago, I thought about Jell-O Pudding Pops. I don't know how I had forgotten about them, or when I ate my last one. Somehow they just disappeared from my life without me noticing. But when I remembered them, I went searching, thinking that eating one might bring my Grandpa back for a minute or two. No luck, they had gone out of production.
But, apparently, other people were craving a pudding pop too and they have been brought back! So, in honor of my grandpa, and my years-long craving, I am going to get to an Albertson's ASAP and get myself a box of frozen pudding-ey goodness.
Friday, January 28, 2005
The End of The Week
Some thoughts for the end of the week...
1) When the sun came out yesterday, the mountains were covered in snow and it was beautiful.
2) Every day on the way to work, I pass a field. It is right next to this 6-lane monstrosity of a road, but for some reason, cranes choose to hang out on the field all winter. This morning I saw a few silhouetted in the morning sun. They are completely graceful and unaware of the craziness surrounding them, the people racing down the road to get to their offices...those like me who are late, taping their fingers on the steering wheel. This morning, I decided that the cranes are a gift and a reminder that it's ok to slow down -- or something like that. In any case, this morning's cranes helped me take a deep breath and appreciate my life.
3) New music can often make me feel better than a new outfit or eating really good food...Even though I shouldn't have, I bought the new Ani Difranco CD yesterday. So far it's great. One song even gave me the chills. Unlike movies or books, songs and poems deliver the emotional payoff in a smaller package. So instead of waiting for an hour and a half for the kiss at the end of the romantic comedy, I can read a poem, or listen to a song and get to the emotional truth of it within minutes. There's something really simple about that -- like having a shot of culture/art/human experience... instead of having a beer.
4) There are so many things to be afraid of in life and I am working on limiting my fears. Wouldn't it be amazing if no one was limited by financial fears, for instance? I am realizing that I am really terrified of money and I don't like that about myself. I will see what can be done about it, short of winning the lottery.
Some thoughts for the end of the week...
1) When the sun came out yesterday, the mountains were covered in snow and it was beautiful.
2) Every day on the way to work, I pass a field. It is right next to this 6-lane monstrosity of a road, but for some reason, cranes choose to hang out on the field all winter. This morning I saw a few silhouetted in the morning sun. They are completely graceful and unaware of the craziness surrounding them, the people racing down the road to get to their offices...those like me who are late, taping their fingers on the steering wheel. This morning, I decided that the cranes are a gift and a reminder that it's ok to slow down -- or something like that. In any case, this morning's cranes helped me take a deep breath and appreciate my life.
3) New music can often make me feel better than a new outfit or eating really good food...Even though I shouldn't have, I bought the new Ani Difranco CD yesterday. So far it's great. One song even gave me the chills. Unlike movies or books, songs and poems deliver the emotional payoff in a smaller package. So instead of waiting for an hour and a half for the kiss at the end of the romantic comedy, I can read a poem, or listen to a song and get to the emotional truth of it within minutes. There's something really simple about that -- like having a shot of culture/art/human experience... instead of having a beer.
4) There are so many things to be afraid of in life and I am working on limiting my fears. Wouldn't it be amazing if no one was limited by financial fears, for instance? I am realizing that I am really terrified of money and I don't like that about myself. I will see what can be done about it, short of winning the lottery.
Thursday, January 27, 2005
Rainy Day
I really don't like rainy days. I think it's probably due to the fact that I grew up in a sunny climate ...or maybe it has something to do with genetics, since I know my dad doesn't like them either... but my mom loves rainy days...who knows? Whatever the reason, when I wake up to grey skies and drizzly weather, I always feel like I should just go back to bed. Most days like this, I make a big effort to rally. After all, I have things to do, a life to live, I can't let the lack of sunshine stop me in my tracks.
So, this morning, I crawled out of bed only about 8 minutes later than usual and I got ready for the day, despite the rain that was falling steadily on my roof. Having dogs has made rainy days even more complicated than they used to be. Barbie and Wiley are prissy. They don't like water to fall on their heads from the sky and refuse to go outside when it's raining. This presents a problem when they have to use the restroom... since, the restroom is outside. Neil and I have taken to following the dogs around the backyard with umbrellas when it's raining in order to prevent accidents on our carpet. Not fun. So this morning, we were both traipsing around the wet yard with Barbie and I (of course) stepped in poop. Soggy wet poop, thanks a lot rain. After cleaning my boot off, I left for work.
The dog debacle caused me to leave late. Then our neighborhood is blocked off because of construction and we're forced to take a detour out which adds about 8 minutes to the commute. I went through the detour and ended up in a mess of traffic. It normally takes me only 14 minutes to get to work from my house. Today, it took 56 minutes because people in New Mexico have no clue how to drive when the roads are wet. Oh the wonders of rain.
For lunch, I had to go home to let the dogs out... but despite my valiant efforts with the umbrella, they weren't having any of it and I had to put them back in their crate without a successful bathroom break. Now, I get to look forward to going home tonight to find pee on their crate blanket.
Now, I am back at my desk, it's almost 6 and wel past time to go home and I am so cranky! At least I am willing to own my crankiness. I just hope for my sake, and the sake of everyone around me, that tomorrow is sunny and dry.
