The Glory of Speakers

I just want to say that after about nine months of having no speakers on my computer at work, I am THRILLED to have working speakers. I celebrated them by listening to all the cheesy forwarded e-mails people have sent me recently. That was not so enjoyable. But then I found some Howard Dean scream remixes....wonderful. And yesterday, Britten sent me a link to the most hilarious website about William Hung -- American Idol reject extrordinare. I somehow have managed to miss all but one episode of American Idol this time around, but Mr. Hung has made me really regret that fact.
However, I think that I disagree with him suddenly becoming more famous than I am just because he can't sing. I can't sing! Why am I not famous? On the other hand, his fame is the kind where everybody is just laughing at him (everyone except for all the women writing into the website who want to marry him.). I would rather be famous and have everyone be awed by me.. or something. Laughter = good but not when it's at me.

Confession

O.K. I know this is sooo 1996, but I got an e-mail from the Dave Matthews Band fan club yesterday (yes, you can assume that since I got an e-mail from the fan club I am a member of the fan club.) Anyway, the e-mail was a list of concerts this summer and they're coming here!!! This is very exciting because my fan club membership will allow me to get really good seats and because the date is on a day when I am not obligated to attend any weddings! (a rarity this coming summer)


Weekend

I am so very excited that the weekend is beginning right now. Tomorrow, we are actually going skiing provided I don't suffer any bodily harm between now and 9:30 tomorrow morning. Tonight it is cloudy and cold and I am going to go home and curl up with Neil and some hot chocolate. In fact, maybe I'll leave a little early...

Moving On

I did it. This morning I logged onto the John Edwards website and signed up as a supporter. I did not contribute any money or anything.. but I might. There are rumors about him forming an alliance with Dean... I think that's great. I'm glad things are getting a little exciting in this race and I can tune in again. It's also good to have a new underdog to support. (heh)

Looking Back

O.K. So apparently I signed up with Classmates.com in 2001 while living in El Paso. It was probably during one of my bored spells at work in between being sent to the U.S./Mexico border for a crime story and covering Mrs. So and So's prize-winning rose garden. I don't remember signing up, and I haven't visited the site since, but every time someone from one of my three schools signs up, good old Classmates.com e-mails me to let me know. Thank God, right? I have Hotmail filtering the classmates e-mails right to junk mail. But today it occurred to me that I should just unsubscribe from the thing. I am always interested in reducing spam, especially when it's actually self-inflicted spam.

So, I opened the message telling me about the 7 new contacts from Northwestern University and scrolled to the bottom where I clicked on the unsubscribe link. But, the tricky masterminds of Classmates.com don't let you unsubscribe without your password. I, of course, do not know my password since I don't even remember signing up... so I had to request it. Then I got it and had to use it. Who has signed up in my 30-person high school class -- I wondered.

Now some backstory: I went to a private high school. My boyfriend during senior year went to a public high school. We had a terrible breakup and by most accounts a terrible relationship, although there were some high points. I have not spoken to him since we broke up... or really close thereafter. His family moved away. I have no idea where he is. Every couple of years, I will do a random internet search for his name (too common) and I did look for him on Friendster (no luck), but I haven't made great efforts to find him. I think I wrote him one letter during my freshman year of college. I gave him an update on the life and times of Jodi and then wrote something like, "If you don't write back, I will never bother you again." Or at least that's what I think I wrote. In any case, I never heard back.

So today, on my high school's alumni list from my year I saw his name. This is funny because he didn't go to my school and could only have been looking for me when he signed up like he did go to my school. It's also funny because he's been listed there for who knows how long and I could have found him at any time. Of course, he was probably lured there by the same banner ad or massive boredom that drew me into the classmates evil empire and he didn't leave any information in his profile and maybe he never checked back in, just like me. I could try to e-mail him through the e-mail address he has on file, but it would cost $35 to get the gold membership. And, while I am curious about what happened to him and who he has become... I don't think I'm $35 curious... and I guess that alone says a lot.

DISASTER:

I just typed a long post about:

Howard Dean's announcement that he's dropping out of the race. (sad but expected and possibly overdue)

John Edwards' good show in Wisconsin. (I hope he beats Kerry)

The WB's lameness. (they're canceling Angel and I think Angel rocks...ohdeargod I might have to start watching something like The Newlyweds for entertainment next fall.

The fact that Valentine's Day sucks the romance out of all things romantic and makes them seem contrived. (but I still had a good day with Neil this year)

And a Yoga class with my dad that made the tips of my shoulders hurt. (who knew that shoulder tip pain was possible?)

but then something bizarre happened and the whole entry was erased so you only get this cliff's notes version.

Tomorrow will be a better day.

Tori Spelling

Lat week, my guilty pleasure, Gawker posted a link to Tori Spelling's wedding registry. I, being a former 90210 fan, felt compelled to check it out. I scrolled through the Williams Sonoma registry and relished the fact that somebody so famous would register for a bunch of kitchen stuff. I even found one or two items that I've purchased for friends off their registries. "Ah, famous people might be normal after all," I thought. The Tiffany registry was a little more obnoxious, but I was mostly struck by the crystal and how completely undesirable it is to me. Then I closed the Spelling registries and went back to work.

Now, almost two weeks after the original Gawker post, a bunch of people who don't actually know Tori or her soon-to-be husband have been buying her gifts. I think this is at once hilarious and pathetic. I entertained the idea of purchasing her one of the low-ticket items for about 35 seconds until I realized, my $10 would be better off going to charity than to a TV star with a huge family fortune. It's not like sending an early gift would prompt her to befriend me and invite me to her nuptials. And even if it did, would I really want to go? I liked Jenny Garth and Luke Perry better anyways.

That's it... It's Friday, what did you expect... something deep about politics? Ha.

OMG

Everyone who reads this must go directly to the Drudge Report and begin cheering... Maybe I can tune back into the primary politics after all. Yippee for excitement and drama and second chances.

Late

I have been meaning to update all week. I even thought of a few good blogging entries last weekend and was saving them for Monday. And yet, it is now somehow Thursday and I am finally getting around to posting. Where did the week go?

Snow

Right now I am watching snow flutter down outside and melt on the pavement. There are a few little piles of snow clinging to the dirt that covers the construction site across the street. I wish it would stick. I am longing for the snow banks of Chicago winters that don't melt for weeks. I miss the little footpaths on the sidewalks that only accommodate single-file one-way traffic. Yes, I am completely insane. But, there is something so wonderful about being almost literally snowed in and drinking hot chocolate while wearing all your warmest clothes and gazing out the window at the snow falling.

Movies

Last weekend I finally saw Lost In Translation. I had heard so many people talk about how it is a dark movie and is not funny so I was really dreading seeing it at all. But my parents bought the DVD and we watched it on their REALLY BIG television and I absolutely love Lost in Translation. It is right up there with my all-time favorite movies. Why? I love its simplicity. I am fascinated with what it implies about our ability to adapt in foreign places and, less literally, unfamiliar situations. I think the movie was full of hope and I have always been interested in those life-affirming and life-changing relationships that are fleeting and based on place and circumstance. It is definitely deserving of all the hype.

Boo Boo

My bunny is sick again. She won't eat. Neil and I chased her around last night for an hour trying to get her to drink some pineapple juice from an oral syringe. (apparently, if you can get the animal to ingest the juice, it helps break up anything blocking their digestive track.)

So I didn't sleep very well last night because I was worried about her. This morning I got up and called a bunch of vets and got her an appointment at 9. Neil took her. Now we have some medicine that we have to get her to eat. She's apparently bloated and might not be eating because she feels full even though she's probably not full of food, just gas. Rabbits can not get rid of gas unless it's pushed out by food. (fascinating fun fact of the day from this great website)

All of these dramatics over our little bunny have made me think about attachment. I am very attached to Boo Boo. It didn't happen all at once. For a long time, we were completely fed up with her and wanted to give her away. I nearly took her to the Humane Society on several occasions like when she chewed through my keyboard cord about four hours before a big deadline or moved her litter box and peed on the carpet underneath it for the gazillionth time and I was convinced she was doing it to piss me off. But after 2.5 years of having her around, I can't imagine life without her. My house would seem so empty. It would be so sad. I realize this is all just basic human nature, but it's interesting that I cannot rationalize this attachment away. I can tell myself that she's just a little animal who will only live for four to six years anyway and she's not a human etc. etc. But I have a relationship with her and she knows me and I like to think she loves me, so that attachment I feel is not going away. I just hope she feels better and starts eating soon so I can start sleeping again.

Work

Is very frustrating at the moment. I have to get back to it.

Hair Yesterday...Gone Today

I have no hair. Yesterday, I was basking in the glory of curly hair that extended slightly below my shoulders and today I am nearly hairless. My golden locks were lopped off by a scissors-happy hairdresser and I can't even call my hair shoulder length. Neil and some co-workers think it's cute. One co-worker even told me that she'd die for a do like this one. I can't tell if they're all lying and snickering under their breath or if they actually like me as the hairless wonder. I look nearly like a 1970s chick with a curly afro... but not quite.

How did I end up like this? First of all, one out of every four haircuts I get ends very badly, so I should not be acting so surprised. All I asked him to do was help me to make my hair more bouncy and less flat. I also asked him to take off a little length but not much. I have no idea how that translated to "Please chop off all my hair so that it will take many months for me to look normal again." But apparently, it did.

