Confession

O.K. I confess...I have no clue what I want to be when I grow up. I don't know where I want to live. I don't know what I want to do with my days. I am clueless. Is this ok? Am I defective? I'm playing at this grownup life, but I'm really terrified. I have vague ideas about my future:

*I want to be somewhere that I can be paid to write, or I want to be in the position where I don't need to be paid and I can write.

*I want to be with Neil.

*I want to be in a city with lots of young people, but I also don't want to live like a poor college student again. So, I would like to live in a house that happens to be in the middle of a hip urban area. (yeah right, right?)

*I want to have adventures. (foreign travel, outdoor activities etc.)

*I want to see everything.

*I want to make an impact.

*I want to be a part of my community.

But what does all that stuff add up to? I have no clue. Am I doing things right now that will help me get to wherever it is I want to be? I'm not sure.

In some ways, I am content in my job and my house and my little life here in NM, but in other ways, I am crawling out of my skin to be someplace/somebody that right now, I am not.

I want to have a settled little home with my bunny and my dogs. I want to curl up with Neil on cold nights and I want us to both be wearing slippers and flannel pj's. And yet, I want to be living in the center of it all, surrounded by life and energy.

How do I reconcile the homebody with the adventurer in me? How do I figure out what will ultimately make me happy?