I really don't like rainy days. I think it's probably due to the fact that I grew up in a sunny climate ...or maybe it has something to do with genetics, since I know my dad doesn't like them either... but my mom loves rainy days...who knows? Whatever the reason, when I wake up to grey skies and drizzly weather, I always feel like I should just go back to bed. Most days like this, I make a big effort to rally. After all, I have things to do, a life to live, I can't let the lack of sunshine stop me in my tracks.
So, this morning, I crawled out of bed only about 8 minutes later than usual and I got ready for the day, despite the rain that was falling steadily on my roof. Having dogs has made rainy days even more complicated than they used to be. Barbie and Wiley are prissy. They don't like water to fall on their heads from the sky and refuse to go outside when it's raining. This presents a problem when they have to use the restroom... since, the restroom is outside. Neil and I have taken to following the dogs around the backyard with umbrellas when it's raining in order to prevent accidents on our carpet. Not fun. So this morning, we were both traipsing around the wet yard with Barbie and I (of course) stepped in poop. Soggy wet poop, thanks a lot rain. After cleaning my boot off, I left for work.
The dog debacle caused me to leave late. Then our neighborhood is blocked off because of construction and we're forced to take a detour out which adds about 8 minutes to the commute. I went through the detour and ended up in a mess of traffic. It normally takes me only 14 minutes to get to work from my house. Today, it took 56 minutes because people in New Mexico have no clue how to drive when the roads are wet. Oh the wonders of rain.
For lunch, I had to go home to let the dogs out... but despite my valiant efforts with the umbrella, they weren't having any of it and I had to put them back in their crate without a successful bathroom break. Now, I get to look forward to going home tonight to find pee on their crate blanket.
Now, I am back at my desk, it's almost 6 and wel past time to go home and I am so cranky! At least I am willing to own my crankiness. I just hope for my sake, and the sake of everyone around me, that tomorrow is sunny and dry.
Wednesday, January 19, 2005
That Sneezing Girl
Flashback to last night. At around
I suppose it was the smile? Because I really looked terrible. I had been sweating for 40 minutes, my skin was totally broken out and I had sloppy pig tails in my hair... But as I pushed the door open to the outside, the nice guy who said "Bless you" said to his friend, "There's that sneezing girl. She's really cute."
It took me a moment to process what was happening. But then it dawned on me... I was being hit on. I looked back and smiled, not wanting to be impolite, and then picked up my walking pace down the front steps of the gym and toward my car. The guy followed me and made some other comment about how cold it was and how I shouldn't sneeze... (He was clearly running out of material) I panicked and raced to my car, got in and drove away. I have no idea how old the guy was. He could have been 18... or 22? Maybe he was my age? Not a clue.
Interestingly, I had no idea what to do when he started hitting on me. I can't remember the last time a stranger did that to me. I was thinking that it was because I am older and married and so on... but now I think it might be because I don't put myself in situations where I could be hit on anymore. I rarely go to bars and if I do, I am with Neil. I mainly do things like go to the zoo and to dinner, almost always with Neil. When I am not with him, I go to the gym, the grocery store and work. Not prime locations for being hit on.
Anyway, because of my lack of recent being hit on experience, I totally freaked out and ran away from the guy. I do feel kind of bad about that. But what could I have said? “I am very flattered that you think I am cute, but I’m married.” At the time, running seemed to be the better option.
However, I did get in my car and smile to myself. No matter where you are in life, flattery always feels good. Like being complimented on a new outfit, or my curly hair, having a random guy at the gym think I am cute made me feel good. I know Neil thinks I am cute and that is a different kind of wonderful…that going through life, knowing every day that there is one person out there who thinks I am beautiful… But I am all about the occasional flattery from strangers too. So whoever that guy was last night…thanks for reminding me to feel good about myself -- even when I am a sweaty, sneezy mess.
Tuesday, January 11, 2005
I'm a Joiner But I Don't Think I Have a Secret Life
I'm late, I know, but last night (thanks to my friend Sean's diligent recording) I became a "Desperate Housewives" devotee. I am not sure how I managed to not see the show for so many weeks. Maybe it was because my birthday launched me into weeks of watching Angel DVDs instead of current TV? Who knows. In any case, I was such a fool not to be tuning in. This show is the perfect combination of trash and class and I can't get enough. Thank goodness there's good TV to provide an escape from everyday life.
Today, I read an article in the New York Times about how people are predisposed to having secret lives. I think you're more likely to have a secret life if you are plagued by mental anguish, but it's fairly normal. Not everyone has a secret life of drug addiction and prostitution, some just have secret credit card bills or take secret ballet lessons, but still, this secret life stuff is a little disturbing to me. Should I have one of these secret lives? Why are humans so compelled to keep things from each other? Is this a statement about marriage since most of these secrets really affect the spouse of the person more than anyone else?
The following quote is also interesting to me: "In a very deep sense, you don't have a self unless you have a secret, and we all have moments throughout our lives when we feel we're losing ourselves in our social group, or work or marriage, and it feels good to grab for a secret, or some subterfuge, to reassert our identity as somebody apart," said Dr. Daniel M. Wegner, a professor of psychology at Harvard.
OK. I am all for reasserting identity as somebody apart. That's why Neil and I don't do absolutely everything together. We do our own things, have our own lives, but not SECRET lives. I don't know if I like Dr. Wegner. What's up with him saying that unless I am keeping some secret from my loved ones, I don't have a self? Or am I keeping secrets? Is it possible that I have secrets that I don't even realize are secrets?