Politics Schmolitics

Oh how the presidential primaries are so depressing. Dean is making a last ditch effort to win Wisconsin and I am praying it will work. Especially after reading this stunning article about John Kerry. I know you can't believe everything you read, but the more I learn about Kerry, the more despicable he seems. If he is the nominee, I will support him...but I sure wish I could find some positive things to like about him. Him being an elitist prick who makes the city remove a fire hydrant so he can park his SUV and gets his bank account fattened up with special interest money is not really something I'm excited about.

In other political news, Maureen Dowd, my favorite columnist, makes some very good points about father and son Powell. I wish I'd written this one myself. As much as I disapprove of Janet's objectification of herself and women in general, I also wish the country would get over it already. She pulled a stupid stunt... I'm not convinced that we should be wasting valuable time and money investigating it. As bad as it was, it was just a boob after all. Isn't it time to start paying attention to important things like say, being led into war based on false information? And maybe all those people in states that haven't yet voted in the democratic primary should start thinking about whether they want a snooty millionaire with lots of dirty laundry to be their nominee and if not, maybe, instead of thinking about tittygate, they should start volunteering for Howard Dean.

The End?

I hate to be a predictor of doom, but I don't think there's a whole lot of hope for my pal Howard Dean.

Last night, I got home and turned on my beloved enemies, CNN and MSNBC. I was only going to check in once in a while and I planned to do other things resembling productivity around the house last night. But, I got sucked in. I watched from about 6p.m. until 9p.m. and it was so depressing. Edward's win in South Carolina was exciting, as was his brief and exuberant speech early in the night. (Although, I couldn't help but notice all the areas where he copied Howard Dean) Kerry's wins were just boring. His interviews were boring. His face is boring, although the Botox has helped a bit. I am not excited by Kerry.

The only thing I find exciting about Kerry's recent success is that polls (oh, how I hate them) are showing him ahead of George W. Now that is definitely something I can get behind, even if it's not whole-hearted.

The truth is, I really really like Howard Dean. I am still holding out hope. But it's rapidly shrinking. I still have all the faith in the world that he'd be an amazing president. But it just doesn't look like the Democrats are going to nominate him. Last night, after the New Mexico results were finally in, I unceremoniously removed my Dean sign from the front window of my house. Then I took the bumper sticker out of my car window and took the button off my bag. Of course, I saved it all so that if he does miraculously get the nomination I can put the m up again. But I'm not betting on it.

I got to almost meet Howard Dean on Friday night. He was in town for a rally and Neil was interviewing him. I got a press pass and masqueraded as media so I could be in the room with him for the interview. The main impression I had was that he looked and sounded exhausted. He also seemed kind... in the way you can sense kindness in a person just by being in their presence. He was not, however, at the top of his game. The Univision station wanted to interview him in Spanish, but he told them he'd need to read his script to speak in Spanish. Neil asked him a question about union endorsements and Dean couldn't remember the name of AFSCME. It was as if he had been going for too long. The campaign had literally worn him down. He was pumped at the rally. He said the same stuff, but his enthusiasm was palpable and the crowd loved him. But as Neil removed the microphone from Dean's tie and I turned to walk out of the room, I felt deflated like the candidate. Hundreds of thousands of us have been with Howard Dean thinking we couldn't loose. Hopefully, all the voters that Dean brought into the political process won't become disenchanted and disengage. We need them to beat Bush. I'll do anything to help in that effort.

O.K. there are certainly more important topics to discuss today, but I have to add my voice to the millions of other voices blabbing about Janet Jackson's tit. I wasn't actually watching the Super Bowl. In fact, for the first time in years... maybe ever, I didn't have the television on at all for the entire Super Bowl. But, Neil and I like to watch the commercials, so we recorded the whole thing and now I think of that little VHS tape in our VCR with dread because I know the horror it holds.

I heard about the boob appearance last night and envisioned a brief cameo. I thought maybe she was wearing a blouse or something and the rapid bouncing of her dance caused an escape... but then I checked out the pictures at the DRUDGE REPORT (warning the previous link should not be clicked on at work)... Oh my. That was no accident. And to make matters worse, it was disgusting. If you're going to bare your breast during dinnertime on the most watched television program of the year, you should at least make sure you're perky and that it looks hot instead of revolting. Granted... the binding nature of her outfit probably helped make the boob look weird and disproportionate... but come on. Why is it that pop stars are in this disgusting game of oneupsmanship? We have Christina and Brittney getting more and more skanky by the minute, that whole kissing thing with Madonna, and now Janet is jumping into the fray by disrobing on live TV.

I am not at all conservative and really have no problem with most things sexual and otherwise. But when famous women proceed to objectify themselves, what hope is there for the rest of us? Unless Justin Timberlake was going to drop his pants at the same time, I think Janet Jackson's exhibitionism was a disservice to women around the world. She made herself look stupid, but she also made a few more men out there think that women should be popping their boobs out more often. She objectified herself and little boys all over the country who were watching the Super Bowl with their fathers got a terrible example of how women behave, got to see a woman as an object.

Personally, when I saw the stunning pictures of last night's performance, I felt ashamed.

Against 24-Hour News:

I have decided that the advent of 24-hour news, rather than keep people informed, has done great damage to our political process. I have heard others say similar things from time to time and have adamantly disagreed. "24-hour news is great," I said. "I can turn the TV on at any time and find out what's happening with the war in Iraq or who's on top in the presidential race." I used to cite things like the 2000 presidential election as proof of why 24-hour news was so terrific. But now I think I was a total fool for ever falling in love with CNN and MSNBC.

Here's the deal. Even during a huge news event like the 2000 election or the beginning of the Iraq war, there is no need for 24-hour coverage all the time. Of course, the networks had to stay on all night on election night when the votes were being tallied and Gore, no Bush, no Gore... was winning. And of course we wanted to see the night sky over Baghdad as we attacked Iraq, but I can't think of any event that would call for more than a few days of nonstop coverage. (We all know that the following month after the election in 2000 we were subjected to watching Floridians staring at hanging chads for countless hours of riveting coverage.) When we're not experiencing some cataclysmic event, or even when we are, the networks need to fill time and that's when we get into trouble. Instead of creating thoughtful coverage, the anchors, who don't actually have the time to create thoughtful coverage, call in Joe Schmo Expert Someone Or Other and the coverage becomes thoughtless noise. (And that's the best case. What about all the people who were so psychologically scarred because they couldn't turn on a TV without seeing the World Trade Center collapsing for at least three months after Sept. 11.)

For a lack of anything better to do, CNN and MSNBC conduct multiple polls daily and then invite right wingers and left wingers and in-betweeners into the studios to comment on the poll numbers of the hour. Dean is shown to have a few percentage points less than Kerry and some asshole spends ten minutes talking about why this particular poll, Poll Number 5,263 of the election season, means that Dean's candidacy is doomed for certain. The next day, the same idiot is on TV saying that Dean is probably going to run away with the nomination because of a jump in the polls. (this poll being Poll Number 5,558 of the election season) It is my conviction that these pundits and the polls that fuel their commentating are doing a great injustice to the American political process.

Can you imagine who you would vote for if you didn't know who was behind and who was ahead in the poll of the moment? What if you read one newspaper story a day and saw one television news story a night about the campaign? You might have heard about Howard Dean's infamous scream, but would you have also heard the personal opinion of no less than 20 different politicos about what the scream would do to Dean's candidacy? Would you have heard the Dean Scream remix? Or what about yesterday... How many times did I see Joe Lieberman stand up in front of a room of supporters and tell them that he had Joementum? If I saw it only once I might have laughed. But I saw it four times just during the 30 minutes I was on the treadmill last night. And by the time I read my workout summary on the eliptical machine and headed to the weight room I was thinking that Lieberman was pretty much an idiot. (and I used to like him) Television has the uncanny ability to magnify one moment and turn it into an eternity by replaying and commentating and polling and picking apart. The men and women who are spouting off their predictions on TV are creating self-fulfilling prophecies. How many times does a voter need to be told that their candidate has no chance before they pick someone else in an effort not to waste a vote? If we didn't have this insane news cycle who would be ahead right now? Would Kucinich have received some votes? I don't know, but I imagine things would be very different.

Toward a Solution:

I know that most people in the media do not want to harm our democracy. They got into the profession to protect it. But I also know that news organizations are under a great deal of pressure to have the most recent and relevant information and to have everything first. Somehow this has turned into the game of who can conduct the most polls in a day and who can have more political insiders commenting on the polls. "Quick, call our polling company and have them call 500 voters. We need the numbers in an hour," I can imagine a news director shouting. I know the news networks aren't going to be silent any time soon and as much as I am frustrated with them, I don't even know if I could live without them... but what if everyone did a poll truce. What if CNN, MSNBC, FOX, BBC, ABC, CBS all got together and agreed to stop the polling madness and what if they agreed to all wait until a certain time after the polls closed on election days to announce the winners of elections. What if everyone went back to their newsroom and created thoughtful coverage that would inform voters about the candidates and then aired that instead of letting talking heads spout opinions and predictions? What if presidential candidates arrived at election day with records that had been fully examined by the media but personal lives and facial expressions and gestures that had not been visciously pecked apart. What if our politicans and potential politicians were allowed to keep just a shred of dignity during the election process? What if journalism discovered the line between responsibly informing the public about candidates and pandering to ratings?

Is this realistic? Maybe not. But the media needs to stop and think about what has happened to politics in America before it is too late and too late could be coming more quickly than we realize.



Some People Out There Might Agree With Me:

Read this very good and tangentially related article about the scream.

