I am Jewish
I was at a wedding tonight and going into it, Neil and I knew we'd probably be the only Jewish people in attendance. This is not something I usually think about when going somewhere, but our friends are very religious and Jesus was mentioned more than a few times on their wedding web site, so we knew we might be a little different than most of the wedding guests.
The wedding was great and the party was on a yacht, which was even cooler than it sounds. Everyone was very friendly and we met a lot of friends and family of the bride and groom which is always fun. The bride was beautiful and it was fantastic to see our two friends so in love with each other.
At dinner, we ate with the couple's marriage coaches from the church. Basically, the marriage coaches are a happily married couple that volunteer to council new couples pre- and post-wedding. They were very nice and very committed to their coaching. They said that two of the three couples they coached last year didn't end up getting married. (Wow - think of how much the divorce rate might drop if every couple had to go through similar counseling before getting married.)
I suppose it was inevitable that they would ask what I do for work. I started with, "PR and Marketing for a nonprofit." Then they asked what kind of non profit and I explained that we bring high school students to DC to teach them about the political system and about political and social involvement. And then they asked how we select our high school students at which point I explained that all of our students are Jewish. I told them how we teach the students that Judaism demands that we be involved and take an active role in making the world a better place.
With all of the explaining out of the way, the woman doing the questioning said, "So to do that kind of work do you have to be that?" (or something close to that) I believe she wanted to ask, "Are you Jewish?" but for some reason couldn't bring herself to do it. I took her awkwardness in stride and said that you don't have to be Jewish to work in my office, but I am Jewish. This was somewhat of a watershed moment for me. Even though I am proud of who I am, I have not often felt comfortable coming out as Jewish. It is hard for me to say, "I am Jewish" - probably because of reactions I have gotten throughout my life and because I grew up in a place where not many people were Jewish.
The rest of the conversation at dinner was peppered with people's Jewish experiences - which were VERY limited. The stories ranged from a neighbor who invited someone to his bar mitzvah, and e-mail with a link to a video about Israeli soldiers, another neighbor who shared hamantaschen at Purim, a recently attended Jewish/Catholic wedding, and, a trip to the National Holocaust Museum. No matter where we tried to steer the conversation, if there was a tiny bit of silence, someone would pull out another Jewish story.
Everyone was very nice, and I know they were trying to find commonalities and create conversation, but I couldn't help but to feel a bit uncomfortable. I would have rather someone said, "I haven't met very many Jewish people, can I ask you some questions?" than run through every experience they ever had with a Jewish person as if I would, for some reason, care deeply.
What if Neil and I had been the only Black people at the table? Would we have received a litany of stories about our fellow diners' Black schoolmates and coworkers? I somehow suspect that most people know that would be inappropriate.
I am not offended and I actually think that the couple and the other woman at our table are very nice people. I wouldn't mind having dinner with them again someday, though I doubt that will happen. I just wish that they could have seen themselves tonight. Or I wish I could have found a tactful way to let them know what they were doing. "Hey, you're embarrassing yourself by telling me about every Jew you've ever met." Maybe I should have started telling all of my own Christian stories? I really have no idea what I could have done to stop them and make things less awkward. Probably nothing - it's just human nature.
Maybe I should be thanking them, really, because before all of the inane stories about their bar mitzvah experiences, they gave me a chance to say "I am Jewish" out loud and to feel proud of making that declaration. I am sure there are a litany of reasons as to why I am now, at age 28, finally able to embrace my religion as part of my identity and feel proud of it (I am working for a Jewish organization, I have met lots of Jewish friends since moving to DC, I am more comfortable with myself overall, etc.) But it feels good to be able to own my religious identity and even when it's a little scary, to be able to say "I am Jewish".
Sunday, September 16, 2007
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2 comments:
Sounds like you handled it very gracefully even as your tablemates were behaving like complete dopes. :)
I think people just don't have a clue, a lot of the time, about what others would find offensive. I have a close friend who is of mixed race and strangers regularly come up to her to tell her how "exotic" she looks and to ask "what ARE you?" They think they're being complementary when in fact she just gets irritated because they're more interested in the color of her skin than they are in who SHE is... She usually responds by saying, "I'm a child of God. What are YOU?", which gets the point across nicely. :)
It's so interesting, to me, how people are completely unwilling to say what they're actually thinking, fearing it would be offensive, when in fact what does come out of their mouths is more offensive than just admitting ignorance in the first place. God forbid we don't know everything about EVERYTHING!
Anyway, you're a beautiful, intelligent woman who happens to be Jewish! If they were uncomfortable with that, that's THEIR problem. You know? It's awesome that you can own exactly who you are and to state it without fear (even if you felt fearful)... :)
~Zee
Well, they were awkward and being a bit stupid, but look on the bright side: you were at a very Christian event where God and Jesus were practically guests of honor, and nobody said "You are wrong for not believing Jesus is your savior", or, "Have fun burning in Hell". In their very backwards way, they were accepting and trying to make you feel comfortable in what they realized must have been an overtly Christian crowd. Which is fine, to each his own, but they made an effort, however ignorant and misguided.
I have friends who are gay and have to deal with people telling them about every gay person they know or going out of their way to introduce them to other gay people, and their reaction is the same: A for effort, but stop embarrassing yourself.
Hopefully for these particular people you met, they will calm down next time they are around a Jewish person and become more comfortable with other religions. The best thing you can do is be yourself and help other people learn about your religion, which I think you did and were very graceful, despite their fumblings.
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