Confession
O.K. I confess...I have no clue what I want to be when I grow up. I don't know where I want to live. I don't know what I want to do with my days. I am clueless. Is this ok? Am I defective? I'm playing at this grownup life, but I'm really terrified. I have vague ideas about my future:
*I want to be somewhere that I can be paid to write, or I want to be in the position where I don't need to be paid and I can write.
*I want to be with Neil.
*I want to be in a city with lots of young people, but I also don't want to live like a poor college student again. So, I would like to live in a house that happens to be in the middle of a hip urban area. (yeah right, right?)
*I want to have adventures. (foreign travel, outdoor activities etc.)
*I want to see everything.
*I want to make an impact.
*I want to be a part of my community.
But what does all that stuff add up to? I have no clue. Am I doing things right now that will help me get to wherever it is I want to be? I'm not sure.
In some ways, I am content in my job and my house and my little life here in NM, but in other ways, I am crawling out of my skin to be someplace/somebody that right now, I am not.
I want to have a settled little home with my bunny and my dogs. I want to curl up with Neil on cold nights and I want us to both be wearing slippers and flannel pj's. And yet, I want to be living in the center of it all, surrounded by life and energy.
How do I reconcile the homebody with the adventurer in me? How do I figure out what will ultimately make me happy?
Monday, April 26, 2004
Ahhh... Maureen...
Yesterday, on Neil's birthday, Maureen Dowd out did herself again with a brilliant column on Bushworld. The administration's alternate universe was laid bare in her column and again, I am so jealous! I could have written that! (If I were completely steeped in politics)
Here's a snippet in which she touches on the soldier remains issue I was steaming over last week:
April 25, 2004
OP-ED COLUMNIST
The Orwellian Olsens
By MAUREEN DOWD
It's their reality. We just live and die in it.
In Bushworld, our troops go to war and get killed, but you never see the bodies coming home.
In Bushworld, flag-draped remains of the fallen are important to revere and show the nation, but only in political ads hawking the president's leadership against terror.
In Bushworld, we can create an exciting Iraqi democracy as long as it doesn't control its own military, pass any laws or have any power.
In Bushworld, we can win over Falluja by bulldozing it.
More...
If only Maureen's columns were required reading for every American.
Neighborhood
More tales from the neighborhood.
On our walk yesterday, Barbie, Wiley and I met some kids in the park. I walk the dogs through the park every day so they can run on the grass and this was the first time we saw anyone there. At first I was concerned. The kids had a couple skateboards and a random collection of garden tools. "Vandals!" I thought as we approached. Two of the four kids were closer to the path we were walking on and they asked if they could pet my dogs. I made introductions and the kids started telling me about their dogs, current and deceased. They must have been about 10 or 11 years old and after talking to them for a few minutes, I realized that they were not the hoodlums I suspected them to be. Their two friends were working on something across the field and I asked them what they were doing in the park.
"We're building a baseball field," one of the boys said.
"Oh, cool," I said as I began to notice carefully placed mounds of sand in the grass that must have been the bases.
"Yeah, we built one before, but someone took it down," the other boy said. "It might have been the guy who mows the grass. We also built some skate ramps over there, but they took those down too."
I admired their sitck-to-it-ivness and told them I wished them luck on the baseball diamond.
Shortly thereafter, I continued my walk, passing out of the park and noticing the tallest boy using sidewalk chalk to construct a scoreboard on the rock wall bordering the park. As we passed them, I couldn't help but to giggle because it was impossibly cute that they were building a baseball field and because I could just imagine the conversation at the next neighborhood association meeting:
Secretary: "Agenda Item number one: Park vandals. Someone has been vandalizing the community park. Piles of sand were on the grass and the wall has been marked up with chalk."
President: "Clearly this is a serious issue and we need to get to the bottom of this. We need to find out who wants to harm our neighborhood and why..."
And so on...
Being pro-kid and very anti-neighborhood association, I did my part and encouraged them to build the field. That's what kids do and really, it's a pretty boring park. Two slabs of grass and a dirt path...A baseball diamond with sand for bases would be a big improvement. I hope it's all still there when I walk through this evening.