First things first:

Have you heard about the documentary: Super Size Me: A Film of Epic Proportions?

The director ate nothing but McDonald's for 30 days to find out the health effects it would have on him and guess what? He got fat. But he also had a liver akin to an alcoholic's at the end of the month and lost his sex drive among other things. Now, it's not like I thought McDonald's was good for you, but I also didn't realize that it was that terrible for you. This has made me not want to eat fast food ever again and I haven't even seen the movie. It recently (yesterday, I think) won the best director award at Sundance and so, I think it might actually be released in theatres, despite expected opposition from Mickey D's. I can't wait to see it.

The weekend:

Skiing was out and I spent most of the weekend flat on my back with my feet in the air... but, my back is feeling mostly better. (whewh) And, we got to see FAME the musical on Sat. night which was fun. I don't think it's the best musical I've ever seen. I liked Rent thousands of times better, but I enjoyed Fame and hearing the old TV show theme song was fun as was seeing all the legwarmers. :)

On Sunday, Neil and I went to Acoma Sky City, the oldest continually inhabited city in the U.S. The Acoma tribe gives tours of the town, which is on top of a mesa and has no running water or electricity. Some of the newer houses are 500 years old. Our guide, Orlando, is a resident of Sky City. He's one of 30 people who still live there full time and he was amazing as a guide. He told us about the Spanish conquistadors who forced the tribe to build the catholic church beginning in 1629 and completed in 1640. The church, San Esteban del Rey, still stands on the mesa today. Orlando told us how the tribespeople built the church with dimensions that corresponded to sacred numbers in their own native religion. He told us about the matriarchal society and the cemetery that is 40 feet deep and contains layers of Acoma ancestors all buried under dirt that was carried to the top of the mesa.

Orlando spoke very quickly, used distinct hand gestures and interspersed words in his tribal language. When asked about this he said that he was speaking to us in three languages at once and that he spoke quickly because he wanted us to understand what he was telling us but not to remember everything because he wants to keep his oral history. It worked. I don't remember much of what he told us. I wish I took notes. But I left with this almost cheesy feeling that Orlando had given me a gift. I had been allowed into this sacred place and some greater wisdom was imparted to me... about survival and connectedness and strength. I will have to go back to the Sky City...

Meanwhile, I am crossing my fingers for Howard Dean tomorrow.... But I'm also going to try not to watch this time. (yeah right)

Back Pain and Political Obsessions

Ok. My back hurts. It's not just an ache, it's a full-on super-strength pain that I can't ignore. I have no idea how I did this to myself. Current theory: crunches at the gym last night. Lame. I have nothing else to say about this unfortunate situation.

In other news, I need to cease my obsession with politics. It is out of control. I can't stop reading political news stories. The Gawker people came up with a new political web log and I almost jumped out of my chair when I found out about it. (I probably would have leapt up were it not for the fact that my back hurts so much I can hardly move.) Wonkette seems like it has potential. I wish I'd started it.

I suppose Neil is not a help in curbing my political problem. Last night we watched a DVD he ordered about CNN's coverage of the 2000 election and then when it ended we flipped to Fox News (evil) where they were re-broadcasting last night's debate and watched that. I swear I would get a thousand times more work done if I wasn't compelled to search the web for campaign news daily.

New life plan of the moment: Run for president.

In the meantime, my weekend plans (skiing tomorrow, rollerblading Sunday) have seemingly been destroyed by the back disaster of '04. Very frustrating. Maybe I will read two more books this weekend to get on track for the 52 book plan?

And now, back to politics:

Highlight of last night's debate: Clark's clever answer to his party-affiliation issues: "I'm pro-choice, pro-affirmative action, pro-environment, pro-labor. I was either going to be the loneliest Republican in America or I was going to be a happy Democrat."
And Dean's good humored reaction to Sharpton's quote of the evening: "Well, first of all, let me say this. I wanted to say to Governor Dean, don't be hard on yourself about hooting and hollering. If I had spent the money you did and got 18 percent, I'd still be in Iowa hooting and hollering." (Debate Transcript)

Goals for the weekend: Relax, Resist watching news, Read, Heal my back.

Catching Up

*New Orleans was awesome. Not only is the city below sea level/filled with fascinating history/more like a European city than an American one/populated by the most friendly and polite people on the planet, but, the seven of us had an amazing time there. We went on a haunted history tour while drinking Hurricanes (New Orleans like Las Vegas has no open container laws). We saw the Real World house, toured the garden district, ate at an amazing place called Mother's, saw awesome jazz at a club, walked around on Bourbon Street (truly terrifying) and had a really good time being girls at our hotel.


I could have stayed for another week exploring and having girl time, but the weekend was really refreshing. Perhaps the best part... nobody puked. Thanks Clea, Britten, Walker, Zandra, Nancy and Rachel for a teriffic time. Can't wait for Rachel's wedding in June!

* The Iowa Caucuses were a different story. I began to suspect that things night might not go well for my candidate (Howard Dean) about a week before the caucus... It was at that point that I decided not to watch. I was going to just read the paper in the morning and spare myself the agony of early predictions and political pundits. But, Neil had the night off and wanted to have a caucus party. So, I caved. Like I really would have been able to sit around watching American Idol without flipping back and forth to CNN and CSPAN, anyway. So we had a party and invited all of our political-minded friends which meant we ended up with two guests, Nancy and Colleen (another reporter at Neil's station). We drank a bottle of wine and we all faced the fact that we're humongous political junkies/nerds.

Howard Dean's third place finish was disappointing, but I was bracing myself for it. I was not, however prepared for his speech. The growling yell he burst into was unexpected, but didn't seem terrible to me... it just seemed like he was trying to be upbeat for his room full of supporters, but the media has lambasted him. I'm ashamed to admit that I even laughed at the Leno monologue last night when he said something about Dean's aids having to shoot him with tranquilizers to end his speech. But enough already. Give the guy a break. People are actually saying his candidacy is over not because of his third place finish but because of his speech. I think it's appalling that the media has the power to make such pronouncements. I've seen more editorializing on the news in recent weeks than ever before...

*Last night's State of the Union address made me nauseous. Bush's pie in the sky plans without funding were transparent. The highlights: eye-rolling by various democrats including Hillary Clinton, the clapping after Bush said that part of the Patriot Act will expire next year, my secret hope that most Americans realized what a load of crap the president was delivering.

*Neat fact: Did you know that John Edwards (despite looking like a 35-year-old) is actually 50!!!!!!!!

*Declaration: I need a break from politics.

*New Years Resolution Updates:
-I have read almost two books... which makes me a little behind, but well on my way to the goal of 52 books by 2005.
-I have been going to the gym at least three times a week since late Nov. (I started early so that I wasn't one of those January gym people because those people a) never make it to the gym past the first of Feb. b) always seem so desperate and c) are really annoying to the regulars.)
- I have taken copious notes when I've felt inspired to write but haven't had the time so that when I have the time, I will also have the inspiration. (we'll see if this new method works)

*Mid-January Resolution: I will update my blog more often.

In a couple hours I am driving to the airport where I'll board a plane and fly to New Orleans. Every time I tell someone I'm going to New Orleans for a Bachelorette weekend, I get strange "Oh. My. God. You are so wild and crazy" looks, which is hilarious actually because this group of girls I'm meeting up with is not the wild and crazy type. At all.

I am most certainly not wild and crazy. I sometimes harbor the romantic notion that I could be mistaken for a wild girl... but I need to face the facts: I am not crazy. I might have been a little crazy in high school and I may still harbor the soul of a crazy girl somewhere deep inside...

Anyway, I am really looking forward to my not so crazy weekend in New Orleans. Being with friends is fun (as I may have mentioned in previous blog postings).

If the weekend turns out to actually be WILD and CRAZY I will be sure to inform my reading public...

Off to the airport.

New Years Eve

This was the first year since 2000 that New Years was better than I expected it to be. Granted, I wasn't really expecting much, but it was truly terrific. I went to dinner at my favorite Thai restaurant with Topher, Lotus, Rebecca, Sarah and Chris (yumm) then we all went to my house where we were joined by Nancy and Justin and at 10:30, after we had finished watching him on TV, Neil came home. I got sufficiently drunk...but I think Chris and Topher and even Neil were all a bit more drunk than I was. We played trivial pursuit, drank wine and champagne and ate brie and fresh-baked rolls from a bakery. Topher and Chris taught Neil how to do "the butt", a classy dance that consists of wagging your butt around in the air in unison with the other people performing "the butt". Topher and I were the dream team in trivial pursuit and got three wedges on our first turn, but then we both got a bit too drunk to repeat our stunning success on any of our subsequent turns. Oh well...

Overall, it was really wonderful to have a house filled with friends and to laugh and just to feel warm and connected...surrounded...part of something larger than myself. What a good way to begin my anticipated new beginning that is 2004.

ahhh... The holidays. Here I am, midway through the big finale of 2003. I spent the last five days staying at my parents' house in Santa Fe, always a weird experience since I no longer seem to fit there, in a literal and figurative sense. When I was in college or just out of college and my brother went to boarding school, my mom took over one of the bedrooms, leaving only the smallest room in the house as a guest room. That summer, my brother came home and converted half of the garage into a very cool room but since one wall is just an un-insulated garage door, the room is completely uninhabitable in the winter. And so, Dustin, Neil and I shared one room with two beds for the holiday. Dustin slept on the couch in the living room and Neil and I waded through the mounds of clothes that Dustin had strewn on the floor and the four suitcases I brought with me. (if you counted my purse, I brought a bag for each day of my stay)

Despite the crowded, displaced feeling I have at my parents' house, I had a really good five days. I saw a bunch of high school friends that I now only see once a year. I did the annual Christmas Eve walk to look at the faralitos and bump into people I know. I got to spend some quality time with a few friends. I saw Rachel's wedding dress. I made lattkes for a last-chance Chanukah party with my family on the 26th. I went to the Catamount, which has somehow become a holiday tradition as well.