The characters on Desperate Housewives fit the secret life mold. I don't think there is one who is not concealing something. In that sense, I suppose we all keep certain things from certain people, but I am not yet convinced that we need secrets to define us, to make us feel whole, to give us a sense of self.
Note to self: Stop reading psychology articles in the New York Times.
I'm late, I know, but last night (thanks to my friend Sean's diligent recording) I became a "Desperate Housewives" devotee. I am not sure how I managed to not see the show for so many weeks. Maybe it was because my birthday launched me into weeks of watching Angel DVDs instead of current TV? Who knows. In any case, I was such a fool not to be tuning in. This show is the perfect combination of trash and class and I can't get enough. Thank goodness there's good TV to provide an escape from everyday life.
Today, I read an article in the New York Times about how people are predisposed to having secret lives. I think you're more likely to have a secret life if you are plagued by mental anguish, but it's fairly normal. Not everyone has a secret life of drug addiction and prostitution, some just have secret credit card bills or take secret ballet lessons, but still, this secret life stuff is a little disturbing to me. Should I have one of these secret lives? Why are humans so compelled to keep things from each other? Is this a statement about marriage since most of these secrets really affect the spouse of the person more than anyone else?
The following quote is also interesting to me: "In a very deep sense, you don't have a self unless you have a secret, and we all have moments throughout our lives when we feel we're losing ourselves in our social group, or work or marriage, and it feels good to grab for a secret, or some subterfuge, to reassert our identity as somebody apart," said Dr. Daniel M. Wegner, a professor of psychology at Harvard.
OK. I am all for reasserting identity as somebody apart. That's why Neil and I don't do absolutely everything together. We do our own things, have our own lives, but not SECRET lives. I don't know if I like Dr. Wegner. What's up with him saying that unless I am keeping some secret from my loved ones, I don't have a self? Or am I keeping secrets? Is it possible that I have secrets that I don't even realize are secrets?
The characters on Desperate Housewives fit the secret life mold. I don't think there is one who is not concealing something. In that sense, I suppose we all keep certain things from certain people, but I am not yet convinced that we need secrets to define us, to make us feel whole, to give us a sense of self.
Note to self: Stop reading psychology articles in the New York Times.
Wednesday, January 05, 2005
What if...?
I have been thinking...If I just took a bunch of candy from the lame vending box that some clever entrepreneur installed in the kitchen at my office and I didn't pay for it, would the vending box man eventually take it away? I realize that this would be stealing, but I figure the man has it coming. He planted this box full of candy and salty goodness at my office, formerly a completely healthy place with only coffee and half and half. Now I am addicted to the late afternoon sugar rush and it's all his fault.
All my coworkers were less than thrilled about the box when it arrived, but now on refill days I see people sneak off to grab their favorites and stash them in their desk drawers until needed. We're all addicted. It's like crack, only it makes us fat and its legal.
Something must be done...
I have been thinking...If I just took a bunch of candy from the lame vending box that some clever entrepreneur installed in the kitchen at my office and I didn't pay for it, would the vending box man eventually take it away? I realize that this would be stealing, but I figure the man has it coming. He planted this box full of candy and salty goodness at my office, formerly a completely healthy place with only coffee and half and half. Now I am addicted to the late afternoon sugar rush and it's all his fault.
All my coworkers were less than thrilled about the box when it arrived, but now on refill days I see people sneak off to grab their favorites and stash them in their desk drawers until needed. We're all addicted. It's like crack, only it makes us fat and its legal.
Something must be done...
Friday, December 31, 2004
Goodbye 2004
Here we are.. another New Year's Eve. It doesn't feel like too long ago that I was reflecting on 2003. I have gotten to that point in my life where years are no longer a long, interminable series of seasons. In fact, they are now going by so quickly that they're running together. What happened this year?
We rang in the year with friends at our house and plentiful champagne. Neil learned how to do "the butt" that night under the expert tutelage of Topher and Chris. (O.K. that does seem like a long time ago.)
We visited Dustin in Chico and played lots of disc golf. We threw a party for my mom's 50th birthday. We adopted our dogs. Barbie got lost and found. Rachel and Brian got married. Jenn and Bill got married. Neil and I both turned 26. We went to Portland. Howard Dean screamed. I went to D.C. twice and Neil traveled to both political conventions. I won some awards at work. I got a laptop and an iPod. :) Dustin went to Italy. My family fell apart and began to be rebuilt.
I'm sure there's more...Janet Jackson had a wardrobe malfunction, the Red Sox won the World Series, people rioted at a Piston's and Pacer's game, Bush won the White House, Martha went to prison, Scott Peterson was convicted...More than 150,000 people died in the tsunamis.
Overall, I liked 2004. It was a year of great personal growth and some hardship, but -- as usual -- I am better for it.
In 2005, I hope to be stronger in all ways. I hope to be less prone to procrastination and less likely to give in to temptation.
Tonight we're headed out with Chris and Sarah for the 2nd annual Thai food dinner. Later, we're going to a wine bar with our new friends Brian and Kelly. And tomorrow, the slate will be blank again and the world will have another chance for a fresh start. I will definitely be taking advantage of that chance.
