Sad Birthdays

I have had more than my share of sad birthdays. This year was another sad one, but somehow it was still ok, almost good. My mom called me around 11 yesterday and said "happy birthday" in a very sad tone and then told me that my great aunt Bessie died an hour earlier. I knew something was wrong already because it was the first birthday that my mom hadn't called me early in the morning and sang happy birthday to me. Her abandoning this tradition was proof that all was not well.

My aunt Bessie was the wisest woman I have ever known. When I was little and we would visit her at her home in Michigan, I used to feel like I was on a pilgrimage to my profit or oracle. I was on a long journey to visit the little old woman who would impart wisdom and help me to see. We would sit on her fragile-seeming furniture in the front room of her small house, or was it a duplex? She would offer us food or drink and then we'd talk. Bessie had a deep calm about her, the calm of someone who is completely self-assured and knows exactly what is and is not important. The rest of us were struggling through life and she already had it figured out. She was a little treasure. I wore the old perals she gave me for my Bat Mitzvah around my wrist on my wedding day to honor Bessie because she couldn't be there and my grandmatold me that Bessie was touched by the gesture. Bessie died on my 25th birthday and she was 93 years old.

It is easy to be sad when losing someone special, but hard to be too sad at the death of someone in their mid-90's. But, Bessie was the last member of my grandma's immediate family. She has lost two parents, a brother, two husbands and now a sister. Is the curse of living longest lonlieness? I just want her not to be sad. Simplistic, maybe, but that's what I want.

We spent the afternoon with my grandma yesterday, helping her pack for her flight to Michigan. (Neil had my birthday off from work and I left work after talking to my mom.) After looking at old pictures and laughing and crying with my grandma, we said goodbye and went to eat thai food (yumm) and rent a movie (whale rider). So this birthday was a mix of saddness and normalcy. I have had at least two friends suggest that I start celebrating my half birthday instead of my birthday... but I am going to give Nov. 3 a couple more tries before getting that drastic.