Overall, my time in Santa Fe left me feeling fulfilled. I got a big dose of my friends and a much-needed reminder that even though my life in Albuquerque is not overflowing with friends of my own age and a bubbling social life, I do have a lot of people out there who are good friends and who like to hang out with me. They just don't live anywhere near me. But at least they're out there.

Now I have two and a half days until 2004. I think a couple of friends will be coming to my house for New Years Eve. I, of course, have nothing planned for such an evening, but I'm looking forward to it anyway. I love New Years. I love the way the holiday invites us to make new beginnings and to renew our efforts to be good, to be better, to be kind and passionate. I am all for fresh starts, as often as I can get them.

Moving

It is kind of creepy, how natural it felt to build cardboard boxes and pack them up last week before the big office move of 2003. I was only putting my work life into boxes, but it felt like something I was supposed to be doing, as if moving has become part of my nature. It was as though the move saved me from some oncoming restlessness. If I get the chance to pack up boxes and purge junk every year or so I am content. I'm glad, however, that this move didn't take me to a new city or a new house, just a shiny new office building that still smells like paint.

Old Friends

There is really nothing better in the world than friends. I am especially fond of old friends. Most of my friends from high school are back in Santa Fe this week and it feels nice to know they are here. Last night, I sat around in a room with a bunch of them and even though some of us only talk once a year, it is still comforting to know that these people I grew up with are out there doing well and being happy. And it is somehow life-affirming that we can still get together and laugh every now and then. I like to laugh and laughing with friends is a fantastic feeling. I can't wait until Christmas Eve when I can leave work at noon and drive to Santa Fe for four and a half days of friend-filled fun.

Left Out?

At least two of my co-workers left the office with little gift baskets today. Was I left out of the present circuit? I hate feeling left out.

Many months ago, Neil put his name on a list of tennis players at the neighborhood public court hoping that some people who also have most mornings off would call him to play tennis.

A few weeks after his name and number were posted, I was at home one night when the phone rang. I answered to hear a very old-sounding voice on the other end asking for Neil. I proceeded to take a message. The man told me he was calling about tennis, and then he told me his name. "My name is Semen, S-E-Y-M-O-N" I almost cut him off and asked who was really calling. I was nearly convinced that one of our friends was just being funny. But nope, this man who wanted to play tennis with Neil was actually named Seymon, pronounced semen.

And so, Neil has been playing tennis with Seymon and some of Seymon's other old friends for at least six months...probably longer. About once a week we get a message from Seymon on the answering machine. Sometimes he says things like, "Neil, I'd like you to check your dance card and see if you can play tennis on Tuesday" Later he'll say to Neil, "I bet you've never heard of a dance card have you?"

Neil and I have taken to saying SeyMON when refering to Neil's tennis partner around the house... like we're the reggae-crazed kids I knew in high school who spoke in Jamaican accents. SeyMON is much less disturbing.

After months of wondering, Neil finally figured out that his weekly tennis partner is not just old, he's 85.

While I had talked to Seymon on the phone many many times, I had not met him until last night. Neil and I were invited to go to Seymon's house for a holiday cocktail party with some "tennis buddies" and their wives. So, at 7:30 we showed up and were the last guests to arrive. (the other two couples must have gotten their early?) Seymon bounced to the door and took our coats. He was wearing jeans and cowboy boots with a denim shirt under a leather western-style vest. He is a skinny and tall man with a nice white-whiskered face. He looks like he's 70 at the oldest. His wife, Jean, also looks fairly young, but she has recently lost her balance and now has great difficulty walking.

The other two couples were also at least in their 70s.

Neil and I sat in the living room surrounded by six people who could have been our grandparents and I was terrified. What will we talk about? Will they regret inviting little kids to their holiday party? But, we talked about food and cooking and snow and traveling and movies. Seymon, the gracious host, kept refilling our drinks and offering us food, and by the end of the evening, the people I met last night seemed less like old people and more like people. We had things in common to talk about and they were all very nice and treated us like we were peers and so it felt like we were. So now I am wondering if this means I am really an adult now. When the age difference begins to take on less importance and grandparent-types seem like people I could hang out with, have I completely left my childhood behind?

I am glad I finally met Seymon. He's a very cool person.

Oh...
I can't believe they caught Saddam Hussein. My dad called to tell me yesterday morning. I thought it was a joke.

I feel two ways about this news:
1) glad because this means that all the soldiers might get to come home sooner and it makes my country look a little bit less retarded. Glad because even if I want the president to fail, that doesn't mean I want my country to fail. Glad because a terrible tyrant is finally in captivity and can't hurt any more people.
2) not glad at all because this is another feather in Bush's cap that he doesn't deserve. It's another thing he can hold up and say he did and even though it shouldn't, it weakens the argument against this disaster of a war. It makes Bush look good when really, he's just lucky.

Just because it is good that Hussein is no longer a free man and is no longer in power, that does not mean it was good to start this unprovoked war. Especially when there is a man who is arguably much more dangerous to the U.S. still on the loose. Capturing Saddam Hussein, as terrific as it is, is just a diversion because Bush and his men can't find Osama. Now we have troops in two unstable countries and we are responsible for de-stabilizing two nations. We've got one evil dictator in captivity, but no guarantee that the terrible conditions in Afghanistan and Iraq are not breeding more men like Saddam and Osama, more people who hate America and Americans.

Thank goodness there is a lot of time before November's election so that people can come to see the way the snow is continually blown over our eyes by this administration.

In the meantime, I hope Saddam Hussein is made to pay for his crimes.

Backtracking
On Thursday night, I picked up Neil's mom and grandma at the airport. We had dinner at Chili's and then went to the house where we looked at photo albums and watched TV until Neil made his nightly appearance on the news and then came home. We all put on PJs and went to sleep.

I was incredibly stressed out between trying to finish up all my work so that I could pack my office and move to a new building and worrying about making the visit with Neil's family smooth. My mind was whirring and I could feel my blood pumping through my veins even as I buried my head in my pillow and tried to relax. I couldn't get comfortable and my breathing was fast and uneven. Just as I was about to get out of bed and pace the bedroom until I got tired, something miraculous happened, I fell asleep. I slept so well that I had dreams and couldn't remember them. It was the first night in months when I hadn't looked at the clock at least once and despite all the stress, I woke up feeling happy and refreshed. When I got out of the shower and raised the blinds, there was a thin layer of snow blanketing the ground, and as with all snowstorms, everything looked fresh and new.

Holiday Treats

I want to know why on earth everyone makes fattening cookies and fudge and candies and cakes and then distributes them to unsuspecting workplaces like they are doing something nice. I doubt that there are many Americans in this day and age who are not deeply concerned about the fat content of their food intake. Nobody wants to be fat and I believe we are all struggling to eat healthy and be active. It would really be nice if these goodie-givers would drop by the office once a year with celery sticks and low-fat dip along with their holiday cheer. Then I might feel inspired to send a thank you card.

The mother- and grandmother-in-law will be landing at an airport near me within the hour. Time to head to the arrivals gate. :)

I am old.

Ok, I know, you are thinking something like, "Hello, Jodi, you're only 25." But I feel old. Not physically so much. My body still mends quickly, loses and gains weight quickly and is mostly pain free. But I am 25 years old and not yet rich, not yet famous, not yet influential, not yet who I thought I was going to be.

That sounds very shallow. Allow me to explain. As part of my job, I am in charge of writing snappy articles about finances for a teenage audience. The girl who had this job before me subscribed to Teen People and YM magazines as sources of inspiration. This was a good move on her part since these magazines provide interesting ideas for my co-worker who designs the newsletter and examples of teen-friendly writing for me. The problem is that I often find myself reading these magazines from cover to cover. I would never buy them on the newsstand. Jane, Allure, Real Simple, In Style, Atlantic Monthly, The New Yorker, Newsweek and maybe maybe US Weekly -- these are the magazines I am allowed to buy at my age. But when I have the teen magazines sitting on my desk and come across something as captivating as an article about Mary Kate and Ashley and their plans for college, I cannot help myself. I have to read.

Today, I read the majority of Teen People and wasted about 40 minutes before I realized what I was doing. And what I discovered is that nearly everyone in the magazine was my age or younger. All of the new crop of famous girls are little kids. Kera Knightly is only 18! Then we have other teen sensations like Hillary Duff and Raven. Even Britney and Christina are younger than me. And the ones who are my age or older have been famous for eons already. I used to read teen magazines and think about how I would be in their pages someday for something amazing like writing a bestselling book at age 18 or being randomly discovered and transformed into an international film star. Now I am looking at kids as old as the neighbors I used to babysit who have achieved a very tangible form of success. Compound this with the recently gained knowledge that Sarah Michelle Gellar made $350,000 per episode during the last season of Buffy The Vampire Slayer and I feel like a failure.

It's not that I want to be a famous actress and let's face it, as much as I'd like to dream, rock stardom is probably not in my future. But I want to make a name for myself, make an impact. Be somebody of note, or at least somebody of merit.