Happy 2005!
Here we are.. another New Year's Eve. It doesn't feel like too long ago that I was reflecting on 2003. I have gotten to that point in my life where years are no longer a long, interminable series of seasons. In fact, they are now going by so quickly that they're running together. What happened this year?
We rang in the year with friends at our house and plentiful champagne. Neil learned how to do "the butt" that night under the expert tutelage of Topher and Chris. (O.K. that does seem like a long time ago.)
We visited Dustin in Chico and played lots of disc golf. We threw a party for my mom's 50th birthday. We adopted our dogs. Barbie got lost and found. Rachel and Brian got married. Jenn and Bill got married. Neil and I both turned 26. We went to Portland. Howard Dean screamed. I went to D.C. twice and Neil traveled to both political conventions. I won some awards at work. I got a laptop and an iPod. :) Dustin went to Italy. My family fell apart and began to be rebuilt.
I'm sure there's more...Janet Jackson had a wardrobe malfunction, the Red Sox won the World Series, people rioted at a Piston's and Pacer's game, Bush won the White House, Martha went to prison, Scott Peterson was convicted...More than 150,000 people died in the tsunamis.
Overall, I liked 2004. It was a year of great personal growth and some hardship, but -- as usual -- I am better for it.
In 2005, I hope to be stronger in all ways. I hope to be less prone to procrastination and less likely to give in to temptation.
Tonight we're headed out with Chris and Sarah for the 2nd annual Thai food dinner. Later, we're going to a wine bar with our new friends Brian and Kelly. And tomorrow, the slate will be blank again and the world will have another chance for a fresh start. I will definitely be taking advantage of that chance.
Happy 2005!
Wednesday, December 29, 2004
Tsunami
Last night at the gym I decided to watch the news instead of listening to my iPod and after only about two minutes, I found myself crying on the Precor. My thighs were burning in that pleasant way lets me know I am using my muscles, I was already slightly out of breath and then suddenly, I was crying. I don't know what triggered the tears, but somewhere between seeing tiny little dead bodies of children and sobbing, screaming parents, I lost it.
The thing about these giant killer waves is that we can't blame humans for them. They just happened. And because of where they were vacationing or where they lived, more than 80,000 people died in a few instants.
And then here I am in the desert southwest. I get to go meet friends for lunch and watch TV and go to the gym and walk my dogs like nothing is wrong. And nothing is... here. But why am I so privileged? A week ago, I would have been jealous of those tourists who were vacationing on the beach in far away places that I've always wanted to visit.
Entire countries have been nearly wiped out, swallowed up by the sea. And I want to help. I don't want to send money...mostly because I don't have it. I want to go in person and help with my own two hands... not sure how practical that is or what I would really have to offer, but when I see those pictures on TV, I just want to pitch in.
I am reminded of September 11th. Even though it was completely different circumstances and it was on a much smaller scale, I remember the waiting. I remember the pictures of the missing that were on every wall and fence and lamp post in New York City and I remember the hoping that the death count would be reduced, that people would be found alive.
That little Swedish boy who was found in the jungle in Thailand completely broke my heart. It is amazing that he was found and rescued and reunited by family, but his mom is still missing. Today he was reunited with his dad who said of the boy's rescuer: "She has saved his life, but also my soul because I couldn't survive if I lost them both."
It's little stories like these that trickle out of the disaster zones that make it all seem more real and more devastating. Of course, the media is doing an excellent job tugging at our hearts -- but even with all of the pictures they have been showing, I still can't make it seem real. I can't imagine those waves and the power and force they must have had. How did water kill all those people. Water, one of the most essential ingredients for human life...
It is all so tragic and baffling and perhaps most of all, it is humbling. We think that we control the world...humans. We fight wars and launch attacks. We build things and destroy things. We cultivate plants in our attempt to control nature. We study the earth and weather patterns. We modify DNA and practice selective breeding. It is easy to see why we are all fooled into thinking we're in charge. But really, we have no say when it comes to the big stuff. Nobody knew that earthquake was coming with it's minion waves. And even if someone did know, there was nothing we could do to stop it. (although warning the people lying on the beach would have been nice...)
Last night at the gym I decided to watch the news instead of listening to my iPod and after only about two minutes, I found myself crying on the Precor. My thighs were burning in that pleasant way lets me know I am using my muscles, I was already slightly out of breath and then suddenly, I was crying. I don't know what triggered the tears, but somewhere between seeing tiny little dead bodies of children and sobbing, screaming parents, I lost it.
The thing about these giant killer waves is that we can't blame humans for them. They just happened. And because of where they were vacationing or where they lived, more than 80,000 people died in a few instants.
And then here I am in the desert southwest. I get to go meet friends for lunch and watch TV and go to the gym and walk my dogs like nothing is wrong. And nothing is... here. But why am I so privileged? A week ago, I would have been jealous of those tourists who were vacationing on the beach in far away places that I've always wanted to visit.
Entire countries have been nearly wiped out, swallowed up by the sea. And I want to help. I don't want to send money...mostly because I don't have it. I want to go in person and help with my own two hands... not sure how practical that is or what I would really have to offer, but when I see those pictures on TV, I just want to pitch in.