Yesterday, on Neil's birthday, Maureen Dowd out did herself again with a brilliant column on Bushworld. The administration's alternate universe was laid bare in her column and again, I am so jealous! I could have written that! (If I were completely steeped in politics)
Here's a snippet in which she touches on the soldier remains issue I was steaming over last week:
April 25, 2004
OP-ED COLUMNIST
The Orwellian Olsens
By MAUREEN DOWD
It's their reality. We just live and die in it.
In Bushworld, our troops go to war and get killed, but you never see the bodies coming home.
In Bushworld, flag-draped remains of the fallen are important to revere and show the nation, but only in political ads hawking the president's leadership against terror.
In Bushworld, we can create an exciting Iraqi democracy as long as it doesn't control its own military, pass any laws or have any power.
In Bushworld, we can win over Falluja by bulldozing it.
More...
If only Maureen's columns were required reading for every American.
Neighborhood
More tales from the neighborhood.
On our walk yesterday, Barbie, Wiley and I met some kids in the park. I walk the dogs through the park every day so they can run on the grass and this was the first time we saw anyone there. At first I was concerned. The kids had a couple skateboards and a random collection of garden tools. "Vandals!" I thought as we approached. Two of the four kids were closer to the path we were walking on and they asked if they could pet my dogs. I made introductions and the kids started telling me about their dogs, current and deceased. They must have been about 10 or 11 years old and after talking to them for a few minutes, I realized that they were not the hoodlums I suspected them to be. Their two friends were working on something across the field and I asked them what they were doing in the park.
"We're building a baseball field," one of the boys said.
"Oh, cool," I said as I began to notice carefully placed mounds of sand in the grass that must have been the bases.
"Yeah, we built one before, but someone took it down," the other boy said. "It might have been the guy who mows the grass. We also built some skate ramps over there, but they took those down too."
I admired their sitck-to-it-ivness and told them I wished them luck on the baseball diamond.
Shortly thereafter, I continued my walk, passing out of the park and noticing the tallest boy using sidewalk chalk to construct a scoreboard on the rock wall bordering the park. As we passed them, I couldn't help but to giggle because it was impossibly cute that they were building a baseball field and because I could just imagine the conversation at the next neighborhood association meeting:
Secretary: "Agenda Item number one: Park vandals. Someone has been vandalizing the community park. Piles of sand were on the grass and the wall has been marked up with chalk."
President: "Clearly this is a serious issue and we need to get to the bottom of this. We need to find out who wants to harm our neighborhood and why..."
And so on...
Being pro-kid and very anti-neighborhood association, I did my part and encouraged them to build the field. That's what kids do and really, it's a pretty boring park. Two slabs of grass and a dirt path...A baseball diamond with sand for bases would be a big improvement. I hope it's all still there when I walk through this evening.
Friday, April 23, 2004
The Government is So Stupid
It makes absolutely no sense that the U.S. government is not allowing any images of bodies returning home from Iraq and Afghanistan to be shown in the news. When I first heard this, I imagined that they were shielding the public from gruesome images of mangled soldiers. But, no, the government actually doesn't want me to see flag-draped caskets. The government doesn't want me to even think about the fact that some soldiers are coming home dead.
Bravo to First Amendment activist, Russ Kick who filed a freedom of information request with the military and received hundreds of pictures from the largest military morgue which he then posted on his website. (and now some of them are on CNN's website)
The military argues that the families of the soldiers deserve to be the first to see them, but when there are dozens of matching caskets lined up in a room, isn't that more about making a statement than it is about me actually seeing these dead soldiers? I have no clue who is in each box and family members of the deceased don't know either, but isn't it important for us to see soldiers coming home just like we see them boarding planes and leaving? The government isn't protecting the soldiers' families, it's protecting its own ill-conceived war and keeping its citizens in the dark.
Thank goodness for Kick and Tami Silicio, a military contractor who took a picture of a casket being loaded into a cargo plane that was later published on the front page of The Seattle Times. Silicio got fired and Kick has prompted the military to crack down on information release, but at least there are finally a few pictures out there and since the military is making such a big deal about it, maybe even more people will see them.