Maybe this crisis is in part due to the fact that I used to be a...newspaper reporter...which was a heady thing to be at times. I had a power and a certain prominence that other people did not have and I also believed that I was doing something very important. So what if I was not making much money and was working for a corporate devil, I was doing something I believed in and I was making an impact. Now that I don't do that any more, I have sort of lost my focus. Where am I going again?

In high school and even in college, I always felt like I was in the process of becoming someone. There was an undefined state of being looming on the horizon. I knew I would get there someday and all the work would pay off. Then I graduated from college and I wasn't there yet so I fled back to graduate school. And here I am, one year after getting my MFA in writing and all I've published since then have been articles telling teenagers how to save their money. Sure, I received a few flattering rejection letters, but this won't do. I am 25 and I am still on my way to being whoever it is I am destined to become. I just hope I'm not too late, too old, past my prime.

I'm staring down the backside of my 20's at 30 and in this youth-obsessed culture, I am afraid that each day, I become less and less interesting.

(I am mostly sure that I will get over this soon, I just need to stay away from the teen magazines.)

Dinner with the elected official was great. He was very nice, as was his family and it was a blast to have little kids in our house for the first time. They found the toys within thirty seconds of walking in the door, even though the toys were in a bucket behind the couch. Amazing. It was like they could smell them or sense them on some other level... sonar perhaps?

Neil cooked and set the table and bought flowers and everything looked beautiful and the chicken was delicious. He was very cute during his Martha Stewart stint. It is great to know that my husband can put on a dinner party on his own.

The rest of the weekend went by quickly. Saturday was nice because Neil and I saw our new favorite Western band, Syd Masters & The Swing Riders, play at Barnes and Noble and then we looked through Annie's book, America 24/7 (Annie is on the staff of the group that put the whole thing together) and then we went to sushi and to see Elf, which was actually a really cute movie. I really enjoyed our date evening. We haven't had a ton of those in recent months.

I just read on CNN that Al Gore is rumored to have made the decision to endorse my man, Howard Dean. It is solid proof that I am a political dork/junkie that I got really excited when I read that and wanted to call everyone I knew. Wow. After at least a year of being a Dean supporter, I still find myself energized and psyched about his campaign. He makes mistakes sometimes and isn't always the best speaker, but he is so real and so charismatic. I think he will make a terrific president. If he doesn't win and none of the other democratic candidates win and we have to face four more years of the lunacy of Bush, I will have to seriously consider a move to someplace else... if other countries will still accept U.S. citizens at that point.

Recently I have been very much in need of serious intellectual stimulation. I think it has been too long since the glorious residencies in Bennington for graduate school. Those two weeks where I was so over-stimulated that I got my fill of talking to incredibly intelligent people about things I am passionate about (writing) for at least six months. Lately, other than long talks about the tax-exempt status of credit unions, I don't have tons of intellectual conversations. Not sure what the solution for this is. I would suggest going back to school... but I think I need to do something more amazing than that. I'll see what I can come up with.

Ever since I started my job last March, I have had a major problem being warm in my office. In the winter, no amount of heat seems to warm up my small square room. In the summer, I have to tape the air conditioning vent closed with masking tape and wear sweaters. I complained a little bit about this situation, but nobody ever said anything. I run a small space heater in my office every day and by 2 or 3 it approaches warm in here.

About a month ago, I was complaining about the icebox that I work in and one of the people I work with said something like, "That makes sense. Your office doesn't have any insulation."

Ah ha.

Nice of them to let me in on that little secret a full NINE months after I began working here. I need to find a way to de-dilbertify my life. Meanwhile, my fingers are freezing.

A co-worker just walked into my frigid lair carrying two bags of chocolate. One bag of Dove squares and one bag of Butterfinger Christmas bells. Of course, I helped myself to two of each. I say bring on the holiday bulge. Or as my Dove fortune (or do they call them promises) on the inside of the wrapper says "Add a little sweetness to your day"

My impartial journalist husband has invited over the president of the city council and his wife and kids for dinner tonight. Should be fun. Neil is a big fan of this family so I will probably like them too. (I am really mostly kidding about the impartiality part)

Ahhh four day weekends. The Thanksgiving holiday was incredibly long. It was almost long enough to make me forget about the fact that I am a working stiff, but not quite.

Thursday was really a perfect day. Neil and I slept in until 9:30 and then drove to Santa Fe where we were greeted by a house full of people. My dad and brother were there as expected, but my cousin Pam was also there with her girlfriend's three sons and their best friend. The kids were playing with the pool table and we didn't interact with them a whole lot, but just having the house filled with voices and bodies and holiday energy was terrific. My grandma showed up a short time later, followed by my mom and the dog who had been on a run in the arroyo.

We spent the afternoon talking over each other, talking to each other, laughing, snacking while preparing food etc.

Dinner was at 4 (way earlier than I am used to and probably part of my mom's weight-loss/health philosophy) And I quote: Mom: "We don't want to eat dinner too late it's not good for us!" Me: "Mom, since when was 4:00 late for dinner?"

After dinner, my dad and brother crashed on the couch and my mom and grandma and Neil and I hung around. Then we woke everyone up, ate pie and went to see Love Actually, a perfectly fun movie to end the holiday.

The rest of the weekend was ok. My brother got really bummed on Friday about college and life in general and I felt frustrated and helpless to help him which is really a miserable way to feel when you care about someone so much... But he seems to be leaving NM this morning in a more positive state of mind.

Neil and I went rollerblading on Saturday and walking on Sunday and we managed to go to only one store the entire weekend, Target. We went on Saturday in hopes of finding some perfect Chanukah gifts for family and left without any gifts but with $80 worth of stuff and massive headaches. Why on earth do so many people LOVE shopping on Thanksgiving weekend. So what if it is tradition, it's a terrible one.

Now I just finished the second day of the five day work week. Ahh, how quickly reality sets in.

I did it. I couldn't help myself. I drove to Circuit City and bought Buffy Season Three last night. That means I didn't make it one night without watching. I am completely neurotic.

It is finally cold and winter-like in New Mexico. The weather has that crispness that makes me feel like the world is full of possibility. I don't know why I associate cold, red noses and ears with possibility, but I do. When I step outside after a day of work and head to my car, I feel like the road home can lead to anyplace and I can do anything.

Tonight will be a no TV night. I am planning on relaxing and working on holiday gifts and cleaning my many piles that have somehow accumulated on the kitchen counter.

Tomorrow I will probably be going home shortly after lunch as everyone is leaving early for the holiday. I think the four day weekend will be just what I need to rejuvenate. There should be four day weekends every couple of months so that the workforce will always feel refreshed. Note to self: Look into working on national reform for workers in the U.S. from gas station attendants to CEOs. Some reforms will include at least one month of vacation annually, more long weekends, and possibly designated nap times. ha.

In the past three weeks, I managed to watch 34 episodes of Buffy the Vampire Slayer. That amounts to about 25 hours in front of the television. I am sort of ashamed to admit to this atrocity...and yet, I had so much fun. There is nothing else like Buffy for intelligent entertainment with characters that I care about. I am not sure if it is the kick-ass girl power or the great love stories, or the snappy dialogue, but I just love Buffy. I am now completely finished with seasons one and two and thankfully I don't own season three yet, so I can take a break and do things like write holiday cards and clean the house up and exercise and everything else that I have been neglecting for the past three weeks.

Thanksgiving is coming and I'm excited. It's not so much the food that I love, it's the tradition of the food. It's the one meal each year that I can count on. For the past two or three years, my family hasn't celebrated Thanksgiving together and I have been longing for the tradition. Last year, I attempted making the meal myself, but it was different and not as much fun. I can't wait to go to Santa Fe and sit around the table with my parents and eat the turkey with my mom's amazing stuffing and the sweet potatoes that I don't even like. My brother will eat the majority of the cranberries and I'll be lucky to get a scoop. Hopefully it will be cold outside and we'll all sit around and be warm together and the next morning my dad will make turkey sandwiches with ketchup and I'll look at him with an "eew that's gross" expression and all will be right with the world.

Patty called today to tell me about an incredibly mean flower-store owner in Florida who yelled at her and said a myriad of not-nice things that nobody should ever say to anybody, much less a customer in their flower store. I have no comprehension for people like this. How do you grow up and think it's ok to be mean to people? What must be missing in a person who unleashes on random strangers? How can you own a flower store and still be evil? It's sick. Should verbal assault be criminalized? Just a thought. I am not fond of rageaholics.

Nauseous

I am nauseous but it is not from something I ate and I don't think I have the flu. Somebody I care about and basically think rocks has a really really screwed up belief system and it makes me sad, especially because I thought progress had been made and minds had been opened. But now I am sick to my stomach.

Howard Dean

Onto happier topics, Howard Dean is in town today. I wish I could go be a groupie supporter, but I will be at work.


Lack of Sleep

Last night, Neil and I went to Walgreens and bought Tylenol PM and I took one before bed and I STILL didn't sleep. I need to get to the bottom of this before I turn into a complete disaster.

On Sleeplessness

The main problem of my week so far is that I am not sleeping. I go to sleep and toss and turn and wake up ten to fifteen times nightly, half the time without any blankets covering me and then my alarm goes off and I hit snooze a few times and I'm late to work and I never feel rested. It's not good. In fact, I recently saw a TV ad which told me about how I could take a Tylenol PM before bed and all my aches and pains would go away and I'd also get a restful night sleep and I actually thought, "Hey, that sounds like a great product." This from the girl who recently stopped taking all pills and pill-shaped objects except for multi-vitamins. Sleeping aids are SO against my principles.