I am reminded of September 11th. Even though it was completely different circumstances and it was on a much smaller scale, I remember the waiting. I remember the pictures of the missing that were on every wall and fence and lamp post in New York City and I remember the hoping that the death count would be reduced, that people would be found alive.
That little Swedish boy who was found in the jungle in Thailand completely broke my heart. It is amazing that he was found and rescued and reunited by family, but his mom is still missing. Today he was reunited with his dad who said of the boy's rescuer: "She has saved his life, but also my soul because I couldn't survive if I lost them both."
It's little stories like these that trickle out of the disaster zones that make it all seem more real and more devastating. Of course, the media is doing an excellent job tugging at our hearts -- but even with all of the pictures they have been showing, I still can't make it seem real. I can't imagine those waves and the power and force they must have had. How did water kill all those people. Water, one of the most essential ingredients for human life...
It is all so tragic and baffling and perhaps most of all, it is humbling. We think that we control the world...humans. We fight wars and launch attacks. We build things and destroy things. We cultivate plants in our attempt to control nature. We study the earth and weather patterns. We modify DNA and practice selective breeding. It is easy to see why we are all fooled into thinking we're in charge. But really, we have no say when it comes to the big stuff. Nobody knew that earthquake was coming with it's minion waves. And even if someone did know, there was nothing we could do to stop it. (although warning the people lying on the beach would have been nice...)
Tuesday, December 28, 2004
Blog? What Blog?
So, for the last couple of weeks, I have been a very bad blogger. Basically, whenever I might have been blogging I was in the kitchen at work eating holiday sweets. That, or I was out socializing at holiday parties. I am slowly coming out of the sugar coma today (although I'm currently eating an orange chocolate cookie... don't want to go into withdrawal).
But seriously, I was swept away by the "season". Christmas was a little different this year. (Yes, I am Jewish, but we still have our holiday traditions... ) My dad is in Italy with my brother, so they were both conspicuously missing. I didn't see quite as many old friends as I am accustomed to seeing. It was absolutely freezing (below zero with the wind) and that made the annual Christmas Eve walk a little less enjoyable. But, the friends I did see were great and it felt good, as always, to be with them and laugh with them and remember old times and catch up on their lives. I also enjoyed time relaxing with my mom and Neil and my grandma and making an 8-hour fire in my parents' fireplace was a highlight...
Now I am back at work. No plans for New Years except watching some movies with Neil.
Advice: Avoid "The Life Aquatic". Maybe rent it on video if you're a big Bill Murray fan, but otherwise, I recommend seeing anything else.
So, for the last couple of weeks, I have been a very bad blogger. Basically, whenever I might have been blogging I was in the kitchen at work eating holiday sweets. That, or I was out socializing at holiday parties. I am slowly coming out of the sugar coma today (although I'm currently eating an orange chocolate cookie... don't want to go into withdrawal).
But seriously, I was swept away by the "season". Christmas was a little different this year. (Yes, I am Jewish, but we still have our holiday traditions... ) My dad is in Italy with my brother, so they were both conspicuously missing. I didn't see quite as many old friends as I am accustomed to seeing. It was absolutely freezing (below zero with the wind) and that made the annual Christmas Eve walk a little less enjoyable. But, the friends I did see were great and it felt good, as always, to be with them and laugh with them and remember old times and catch up on their lives. I also enjoyed time relaxing with my mom and Neil and my grandma and making an 8-hour fire in my parents' fireplace was a highlight...
Now I am back at work. No plans for New Years except watching some movies with Neil.
Advice: Avoid "The Life Aquatic". Maybe rent it on video if you're a big Bill Murray fan, but otherwise, I recommend seeing anything else.
Thursday, December 16, 2004
Nothing Else Like It
To counter last week's post about how materialistic I am, I would like to say that there is little else in the world that feels better than helping other people. I have always known this, but sometimes it is good to be reminded of it.
Neil has a co-worker whose family just moved here and soon after the move, his wife had a massive medical emergency while on the way to visit her terminally ill father. She had to have major surgery and her husband had to take off work to help her. In the meantime the woman's father died. All of the combined expenses made it so that the family couldn't afford Christmas and they have four children! So, Neil, being the big-hearted person that he is, asked his co-worker to write out a list of gifts the kids wanted for Christmas. He did and we're going to help them celebrate Christmas.
This morning I sent an e-mail to my own co-workers about the situation and what we're trying to do and already four people have offered to help us. People's generosity is always so astounding. And it just feels really good to be doing something that will hopefully make a big difference to a family.
If everyone helped one friend or acquaintance once in a while, so many more people would have what they need. It will be a couple hundred dollars to us, but it means Christmas for the family and it feels really good to be able to help out.
To counter last week's post about how materialistic I am, I would like to say that there is little else in the world that feels better than helping other people. I have always known this, but sometimes it is good to be reminded of it.
Neil has a co-worker whose family just moved here and soon after the move, his wife had a massive medical emergency while on the way to visit her terminally ill father. She had to have major surgery and her husband had to take off work to help her. In the meantime the woman's father died. All of the combined expenses made it so that the family couldn't afford Christmas and they have four children! So, Neil, being the big-hearted person that he is, asked his co-worker to write out a list of gifts the kids wanted for Christmas. He did and we're going to help them celebrate Christmas.