It makes absolutely no sense that the U.S. government is not allowing any images of bodies returning home from Iraq and Afghanistan to be shown in the news. When I first heard this, I imagined that they were shielding the public from gruesome images of mangled soldiers. But, no, the government actually doesn't want me to see flag-draped caskets. The government doesn't want me to even think about the fact that some soldiers are coming home dead.
Bravo to First Amendment activist, Russ Kick who filed a freedom of information request with the military and received hundreds of pictures from the largest military morgue which he then posted on his website. (and now some of them are on CNN's website)
The military argues that the families of the soldiers deserve to be the first to see them, but when there are dozens of matching caskets lined up in a room, isn't that more about making a statement than it is about me actually seeing these dead soldiers? I have no clue who is in each box and family members of the deceased don't know either, but isn't it important for us to see soldiers coming home just like we see them boarding planes and leaving? The government isn't protecting the soldiers' families, it's protecting its own ill-conceived war and keeping its citizens in the dark.
Thank goodness for Kick and Tami Silicio, a military contractor who took a picture of a casket being loaded into a cargo plane that was later published on the front page of The Seattle Times. Silicio got fired and Kick has prompted the military to crack down on information release, but at least there are finally a few pictures out there and since the military is making such a big deal about it, maybe even more people will see them.
Thursday, April 22, 2004
Wind
Ok, so I just got out of my car after lunch and got pounded so hard by the wind that I almost had my breath knocked out of me. This should not happen. Maybe if I were on the top of a really tall mountain, I could understand, but in the parking lot of my office?
What's worse is that along with the pounding my body took, I also got a dust shower. Yummm.
Travel
Neil has been Mr. Jetset the past two weeks. He was in Alabama all weekend until Tuesday night and tomorrow he leaves at an ungodly hour to go to Washington D.C. Being home alone with the dogs and bunny wasn't so bad. I actually felt a lot less lonely than I usually do when Neil's gone. But, despite my appreciation of the companionship I get from my new family members, they really don't make up for Neil being gone. This, I think, is a very good thing. Pets should never serve as husband replacements.
Ok, so I just got out of my car after lunch and got pounded so hard by the wind that I almost had my breath knocked out of me. This should not happen. Maybe if I were on the top of a really tall mountain, I could understand, but in the parking lot of my office?
What's worse is that along with the pounding my body took, I also got a dust shower. Yummm.
Travel
Neil has been Mr. Jetset the past two weeks. He was in Alabama all weekend until Tuesday night and tomorrow he leaves at an ungodly hour to go to Washington D.C. Being home alone with the dogs and bunny wasn't so bad. I actually felt a lot less lonely than I usually do when Neil's gone. But, despite my appreciation of the companionship I get from my new family members, they really don't make up for Neil being gone. This, I think, is a very good thing. Pets should never serve as husband replacements.
Friday, April 16, 2004
Tired
I am so tired. I have literally been nodding off at my desk this morning which never happens to me anymore. I feel like I'm in my college sociology class. The one that was right after lunch... Augh...
It's Friday and it's super-sunny outside and I'm wearing sandals and I really really want to get up, go to my car, and head home.
Neighborhood
Now that I have dogs to walk after work, I have a reason to explore my neighborhood. Last night, I got home a little late and the sun was already beginning to set, but I took the dogs out to walk anyway. We walked on the edge of the neighborhood until we got to our subdivision park (built on the land under the power lines because nobody would want to live there). At the park, we turned onto the dirt path along the grass and started walking and then, the dogs discovered the grass. Barbie started sniffing and snorting and Wiley followed suit and then something magic happened. They both got really playful and started running... We sprinted back and forth and back and forth together. It was hilarious and I actually got a little exercise.
On our way home from the park, we cut through the neighborhood and came across a police officer pulling into his driveway. When we got to his car, he was getting out so I said hello... and he started up a conversation about the dogs and the neighborhood and how he doesn't know his neighbors and on and on. He was really nice and his name is Renee. So now I know about three people in the neighborhood, which is not great, but it's better than it was when I knew only one This getting out with the dogs is going to be good in more ways than one.
I am so tired. I have literally been nodding off at my desk this morning which never happens to me anymore. I feel like I'm in my college sociology class. The one that was right after lunch... Augh...
It's Friday and it's super-sunny outside and I'm wearing sandals and I really really want to get up, go to my car, and head home.