On "Legends"

When I was in Phoenix last week at the meeting of credit union leagues from border states, I had lunch with some guys. One from California, one from Texas. They were old, probably older than my dad... or close. I knew they were the CEO's of their leagues and since most people there were CEOs I didn't think much of it. We talked about the California fires and Arnold and how beautiful New Mexico is and how I used to live in El Paso, no biggie.

So when I came back and told my boss who I hung out with he had a look of shock on his face and said something like "both of those guys are legends" At first I was like... "Oh no, I hope I didn't say anything offensive if they're legends... I should have been more nervous and and and...." But then I realized they were just nice guys who might be legends to people who devote lifetimes to credit unions. (Thus far, I am not one of those people.)

On Wanderlust

I have been having serious travel urges as of late. I feel a constant need to flee to a Latin American country, this is not new, but now the urge is spreading. I heard Jacque Chiraq talking about combating anti-semitism on NPR last night and suddenly became aware of the fact that I absolutely NEEDED to be in France at that moment, needed to be around French people and hear them and hang out in cafes...all this despite the fact that I absolutely HATED French class in high school, have very little understanding of the language and don't usually long to visit the country. Then this morning Tony Blair was talking about Bush's visit to England and instead of the seething hatred that I usually feel when our president is mentioned, I just got lost in the British accent and started imagining myself in London (ok, more than imagining, I got an impatient feeling and started thinking about purchasing airfare.) Then I re-read an e-mail from my friend Christine about how she's in Tokyo as I am typing and... well... I'm sure you can fill in the rest. I'll just say that it involved fantasies of Sushi-eating. I must develop a plan to somehow be paid to travel around the world and immerse myself in different cultures.

On Rejection

I got my long-awaited response from Fourth Genre last night. They will not be publishing my essay on living along the U.S. Mexico border. I was so hoping they would.

They sent a two paragraph rejection letter telling me I should submit again and that some of their readers had comments that might be helpful to me.

Comment one said "This is exactly the kind of personal cultural criticism Fourth Genre should encourage." (O.K. sounds like that person was in favor of publishing.)

Comment two was less memorable but said that the reader enjoyed the essay but wanted to know more about the narrator (that would be me) This is valid and perhaps slightly helpful. I will look at adding more of myself into the prose...

Overall, this was a rejection letter that made me feel mostly warm and fuzzy instead of giving me that sinking feeling I usually get from life's rejections. But it left me feeling perplexed as to why they didn't publish it. I mean, if you're going to include criticism in the rejection letter, shouldn't it be just that...criticism?

Back to square one. If anyone knows of a place that would like to publish a terrific essay on the ambiguity of living along an international border, please contact me.

I am sitting in my office with a space heater blowing in my face and making my eyes dry and I'm eating a mushy apple. I hate mushy apples. Apples need to be cold and crisp, not spongy and disgusting.

Last night we brought our bunny (Boo Boo) into our bedroom (in her cage) and let her spend the night. It is very bizarre how animals, even small less-intelligent animals, can become such a part of a human family. If we didn't have Boo Boo, our lives would be much less full...and yet, it seems weird to me that I am saying that about a rabbit.

At work today, I am printing 100 copies of a paper I wrote to try to keep the state legislature from imposing a tax on credit unions. The paper is 18 pages long and the executive summary is 6 pages which means I am wasting 2,400 sheets of paper on this endeavor. It takes a long time to print 2,400 pages. On Monday, I get to use the little binding machine to put those plastic covers and spines on them all.

Tonight I am going to eat sushi with Neil and hopefully relax and have fun and do other weekend activities. I am really looking forward to it. This has been a draining week.

Phoenix wasn't really a disaster. I was the youngest person at the conference by at least 10, maybe 15 years and most people there were CEO's in their 50's. It was daunting, but I didn't feel totally and completely terrified and I spoke at the meeting several times since I was the only New Mexico person. Even the talking in front of people went well.

The meeting itself, while much of it was boring, was overall very interesting because it was about serving Hispanics, especially recent immigrants from Mexico. There were three guys from a large credit union in Mexico and they spoke only in Spanish. I understood some of what they said and a translator filled in the rest, but by mid-afternoon on the first day, I was spacing out, entranced by their rolling r's and the graceful cadence of the language. There is something magical about the Spanish language that makes me feel at home and like a foreigner all at once.

On day two, a man who was a big-shot in Presidente Fox's campaign spoke. He was incredibly charismatic and convincing. By the end of his talk about why credit unions are on the verge of a revolution and why credit unions need to take Mexican culture into consideration when serving "New Americans" I was ready to follow him around and be his disciple. He was one of those people whose eyes disappear when he smiles and who wins you over after saying exactly five words. Everybody else in the room seemed to feel the same way because they all batted their eyelashes when near him (even the men) and needlessly dropped his name in conversation. Eg: Q: "What are you having for lunch?" A:"I will be having lunch with Juan today" Q:"What time is it?" A:"Oh look it's Juan." and Q: "What do you think about the weather?" A: "When I was talking to Juan earlier..."

Instead of following the man home, I grabbed my bags and checked out of the hotel. Then I hopped into my first rental car and drove to the airport. That's right, I rented my own rental car for the first time. Oh the joy of being 25.

I am still determined to find a way to incorporate my love of the border and border culture and Mexico and New Mexico into what I do...updates when I come up with something.

Now I am back home and I got a bucket of work dumped on me today and my shoulder hurts from stress. It's also freezing and rainy out. Ugh.

My little brother is 20 today. 20. My little brother is 20. How did that happen?

Happy Birthday Dustin.

The weekend.
On Saturday, I slept too late. I also slept too late today. Sleeping too late is really really cool. I wish I could do it more often and not feel guilty about it.

Last night there was a complete lunar eclipse. The earth cast its shadow on the moon for a couple of hours and it was really amazing. The moon was blotted out by shadow, but still visible. But what was even cooler than the moon being shadowed was the fact that the earth was casting a shadow. I looked really close and imagined that I could see my own tiny shadow on the edge of the earth's shadow. (that didn't quite happen) But seeing the earth's round shadow was really proof that I am sitting on a big round planet. This seemed much more profound while I was thinking it last night.

Today, I took my little sister from Big Brothers Big Sisters to eat at a diner for lunch. She likes hamburgers a lot. I am constantly trying to connect with her and to be cool enough for a 13-year-old girl to hang out with. I hope I am succeeding.

Now I have to pack for the Phoenix disaster of 2003.

It is really creepy to be the last person at the office on a Friday afternoon when the sun is mostly gone. I need to go home.

On not getting enough sleep...

I am tired and I find it annoying. No matter what I do, I never seem to get enough sleep. It is partly because Neil comes home so late and is always totally full of energy and I, of course, usually want to talk to him so I stay up later than I plan to. But then another part of it is the light in the morning that comes streaming into our bedroom through a little arch-shaped window that I thought was going to be a favorite feature of the house when we moved here a year ago. Ha. Two nights ago, Neil got paged by his work at 4:15 in the morning -- not helpful. But I think my biggest problem is that I am always so worried about getting enough sleep that I don't sleep well. I am sabotaging myself unintentionally.

On iTunes and other technology in general...

I love iTunes. Christine gave me a $20 iTunes gift certificate for my birthday and I spent it all yesterday and now have 19 songs of my very own. The fast connection at work was awesome and it took only a minute or two to download each song. I could see myself doing that every day... (except my gift certificate is gone and I am not in favor of running up a credit card bill) But now I need an iPod. I really really really want one. Not just any iPod, though. I want the one that can hold 10,000 songs because now that a little machine like that exists, I am absolutely convinced that I should be carrying 10,000 songs with me everywhere I go. It is necessary, essential really. And while I am at it, I want a new computer and a picture phone instead of my plain old cell phone that only works for phone calls. Sheesh.

Sad Birthdays

I have had more than my share of sad birthdays. This year was another sad one, but somehow it was still ok, almost good. My mom called me around 11 yesterday and said "happy birthday" in a very sad tone and then told me that my great aunt Bessie died an hour earlier. I knew something was wrong already because it was the first birthday that my mom hadn't called me early in the morning and sang happy birthday to me. Her abandoning this tradition was proof that all was not well.

My aunt Bessie was the wisest woman I have ever known. When I was little and we would visit her at her home in Michigan, I used to feel like I was on a pilgrimage to my profit or oracle. I was on a long journey to visit the little old woman who would impart wisdom and help me to see. We would sit on her fragile-seeming furniture in the front room of her small house, or was it a duplex? She would offer us food or drink and then we'd talk. Bessie had a deep calm about her, the calm of someone who is completely self-assured and knows exactly what is and is not important. The rest of us were struggling through life and she already had it figured out. She was a little treasure. I wore the old perals she gave me for my Bat Mitzvah around my wrist on my wedding day to honor Bessie because she couldn't be there and my grandmatold me that Bessie was touched by the gesture. Bessie died on my 25th birthday and she was 93 years old.

It is easy to be sad when losing someone special, but hard to be too sad at the death of someone in their mid-90's. But, Bessie was the last member of my grandma's immediate family. She has lost two parents, a brother, two husbands and now a sister. Is the curse of living longest lonlieness? I just want her not to be sad. Simplistic, maybe, but that's what I want.