This morning I sent an e-mail to my own co-workers about the situation and what we're trying to do and already four people have offered to help us. People's generosity is always so astounding. And it just feels really good to be doing something that will hopefully make a big difference to a family.
If everyone helped one friend or acquaintance once in a while, so many more people would have what they need. It will be a couple hundred dollars to us, but it means Christmas for the family and it feels really good to be able to help out.
Wednesday, December 15, 2004
You Must Change Your Life
What is it about the poet Rainer Maria Rilke that keeps captivating me recently? I keep stumbling across random lines of his poetry without their context and finding myself being moved by them. Really moved. For the last 24 hours, this last line of "Archaic Torso of Apollo" has been echoing in my head. I have actually read this poem before, but I was reminded of it yesterday while reading an essay be a fellow Bennington alum. (A very good essay, I might add.)
I don't think that my life needs a complete makeover, but I do think that it always needs to be changing. I should always strive to become a better version of myself, to be more complete, to be happier, to contribute more.
I must change my life.
Here's the poem:
Archaic Torso of Apollo
We do not know his unheard of head,
in which the seeing of his eyes ripened. But
his trunk still glows like a thousand candles,
in which his looking, only turned down slightly,
continues to shine. Otherwise the thrust of the
breast wouldn't blind you, and from the light twist
of the loins a smile wouldn't flow into
that center where the generative power thrived.
Otherwise this stone would stand half disfigured
under the transparent fall of the shoulders,
and wouldn't shimmer like the skin of a wild animal;
it wouldn't be breaking out, like a star, on
all its sides: for there is no place on this stone,
that does not see you. You must change your life.
What is it about the poet Rainer Maria Rilke that keeps captivating me recently? I keep stumbling across random lines of his poetry without their context and finding myself being moved by them. Really moved. For the last 24 hours, this last line of "Archaic Torso of Apollo" has been echoing in my head. I have actually read this poem before, but I was reminded of it yesterday while reading an essay be a fellow Bennington alum. (A very good essay, I might add.)
I don't think that my life needs a complete makeover, but I do think that it always needs to be changing. I should always strive to become a better version of myself, to be more complete, to be happier, to contribute more.
I must change my life.
Here's the poem:
Archaic Torso of Apollo
We do not know his unheard of head,
in which the seeing of his eyes ripened. But
his trunk still glows like a thousand candles,
in which his looking, only turned down slightly,
continues to shine. Otherwise the thrust of the
breast wouldn't blind you, and from the light twist
of the loins a smile wouldn't flow into
that center where the generative power thrived.
Otherwise this stone would stand half disfigured
under the transparent fall of the shoulders,
and wouldn't shimmer like the skin of a wild animal;
it wouldn't be breaking out, like a star, on
all its sides: for there is no place on this stone,
that does not see you. You must change your life.
Tuesday, December 14, 2004
Dick Clark
I almost forgot. I saw on the front page of today's paper that the worst has happened...Dick Clark had a stroke and had to ask Regis Philbin to fill in on "Dick Clark's New Year's Rockin' Eve 2005."
I have always said that things are right in the world because I can count on seeing Dick on TV each New Years Eve. He has literally been on TV for New Years my entire life.
This is either a really bad sign, or a good one... or maybe it isn't a sign at all, but I still think it's sad. I don't like it when traditions end.
I almost forgot. I saw on the front page of today's paper that the worst has happened...Dick Clark had a stroke and had to ask Regis Philbin to fill in on "Dick Clark's New Year's Rockin' Eve 2005."
I have always said that things are right in the world because I can count on seeing Dick on TV each New Years Eve. He has literally been on TV for New Years my entire life.
This is either a really bad sign, or a good one... or maybe it isn't a sign at all, but I still think it's sad. I don't like it when traditions end.
Introspection
After staying home all day yesterday nursing a horrible headache (which felt like a little man was in my head trying to poke my eyes out from the back) I went back to work today.
It's always when I am not feeling quite myself that I become the most introspective. Not sure why this is... maybe because I have too much time to think when I am hiding my head under the covers to avoid the light and subsequent pain caused by it?
In any case, yesterday I was thinking about high school. Specifically, I was thinking about how I used to be kind of a bad ass. Maybe not everyone I knew at the time saw me that way, but that was how I saw myself. I was just the right mix of goody goody high school student and the skanky cigarette smoker you might find in the high school bathroom.
I liked boys who wore leather and had piercings and I preferred that these boys have bleached blonde hair. They needed to ride a skateboard, motorcycle or drive their car excessively fast. Most of these boys were smart, but just didn't act smart all the time. (A tricky distinction.)
I liked to leave my house and go hang out at places that felt dangerous. I probably didn't think of it that way at the time, but we had parties in the woods and parties at places where nobody over the age of 16 and a half was home. Then we all drove home in the middle of the night. I liked to go to concerts at this alternative performance space. To get in you had to walk through a fog of pot smoke and cigarettes. I liked it that I knew people at places like that. I had a boyfriend who used to sneak in my window at night. And even thought I didn’t like cigarettes, I liked it that I knew how to smoke them and I liked to show off my skills at parties.
I really liked breaking the rules and getting away with it. (But not rules that would hurt other people.)Perhaps it was that whole "invincible youth" thing I was feeling. I thought less about consequences and more about the moment. I wanted to have adventures, to feel music, to be free, to be loved, to always be with my friends.