Neighborhood
Now that I have dogs to walk after work, I have a reason to explore my neighborhood. Last night, I got home a little late and the sun was already beginning to set, but I took the dogs out to walk anyway. We walked on the edge of the neighborhood until we got to our subdivision park (built on the land under the power lines because nobody would want to live there). At the park, we turned onto the dirt path along the grass and started walking and then, the dogs discovered the grass. Barbie started sniffing and snorting and Wiley followed suit and then something magic happened. They both got really playful and started running... We sprinted back and forth and back and forth together. It was hilarious and I actually got a little exercise.
On our way home from the park, we cut through the neighborhood and came across a police officer pulling into his driveway. When we got to his car, he was getting out so I said hello... and he started up a conversation about the dogs and the neighborhood and how he doesn't know his neighbors and on and on. He was really nice and his name is Renee. So now I know about three people in the neighborhood, which is not great, but it's better than it was when I knew only one This getting out with the dogs is going to be good in more ways than one.
Wednesday, April 14, 2004
Changes
My life is changed forever.
O.K. that may be a little extreme, but, things are definitely different around the Neil and Jodi household. This past weekend we drove to Denver and picked up two of the littlest and cutest dogs ever.
Then we drove them home through a snow storm, stayed at a Holiday Inn Express where they had some issues with the room and thought that going to the bathroom all over it might make it a bit nicer (We should be banned from that hotel chain for life), continued driving in snow on Sunday, and got home late Sunday night after a stop to visit my parents. The first night at home SUCKED because, despite their diminutive size, the dogs howled and whined loudly nearly all night and we got no sleep... but since then, things have improved. They have slept through the night for the last two nights and are making great progress on the potty training.
When I'm home, I have permanent attachments who follow me everywhere and would rather be on my lap than anyplace. The only trouble? I am not really interested in constantly sitting to accommodate them. I've never been the recipient of such undeserved devotion... but it feels nice.
I think Neil is having fun with them too. He's had the most exhausting four days ever. His work chipped in to further his exhaustion by calling him in to work yesterday at 5:30 in the morning. (and the dogs slept through the phone call!!!) I hope he gets rested soon so he can enjoy our new family members... (not that he's not enjoying them.. but I'm sure he'll enjoy them more when he's not on the verge of sleep)
On Monday, after two nights of less than 4 hours of sleep, I left the dogs in their crate and stumbled into work late. I was queasy from being so tired and my eyes had a permanent blur and I felt sooooooooooo guilty for leaving the dogs crying and that the bunny was locked in her room and that Neil was so tired, that I started crying and I wondered if I could ever be a mom and live through the pangs of guilt and worry I would inevitably feel. I am happy to report, however, that much of Monday's emotional crisis was related to my sleepless state... Still not sure about the kid thing... but I imagine that it will feel right someday.
Next step, let dogs and bunny meet. Ohmygoodness what have we gotten ourselves into?
My life is changed forever.
O.K. that may be a little extreme, but, things are definitely different around the Neil and Jodi household. This past weekend we drove to Denver and picked up two of the littlest and cutest dogs ever.
Then we drove them home through a snow storm, stayed at a Holiday Inn Express where they had some issues with the room and thought that going to the bathroom all over it might make it a bit nicer (We should be banned from that hotel chain for life), continued driving in snow on Sunday, and got home late Sunday night after a stop to visit my parents. The first night at home SUCKED because, despite their diminutive size, the dogs howled and whined loudly nearly all night and we got no sleep... but since then, things have improved. They have slept through the night for the last two nights and are making great progress on the potty training.
When I'm home, I have permanent attachments who follow me everywhere and would rather be on my lap than anyplace. The only trouble? I am not really interested in constantly sitting to accommodate them. I've never been the recipient of such undeserved devotion... but it feels nice.