We spent the afternoon with my grandma yesterday, helping her pack for her flight to Michigan. (Neil had my birthday off from work and I left work after talking to my mom.) After looking at old pictures and laughing and crying with my grandma, we said goodbye and went to eat thai food (yumm) and rent a movie (whale rider). So this birthday was a mix of saddness and normalcy. I have had at least two friends suggest that I start celebrating my half birthday instead of my birthday... but I am going to give Nov. 3 a couple more tries before getting that drastic.

Halloween...
I think this is one of my top favorite holidays. I had many a childhood birthday party on Halloween and have nothing but fond memories of trick or treating with my friends, dressing in less-than-comfortable costumes and watching scary movies. A Halloween highlight: The dentist on our street always gave out tooth brushes and we always acted mad, but we went back every year to get another.

I don't have a costume today. I did, however, bring a pair of bunny ears with me and have been wearing them intermittently throughout the day. The CEO has on Halloween sox and earrings and a Happy Halloween sweater and a big pumpkin is dangling from her necklace. Other than that, you wouldn't know it was Halloween around here. This is one day of the year that I'd really like to just hang out in an elementary school so I could see all the little kids in their costumes eagerly anticipating the 3:30 bell so they can go home and knock on neighbors' doors begging for candy. I do not, however, want to be an elementary school teacher, and no matter how it may seem, this desire to be around kids for the holiday does not mean I am ready to have kids of my own.

My friend Patty read my blog the other day and said she did the same thing with a Care Bear in Walgreens on a trip to Texas last weekend. She was gravitating toward Wish Bear, however. I think it is so cool that I am not the only nut who felt the pull of the Care Bears. Whewh.

It is my pre-birthday weekend. Ever since my birthday was totally destroyed two years ago, I am scared to get excited about birthday plans and birthdays in general. I was excited last week, but now that the weekend is upon us, I am afraid of what might happen to make it not fun... or maybe I feel like I don't deserve to have fun? I really need to get over this neurosis...maybe I just need more time?

I am going to be a quarter of a century old and even thought I still feel like I am really really young, I also am worried about my life being 1/3 or 1/4 over (depending on my longevity.) I have NEVER thought this way about a birthday before. I remember wondering what Andy was talking about when he was so worried about approaching his 25th birthday. Now I know... I am 25 and there is no going back to youth. I am forever beyond college age and certainly high school age. I just have to keep remembering that I may be on the back side of my 20's but that doesn't mean that I am limited as to what I can do and what I can attempt and who I can be. We are always forming and changing and becoming and in that sense, age is irrelevant. I'd just better not notice any new wrinkles and I'd better not get any gray hairs.

Time to get back to work after lunch!

I am cited in a book!

Andy was smart enough to use the new feature on Amazon to look up his name and my name and Becca and MB's names to see if we'd been mentioned in any books and one of my El Paso Times articles was cited in Fronteras No Mas: Toward Social Justice at the U.S.-Mexico Border . I don't even remember the article, but I think it is exceedingly cool that I was cited in a book about the border (one of my main areas of interest). Of course, I have no idea if the author used my article to support her theory or to show what a stupid newspaper the El Paso Times is so perhaps I shouldn't be cheering yet. I am supposedly supposed to be able to see the actual page my name is on in the book on Amazon, but I don't think they have that feature working properly yet.

Anyways, this news that my name is in the endnotes of a book because of an article I wrote makes me think two things: 1) There is hope for me yet and 2) I should get a job doing things like writing newspaper articles that matter again. (Did I know that what I was doing mattered at the time?) I am still enjoying my PR/Communicator job and don't think I need to work for the MAN again yet. So I need to get freelancing fast. But getting started is scary.

****

I voted in person today for the first time ever. Until now, I had always just mailed in an absentee ballot during presidential or gubernatorial elections. Today, I went to the polling place and acted clueless and got to use a touch screen voting machine. The whole process was very cool. I don't think I necessarily felt like I was making a difference when I cast my vote, but I did feel like I was doing something important, even if it was just increasing voter turnout... or exercising my right to vote so that it can't someday be taken away.

*****

Oh, I also want to complain for a minute. I think it is abhorrent that it is nearly dark when I drive to work and almost completely dark when I drive home. I can't wait until Spring and daylight savings time.

Finally! I just figured out how to make it so that my readers...(reader, perhaps) can e-mail me from the blog. I will indeed someday master HTML.

This weekend Neil and I went to Roswell in search of Aliens. We did not find any, but it was still a fun and slightly fascinating weekend. Our hotel was old and a little funky, but we had a king suite, which meant we got two rooms, one with a big bed and one with the most uncomfortable couch we had ever sat on. Despite the fact that the couch sounded like crinkling cellophane when sat upon, we were both thrilled that our hotel room included a couch. I think it is evidence of the bizarre phenomenon wherein people are always overly excited about small features of hotel rooms despite the fact that they most likely have better features in their homes. For example, people get excited about coffee makers, when they have espresso machines at home. Or the excitement over the free toiletries supplied by hotels is another good example. Even if you have salon-quality shampoo in your suitcase, it is still somehow thrilling when the hotel provides Caswell and Masey shampoo or even Panteen.

Anyway, I digress. Roswell is basically a sleepy little oil town with an international reputation as the UFO capital of the world. For several blocks on the town's main street, the street lights are actually alien heads and there are at least three city blocks with virtually nothing but alien-related stores. There is the International UFO Museum and Research Center, a museum that opened in the late 90s and chronicles the history of the "crash" in 1947. The museum is a huge tourist draw. Then the rest of the alien stuff consists of stores selling alien junk and one cool-looking coffee shop called Out of This World. At the junk stores, you can get alien mugs, t-shirts, stuffed animals, golf balls, guitar picks, underwear, cookie jars, toys, candy, beer, wine... You name an item and you can get it with an alien on it in Roswell.

There is also an anti-alien research center set up directly across the street from the UFO museum. The sign has an alien head with a red circle around it and a line across it's face, as if aliens are something people can campaign against. The men inside the store are Christians selling coffee and a variety of super right-wing religious books. One of the founders of the anti-alien research center was abducted and wants to stop aliens through faith. We walked in, wondering what it was (we should have known when it said "Every knee shall bow" on the sign in big lettering) and walked out very quickly, but not before I got some free anti-alien stickers.

We also went to the newest Roswell attraction: Alien Encounter: Where Aliens Research Humans. I had high hopes for this, and while it was cool, it was basically a glorified haunted house with absolutely nothing to do with aliens other than the alien crap they sold in the gift shop. But we did get very scared... terrified, actually.

Perhaps the coolest place was Alien Zone, a gift shop that has an Area 51 in the back and for $2 you can go in and take photos with lots of friendly aliens. I can't wait to get the film developed so I can frame the picture of Neil drinking a beer with one alien wearing a plaid shirt.

I remain undecided as to whether or not I believe in the little green men, but my alien adventure was very entertaining. Even the Wal Mart in Roswell is in on the Alien craze. Instead of the traditional blue stripe on top of the building, Roswell's Wal Mart is green and has a big alien head painted on the side of the building. I wish I were kidding, but I'm not.

I was hoping to be abducted, or to feel an alien presence, or see a piece of the UFO (apparently the Military has every last piece.) But instead, Neil and I went to dinner and a movie and then drove home the next morning.

Friday...

Last night Neil came home from the Elk ranch he stayed at Wednesday night for the story he's working on. He had great stories about seeing some amazing wild animals, but he was also cranky and exhausted. I am the type of person who always wants everyone to be happy, or who wants to fix people when they're not happy. I couldn't fix him. We watched a funny movie -- Oh Brother, Where Art Thou? -- and we both laughed...But that was the extent of it. It didn't help matters that the two Papa Johns locations nearest our house seem to be having turf wars and neither one wants to deliver pizza to us.

But, today is Friday and usually Fridays have some sort of cleansing power...Time for renewal of sorts. Tonight, Neil and I head off on our Alien Adventure....(that's a fancy way of saying we are taking a trip to Roswell) We're bringing board games in case of boredom. I hope it's fun.

On my way home from work on Wednesday I stopped to pick up a prescription from Walgreens and ended up purchasing a Care Bear stuffed animal. It's Cheer Bear... The pink bear with the rainbow on her stomach. I couldn't help myself... There was a deal where you could get three bears for $11.99. I almost got three, Sunshine Bear and Sleepy Bear were my other choices. So I got the one bear (It looks very similar to the Cheer Bear stuffed animal I have in a box somewhere -- a relic from childhood) and I brought it to work and now it is sitting on my desk and it makes me very very happy to look at it. Is this bizarre? I suppose not entirely. It is a symbol from childhood that I clearly must associate with lots of happy memories. Plus, it's pink and named Cheer Bear... But am I regressing? Am I regressing too much?

In other news, there is a baby cockroach belly up by the toilet here at work. I am trying to avoid the bathroom for the rest of the day and I cannot wait to move to the new office in December. My fear of disgusting bugs is one "issue" that I am happy to have.

With that, I'm out of here.

A friend informed me that it has been one month since I updated my blog. Only two people even know about this blog and I didn't know anyone was reading it... but here I am. Updating.

Today, I found Bubble Tea in Albuquerque. I have had it twice before in Seattle and while the experience was cool, the tea was not particularly good. But this morning, I read about a new cafe that has Bubble Tea, or Boba Tea and makes spring rolls (not fried, but wrapped in rice-paper-type dough). So, I went for lunch and it was awesome. The tea was delicious because it's not overly sweetened and the cups have the super-cool melted on lids with different cartoon animals on them.