Things are different now. It has been about nine years since I was suffering from senioritis and while I am still me, I am a lot different.
I am a tamer version of my former self. I think I am still striving for the same things, to have adventures, to feel music, to be free, to be loved, to always be with my friends. But I am not wild anymore and I'm wondering; was that slightly crazy girl in high school the imposter? Or am I?
Did I sell out because I got married and moved to a neighborhood with matching houses? Or because I took a job that's good -- but not my dream job. Or because I don't like to go out drinking and can't stand to be around smoke? I can't remember the last time I broke a rule or law (unless you count speeding, but I got caught and had to go to driving school). But maybe the biggest change is that I don't crave the danger that I used to -- at least not on that uncontrollable visceral level. Sometimes I think it would be fun, to go back out to the edge and feel that kind of alive that I used to feel, but I can always reason myself out of this.
What I really think is that this means I am older. I am not that bad ass anymore, but I'm sure it's still in me. Maybe you can only feel that intoxicated with your own youth for a short time -- there is a window of time during which you can take advantage of it. If that is the case, I am grateful that I saw the opening and seized it. Sure, I did some stupid things, we all did, but I lived to tell about it and I have those experiences to keep. Now, I get to discover new and better ways to be alive.
After staying home all day yesterday nursing a horrible headache (which felt like a little man was in my head trying to poke my eyes out from the back) I went back to work today.
It's always when I am not feeling quite myself that I become the most introspective. Not sure why this is... maybe because I have too much time to think when I am hiding my head under the covers to avoid the light and subsequent pain caused by it?
In any case, yesterday I was thinking about high school. Specifically, I was thinking about how I used to be kind of a bad ass. Maybe not everyone I knew at the time saw me that way, but that was how I saw myself. I was just the right mix of goody goody high school student and the skanky cigarette smoker you might find in the high school bathroom.
I liked boys who wore leather and had piercings and I preferred that these boys have bleached blonde hair. They needed to ride a skateboard, motorcycle or drive their car excessively fast. Most of these boys were smart, but just didn't act smart all the time. (A tricky distinction.)
I liked to leave my house and go hang out at places that felt dangerous. I probably didn't think of it that way at the time, but we had parties in the woods and parties at places where nobody over the age of 16 and a half was home. Then we all drove home in the middle of the night. I liked to go to concerts at this alternative performance space. To get in you had to walk through a fog of pot smoke and cigarettes. I liked it that I knew people at places like that. I had a boyfriend who used to sneak in my window at night. And even thought I didn’t like cigarettes, I liked it that I knew how to smoke them and I liked to show off my skills at parties.
I really liked breaking the rules and getting away with it. (But not rules that would hurt other people.)Perhaps it was that whole "invincible youth" thing I was feeling. I thought less about consequences and more about the moment. I wanted to have adventures, to feel music, to be free, to be loved, to always be with my friends.
Things are different now. It has been about nine years since I was suffering from senioritis and while I am still me, I am a lot different.
I am a tamer version of my former self. I think I am still striving for the same things, to have adventures, to feel music, to be free, to be loved, to always be with my friends. But I am not wild anymore and I'm wondering; was that slightly crazy girl in high school the imposter? Or am I?
Did I sell out because I got married and moved to a neighborhood with matching houses? Or because I took a job that's good -- but not my dream job. Or because I don't like to go out drinking and can't stand to be around smoke? I can't remember the last time I broke a rule or law (unless you count speeding, but I got caught and had to go to driving school). But maybe the biggest change is that I don't crave the danger that I used to -- at least not on that uncontrollable visceral level. Sometimes I think it would be fun, to go back out to the edge and feel that kind of alive that I used to feel, but I can always reason myself out of this.
What I really think is that this means I am older. I am not that bad ass anymore, but I'm sure it's still in me. Maybe you can only feel that intoxicated with your own youth for a short time -- there is a window of time during which you can take advantage of it. If that is the case, I am grateful that I saw the opening and seized it. Sure, I did some stupid things, we all did, but I lived to tell about it and I have those experiences to keep. Now, I get to discover new and better ways to be alive.
Sunday, December 12, 2004
Wednesday, December 08, 2004
Wireless Wonderfulness
My new laptop arrived on Monday. For at least a year, maybe two, I have been obsessing over owning a laptop. My wish list (which is an actual list written in a notebook) has had. "laptop, ipod (40G) and front-loading washing machine" on it for a long long time. Now I have two out of three! And really, if we are going to be moving in a year, it doesn't make a ton of sense to get a new washing machine yet.
Anyways, the laptop is awesome and wonderful. It's small and speedy and I already have all of my important files and programs on it. It can play and record CD's and DVD's. It has plenty of ports and hard drive storage and...it has wireless internet. We don't have wireless internet or high speed internet at our house, but somebody nearby does and I can choose between two networks when signing on to my computer at home.
I discovered this fact Monday night while installing software and transfering files. Yes, I realize that this is not a good thing to take advantage of. Whoever administrates those networks can see if I am on them and they can look at things on my computer and they could also get really mad. Oh, and there is probably something illegal about it too. So it's not a long-term solution, but it's awesome for the time being. It's the speediest internet access I've ever had in my own home. Now I am asking myself how on earth I went so long with only a dial-up connection. But I am taking steps to get back to my old cutting-edge self.