I think Neil is having fun with them too. He's had the most exhausting four days ever. His work chipped in to further his exhaustion by calling him in to work yesterday at 5:30 in the morning. (and the dogs slept through the phone call!!!) I hope he gets rested soon so he can enjoy our new family members... (not that he's not enjoying them.. but I'm sure he'll enjoy them more when he's not on the verge of sleep)
On Monday, after two nights of less than 4 hours of sleep, I left the dogs in their crate and stumbled into work late. I was queasy from being so tired and my eyes had a permanent blur and I felt sooooooooooo guilty for leaving the dogs crying and that the bunny was locked in her room and that Neil was so tired, that I started crying and I wondered if I could ever be a mom and live through the pangs of guilt and worry I would inevitably feel. I am happy to report, however, that much of Monday's emotional crisis was related to my sleepless state... Still not sure about the kid thing... but I imagine that it will feel right someday.
Next step, let dogs and bunny meet. Ohmygoodness what have we gotten ourselves into?
Thursday, April 08, 2004
Dogs
Am I ready to be responsible for a dog? I think I am. I long for the companionship. I can't wait to take my dog or dogs for walks with Neil in our neighborhood. I want to take them to Petsmart on the weekends and I want them to curl up with me when I watch TV at night. I can go home at lunch every day to let them out and play with them. (I'll save money and calories that way, too.) I envision taking them with us when we go to Santa Fe to visit my parents. My mom will love them. I even want to take them on vacation with us. I want to make them feel loved and happy.
But will I be good enough to care for them? I think this doubt occurs anytime I up my responsibility. I felt it when I took Boo Boo home in a cardboard box and I am sure I will feel it if and when I decide to become a parent. Oh boy, I can't wait for nine months of self-doubt.
The more I think about it, I think the only thing making me wonder if Neil and I should drive to Denver and adopt the two dogs waiting for us there is concern about myself and my ability to be a good "parent" to them. I know they have some issues (didn't get much love from people for their first five years of life), but I am certain that Neil and I can help them get used to people and feel secure. I know we have a lot to offer and I also know that if we were able to train a bunny to use a litter box and not be scared of people, we will be able to help these dogs overcome any issues. I think they will probably create some stress at first as we adjust to them and they adjust to us, but eventually, they're bound to make us happy and become family members.
Ahh... is getting a pet always such a big deal? If it isn't, I think it probably should be.
Am I ready to be responsible for a dog? I think I am. I long for the companionship. I can't wait to take my dog or dogs for walks with Neil in our neighborhood. I want to take them to Petsmart on the weekends and I want them to curl up with me when I watch TV at night. I can go home at lunch every day to let them out and play with them. (I'll save money and calories that way, too.) I envision taking them with us when we go to Santa Fe to visit my parents. My mom will love them. I even want to take them on vacation with us. I want to make them feel loved and happy.
But will I be good enough to care for them? I think this doubt occurs anytime I up my responsibility. I felt it when I took Boo Boo home in a cardboard box and I am sure I will feel it if and when I decide to become a parent. Oh boy, I can't wait for nine months of self-doubt.
The more I think about it, I think the only thing making me wonder if Neil and I should drive to Denver and adopt the two dogs waiting for us there is concern about myself and my ability to be a good "parent" to them. I know they have some issues (didn't get much love from people for their first five years of life), but I am certain that Neil and I can help them get used to people and feel secure. I know we have a lot to offer and I also know that if we were able to train a bunny to use a litter box and not be scared of people, we will be able to help these dogs overcome any issues. I think they will probably create some stress at first as we adjust to them and they adjust to us, but eventually, they're bound to make us happy and become family members.
Ahh... is getting a pet always such a big deal? If it isn't, I think it probably should be.
Tuesday, April 06, 2004
Shoes
I am in the middle of two shoe battles of epic proportions... They haven't come to blows yet, but I won't be surprised if they do.
I somehow became responsible for picking bridesmaid shoes for two weddings this summer and I seem to be doing an abysmal job. I have spent several hours at work clicking through department store shoe departments and shoe websites online and e-mailing links to the bridesmaids and brides. I have gone to a department store to try these shoes on in person. I found the perfect shoe for one wedding, only to then learn that the bride didn't actually like the color and one or two bridesmaids decided, from a picture, that the shoe wouldn't be comfortable. Each time I e-mail a link to a shoe, someone else pitches in with another link to a shoe with a heel that's WAY too high or a price tag WAY too big.