I came back from lunch feeling so excited that I had discovered this place. I wanted to go in and tell people about it... But there was noone to tell. More than half the office is out this week for various conferences. One coworker was here but he's been in and out all day working on purchasing a new truck and I would have felt silly telling him of my excitement for bubble tea for two reasons 1) he was excited about something much more exciting -- new truck 2) he is not much of a gourmet eater. Today he had McDonald's for lunch and he doesn't eat salad... So a cafe with bizarre tea with big chewy bubbles in the bottom and vegetable-filled spring rolls probably wouldn't be too exciting to him.

I'm so happy to be home right now. Lately, I can't get enough of being home. Have I turned into a homebody? I don't really think so. I think it's really just that I never have time to myself. All time is scheduled.. Sometimes double scheduled. I want to do too much and end up not doing nearly enough. Last night I came home right after work (and after running a couple errands. I rented myself a movie and was looking forward to watching it and then writing a little.) BUT, I somehow managed to forget that I told my grandma she could call last night because I thought I would be home. So, she called in the middle of the movie and we talked for an hour about poetry and aging and by the time I got off the phone with her and watched the rest of the movie, I barely had time to clean up the house, get ready for the morning and get to bed before 11:30. I tossed and turned all night because Neil wasn't there. I woke up a little before 7 and was smack in the middle of the bed...bizarre. Then I raced to get ready, fed the bunny, forgot to put her back in her cage, ran out the door without breakfast and was still 30 minutes late to work.

Tonight I was supposed to go see Radio at one of those over-ticketed sneak previews that are free but you have to show up two hours early to ensure that you get a seat. I won the pass on the radio... (the first time I've ever been the tenth caller) but what a thing to win, a movie pass like the ones I used to always get for free when I worked at the newspaper. Anyway, I decided to stay home, eat dinner, go for a walk, play with the bunny, relax and get to sleep on time.

Ok. So it has been more than one year since I updated this thing... And I am sure that my audience of three has probably dwindled to zero.. So now I am posting and nobody will read...
I got a new job... Not nearly as abysmal a job as the one I quit right when I started this blog.... I enjoy my days.. Most of the time I even look forward to getting to work. Imagine.

I am still not writing like I want to. I can't seem to make the time for myself... I am always tired or on the go, or wanting to do one more thing. Recently, my problem is that I want to do EVERYTHING. I want to be in politics, take dance class, go to the gym daily, watch every movie released in the theatres, be an activist, volunteer, travel, pay off my debt, make money, find success in my job, write books, publish magazine articles, work at a magazine, be in touch with all my old friends... You get the picture. I am not sure if this is some product of my approaching 25th birthday.. Maybe I am realizing that I'm not going to be young forever??? Or something... But I am not consciously worried about being old... I just want to do everything. It's bizarre and slightly out of control.

Anyway, I thought I'd post here for fun. Maybe I will begin to make a habit out of it?

I have had too much sun. If this happened at the beginning of the summer when I was over eager to go out and soak up the rays after a long cold winter, I would not be so angry at myself, but it happened only a week after my fiance forgot to put sunscreen on the bottom half of his leg and got a second degree burn on his ankle and lower calf. It happened the day after we went to the mall where I forced him to buy new lightweight pants to wear instead of shorts since the doctor said he shouldn't have any sun for three weeks. That's right, this sunburn was so bad that he went to a doctor. (where they prescribed him an anti-inflammatory -- good and Vicaden -- bad. We did not fill the prescription for four days worth of the ADDICTIVE pain-killer that the doctor prescribed for a SUNBURN. This is the same family physician who tried to get Neil to take Zoloft, an anxiety drug, after asking him a million questions about anxiety disorders even though Neil didn't think he needed such drugs nor did he think he had any anxiety issues.) Anyway, the sun. I live in the desert. I should know about the sun. But today, instead of sunscreen, I put on a hat and then stood outside for three hours playing basketball, mini golf and riding on bumper boats... all fun activities... Now my cheeks are hot and burning and I have a farmer tan on my arms (which will look incredible with my HALTER wedding dress) and I am shivering and feel exhausted because that is what sun does to me... Needless to say, I am feeling particularity brilliant this evening.

to make matters worse, I have way too much to accomplish in the next 48 hours... So much that I don't even want to list it for fear that just making the list will cause mental breakdown. And... Andy didn't get the job that I so wanted him to get.

I didn't get out of bed until 11:21. This is a completely despicable act from my point of view. There was no way I needed nearly 11 hours of sleep last night. But I didn't set an alarm and so had no clue that I was sleeping through the morning. Lately, Neil and I have been waking up early and going to the gym and then coming home and having time to do things. When I wake up early I rarely feel pressured or guilty. Right now I feel guilty and stressed because not enough of my writing is done and I don't feel like writing but I only have about five hours until the day is over and I did this to myself... What a waste of a Wednesday.

Last night Neil and I went to our third dance lesson where we danced the fox trot to several versions of the song we will play for our first dance and then we danced swing to Michael Jackson. As I was repeating "slow slow quick quick" in my head, I couldn't help but think about Jackson and how completely insane he is... But when we dance, I always have so much fun. We came home feeling exhilarated with tired legs and I don't know what could be a better feeling than that...

I am tired. I have been waking up every day before seven to either work or workout and have been enjoying the mornings when I do not work because I get to accomplish so many things before noon... However, despite all these accomplishments, I still have done nothing to further my school work. I have been reading magazines instead of books, making wedding phone calls instead of writing. Now I have exactly two weeks until the packet must be mailed to my professor and I am nowhere close to even starting... Being a procrastinator (while it is sometimes enjoyable) is not fun right now at all.

my wedding is in a month and two weeks...about. And that is unbelievable. Recently I have spent an unnecessarily large amount of time checking our online registries to see what presents people are getting us. It is exciting. It's like I was allowed to go on a shopping spree... I picked out everything I wanted and now people are giving it to me... What a feeling... Meanwhile, as people purchase us expensive blenders and sheet sets, we are broke. The bookstore has been cutting back hours and I haven't been complaining because the less time spent there the better, but it leaves me with very small paychecks. Money is the biggest source of stress... money and school. I was reading my friend's blog today and he wrote about how well he avoids writing even though that is what he likes to do. It made me feel better not to be alone.

Caves and the Fourth of July

On June 30, our one year anniversary of our engagement, Neil and I went to Carlsbad caverns in southern new Mexico and walked down a path into one of the world's largest underground caves. We walked down a steep hill and into the mouth of the cave where we could smell bat guano and the 100+ degree temperature dropped as we descended until it was about 54 degrees. I had been to Carlsbad before and been in the same cave when I was ten or eleven, but I didn't appreciate it then the way I do now. It is incredible. It has taken hundreds of thousands of years for all of the mineral formations in the cave to form and scientists are finding possible cures to cancer in some of the bacteria that lives only in pools of water found in the caves. Despite the fact that Neil took us the wrong way and we got there two hours later than planned, it was a great day and a perfect way to celebrate our engagement. Nothing like a good adventure.

For the fourth, we went home to see my family and celebrate my grandma's 80th birthday. I can't believe she is 80. Age sneaks up on us. I have been wanting to be older most of my life...I wanted to be 10 so I could have a double-digit age... I wanted to be 12 so I could have my bat mitzvah, 15 so I could drive, 17 so I could go to rated r movies, 18 so I could gamble and get credit cards and vote, 21 so I could drink. And all this time I have been willing time forward...closer to the end of my life and my parents and grandparents' lives. And I never realized it before.
for my grandma's birthday...we ate. And I saw my brother and parents and in sum, it was good. I love my family and feel lucky when I get to be with them...
in a hurry... gotta post this now.

hmm... I suppose I should only write something here if I have something to say and today, I am not sure I do. Had to wake up at 6:30 for the second day in a row to get to work at the bookstore by 7 a.m. both mornings I arrived almost on time only to be locked out with a couple other poor fools who showed up on time... The managers were both at least 15 minutes late. This morning, I got to put new cookbooks on the shelves which was fun because I got to see all the incredible meals I could make and eat if I bought the books. But then I remembered my weight loss effort and it got a little depressing...
this afternoon, once I escaped work, I played tennis with Neil. It was like 3:30 and must have been over 100 degrees. We played for a good 30 minutes before there was too much sweat dripping down my forehead for me to continue. My face was deep cherry red for a good hour after we came inside too. Neil was worried about me. I told him I think that's just what happens to me when I get really really hot... I don't really handle heat well at all.
tomorrow is the one year anniversary of my engagement to Neil...We are trying to come up with something cool to do to mark the day. I am amazed that it's been a year already.

Well, if I intended to make a regular thing out of this blog stuff, I was not successful. It seems that once my job ended and I didn't have to sit in front of a computer all day, I just didn't. I sat down at night to write for school and avoided this machine like the plague the rest of the time. Now I work at Barnes and noble which has been an incredibly humbling experience, but at least the people are nice... Actually I have met more intelligent people at the bookstore than at my previous job. But there is nothing like the way customers look at cashiers to make you feel small. I want to tell them that I have a degree from a good university and am working toward a masters and that they should stop judging people...But usually I just smile and ask if they'd like a bag for their books.

tonight it rained incredibly hard and despite the day's earlier temperature of over 100, for a while it hailed here. Huge hail that melted almost instantly once it hit the pavement. The streets were flooded and I loved it. After dinner it smelled like wet dirt and gardenias, that damp earth smell that I have always loved and is all too rare here. I feel refreshed.