Now we need a flat-screen high-resolution TV, Tivo, some new stereo equipment that is hooked up to the TV, a Blackberry for Neil, perhaps some satellite radio...
As much fun as all of this stuff is, and as thrilled as I am to have a laptop and an iPod, I also find myself wishing I didn't always wind up wanting things the way I do. I am materialistic. I wish I weren't, but I don't really see how it is practical not to be. You can't live in this society and then denounce consumerism and commercialism. If I were living off the land in the mountains someplace, then of course I would not need the clothes from Banana Republic or the iPod, or even that washing machine. I also wouldn't need to be entertained. I wouldn't go to movies, I wouldn't be compelled to own DVD's and so on. But, I do live here and I want to enjoy myself. Maybe it's a balance....a balance between having these things and letting these things fulfill you emotionally and spiritually. While I do indulge in retail therapy on occasion, I don't confuse satisfying my materialistic whims with fulfilling my soul. So, at least I have that going for me.
I got this note from the Universe the other day and really liked it. Maybe now I understand why?
My new laptop arrived on Monday. For at least a year, maybe two, I have been obsessing over owning a laptop. My wish list (which is an actual list written in a notebook) has had. "laptop, ipod (40G) and front-loading washing machine" on it for a long long time. Now I have two out of three! And really, if we are going to be moving in a year, it doesn't make a ton of sense to get a new washing machine yet.
Anyways, the laptop is awesome and wonderful. It's small and speedy and I already have all of my important files and programs on it. It can play and record CD's and DVD's. It has plenty of ports and hard drive storage and...it has wireless internet. We don't have wireless internet or high speed internet at our house, but somebody nearby does and I can choose between two networks when signing on to my computer at home.
I discovered this fact Monday night while installing software and transfering files. Yes, I realize that this is not a good thing to take advantage of. Whoever administrates those networks can see if I am on them and they can look at things on my computer and they could also get really mad. Oh, and there is probably something illegal about it too. So it's not a long-term solution, but it's awesome for the time being. It's the speediest internet access I've ever had in my own home. Now I am asking myself how on earth I went so long with only a dial-up connection. But I am taking steps to get back to my old cutting-edge self.
Now we need a flat-screen high-resolution TV, Tivo, some new stereo equipment that is hooked up to the TV, a Blackberry for Neil, perhaps some satellite radio...
As much fun as all of this stuff is, and as thrilled as I am to have a laptop and an iPod, I also find myself wishing I didn't always wind up wanting things the way I do. I am materialistic. I wish I weren't, but I don't really see how it is practical not to be. You can't live in this society and then denounce consumerism and commercialism. If I were living off the land in the mountains someplace, then of course I would not need the clothes from Banana Republic or the iPod, or even that washing machine. I also wouldn't need to be entertained. I wouldn't go to movies, I wouldn't be compelled to own DVD's and so on. But, I do live here and I want to enjoy myself. Maybe it's a balance....a balance between having these things and letting these things fulfill you emotionally and spiritually. While I do indulge in retail therapy on occasion, I don't confuse satisfying my materialistic whims with fulfilling my soul. So, at least I have that going for me.
I got this note from the Universe the other day and really liked it. Maybe now I understand why?
Simply put, Jodi, the reason there are things you want, that have not yet appeared in your life, is because you're just not used to thinking of yourself with them. Sorry, kind of wish it was more complicated. Just keep practicing.
Friday, December 03, 2004
Wednesday, December 01, 2004
Better?
For unknown reasons, I seem to be feeling a bit better about life today. Perhaps it's because it's sunny outside and I went to the gym last night, and my new laptop was shipped today so it should arrive soon.
I think it's interesting that Tom Ridge is quitting. The New York Times said today that he will be best remembered for "playing with colors". That made me giggle. I don't really have any rancor for Mr. Ridge. I just think he's pretty lame. But, I have gained a tad of respect for him since he had the good sense to resign from the evil empire.
In sad news, tonight is the last night that Tom Brokaw will be on NBC Nightly News. I wonder what he will say at the end of the broadcast. He can't possibly say, "I'll see you back here tomorrow night." Will he say, "I'll see you later." or maybe "I won't be seeing you." I am going to have to do my best to watch...I really don't like it that he's retiring, but I am sure I'll get over it.
I'm off to drink some green tea. Someday soon I will have some good and interesting things to post about...
For unknown reasons, I seem to be feeling a bit better about life today. Perhaps it's because it's sunny outside and I went to the gym last night, and my new laptop was shipped today so it should arrive soon.
I think it's interesting that Tom Ridge is quitting. The New York Times said today that he will be best remembered for "playing with colors". That made me giggle. I don't really have any rancor for Mr. Ridge. I just think he's pretty lame. But, I have gained a tad of respect for him since he had the good sense to resign from the evil empire.
In sad news, tonight is the last night that Tom Brokaw will be on NBC Nightly News. I wonder what he will say at the end of the broadcast. He can't possibly say, "I'll see you back here tomorrow night." Will he say, "I'll see you later." or maybe "I won't be seeing you." I am going to have to do my best to watch...I really don't like it that he's retiring, but I am sure I'll get over it.
I'm off to drink some green tea. Someday soon I will have some good and interesting things to post about...
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