Nobody is trying to be difficult, but I have come to realize that you just don't mess with women and their shoes. I personally do not want to buy two pairs of shoes that I will never wear again. And if we have to settle on shoes I will never wear again, can't they at least be inexpensive? I am sure that all eight of the other girls (four from one wedding and four from another) also want shoes that fit them just right and are exactly their taste. But I want to stand up at a podium and tell them that it just doesn't work that way... we can't ALL be comfortable and satisfied. That is why not everyone should be involved in the shoe-picking process. But it is too late... the battles have begun and I have to just sit back and see what happens.
Dogs
I am completely, entirely obsessed with getting a dog (or dogs). It can't just be any dog, it has to be a Maltese, or another similar-looking little white dog that I can fool myself into thinking is a Maltese. I have been to the humane society shelter, both city pounds (more than once) a gazillion animal rescue sites and I've applied with at least three rescues. I found a dog at each city pound that was absolutely perfect a couple weekends ago, but both had a long list of people signed up to adopt them. I thought I was going to get one of them when the shelter told me the first people didn't adopt her and I had until noon to come get her. I sped over there, leaving work, and was sooooo excited, but when I went to the window to fill out papers, they told me they'd made a mistake, the first people still had until 6 that night and I could come tomorrow if she hadn't been adopted. Of course, she was adopted.
Yesterday, I got a call from the Colorado Shih Tzu and Maltese Rescue saying that they have a pair of Malteses who are 5 years old and love to cuddle and need a home. I SOOOO want to go to Denver and get them. But it is two dogs and I only had Neil sold on one. I want them so much that I can hardly think about other things (except for bridesmaid shoes and the occasional thought about work...ohdeargodineedtogettowork) I think they sound perfect. They will need a little training, but other than that, they like people, are used to being around other animals so might bond with our bunny, are relatively young since they live to be 14-17...
I am in the middle of two shoe battles of epic proportions... They haven't come to blows yet, but I won't be surprised if they do.
I somehow became responsible for picking bridesmaid shoes for two weddings this summer and I seem to be doing an abysmal job. I have spent several hours at work clicking through department store shoe departments and shoe websites online and e-mailing links to the bridesmaids and brides. I have gone to a department store to try these shoes on in person. I found the perfect shoe for one wedding, only to then learn that the bride didn't actually like the color and one or two bridesmaids decided, from a picture, that the shoe wouldn't be comfortable. Each time I e-mail a link to a shoe, someone else pitches in with another link to a shoe with a heel that's WAY too high or a price tag WAY too big.
Nobody is trying to be difficult, but I have come to realize that you just don't mess with women and their shoes. I personally do not want to buy two pairs of shoes that I will never wear again. And if we have to settle on shoes I will never wear again, can't they at least be inexpensive? I am sure that all eight of the other girls (four from one wedding and four from another) also want shoes that fit them just right and are exactly their taste. But I want to stand up at a podium and tell them that it just doesn't work that way... we can't ALL be comfortable and satisfied. That is why not everyone should be involved in the shoe-picking process. But it is too late... the battles have begun and I have to just sit back and see what happens.
Dogs
I am completely, entirely obsessed with getting a dog (or dogs). It can't just be any dog, it has to be a Maltese, or another similar-looking little white dog that I can fool myself into thinking is a Maltese. I have been to the humane society shelter, both city pounds (more than once) a gazillion animal rescue sites and I've applied with at least three rescues. I found a dog at each city pound that was absolutely perfect a couple weekends ago, but both had a long list of people signed up to adopt them. I thought I was going to get one of them when the shelter told me the first people didn't adopt her and I had until noon to come get her. I sped over there, leaving work, and was sooooo excited, but when I went to the window to fill out papers, they told me they'd made a mistake, the first people still had until 6 that night and I could come tomorrow if she hadn't been adopted. Of course, she was adopted.
Yesterday, I got a call from the Colorado Shih Tzu and Maltese Rescue saying that they have a pair of Malteses who are 5 years old and love to cuddle and need a home. I SOOOO want to go to Denver and get them. But it is two dogs and I only had Neil sold on one. I want them so much that I can hardly think about other things (except for bridesmaid shoes and the occasional thought about work...ohdeargodineedtogettowork) I think they sound perfect. They will need a little training, but other than that, they like people, are used to being around other animals so might bond with our bunny, are relatively young since they live to be 14-17...
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